My Blog Motto

"Good judgement comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgement"

~Rita Mae Brown

Monday, March 24, 2014

Long ass winter

Yes it has been,  literally and figuratively.  I opened my blogger account for the first time in over a month and there are a half dozen unfinished drafts.
This winter has sapped me of my soul I swear.
It's really rather unpleasant to have the experience of going outdoors become physically and emotionally painful.
I don't know what my issue is but I've been labeled as depressed, chronically fatigued and a few other trendy diagnoses. All I know is that there are periods of time when I have no energy and no motivation.  It's not as though I'm particularly unhappy at these times,  I'm just not that into doing much. And that's the average day. On the bad days my body resists any plans my brain might consider. It doesn't just resist, it aches, it refuses, it calls a general strike.
It is in winter that I feel like a bear, I just want to eat a lot of fat and sleep.
I'm waking up and emerging from hibernation now and feeling my creativity re emerging as well,  and not a moment to soon, I was beginning to bore myself.
Happy Spring and to those of us in the southern hemisphere, Happy Autumn!


Friday, February 14, 2014

Deep Winter Freezeout

I haven't been much into blogging lately. It was very fun at first. Social Media can be a scrapbook or story journal of one's life, but one you get to share with complete strangers as well as friends and acquaintances. It's a fun way to reality test your perception of yourself, getting feedback from someone who you will probably never meet in real life, someone who has nothing to gain or lose by being completely honest in their reactions to your thoughts and or artwork etc. is simultaneously liberating and risky. In the long run it's probably therapeutic for me to do this from time to time. I do like to have the opportunity to bounce my ideas and feelings off several diverse others and have them share their experiences with me
If your reaction carries no cost as well, you are free to risk being thrown for a loop. We can learn a lot about ourselves by being thrown for a loop, caught off guard, called on our shit. Our friends are less likely to do this for us for various reasons that I'm sure we're all aware of.
That's all cool for a while, then you start to realize that every damn person in the world has an opinion and some are more alluring than others. For me the type of storytelling or editorializing varies with my current state of mind and mood. So I'll read one blog for a bit then switch to something else for a while.
That type of selective yet interactive way of relating to other people can provide us with interesting opportunities to learn from the way we interact with others.
 Especially now when I don't get out and meet new people like I used to when I was young or even when I was in school or working. When I was on Interferon/Ribavirin treatment for Hepatitis C for a whole year I was so sick and weak I hardly ever left my bed. My computer was my door to the outside world and other people, especially since I was able to find other people, from all over the world, of all ages and backgrounds, who were experiencing the same thing I was. It's very difficult to understand how that treatment effects you  unless you have been through it. It's a great comfort to have people who truly understand.
I just wanted to check in with an update and see how everyone is doing. I've been doing a lot of reading and writing, not blog writing, other stuff, and battling with cabin fever or the temptation to retreat into total hibernation. I'm trying to appreciate the beauty of winter as often as possible and I'm fortunate to not have to be out n the wicked cold if I don't want to, at least not very much.
Next month I'm off to California with my daughter to visit my Mother and Brother! Good times ahead!

© 2010-2014 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Friday, December 13, 2013

Soul's Choice

Why are we here? What is my life purpose? Does any of this matter? These are the kinds of questions that most mid-life people begin to ask ourselves After havng established a career, education, family and all the things young adults create for themselves there comes a point where we begin to question life's bigger picture.

There are people who say that we each come into this life with a pre chosen plan, a lesson plan more or less. Many of these people describe human beings as spiritual beings on a human journey, each soul desiring to experience the full range of human BE-ing. This is a handy answer for the conondrum of human suffering and cruelty. These difficulties don't really amount to much in the Big Picture, they tell us, other than to fulfill a souls desire, or curiosity for experience. Some people argue that Karma operates as a system of checks and balances, explaining our misfortues as "making up" for some sin or debauchery we may have committed in a past life. Others (and I lean more toward this philosophy) view the Karmic journey as an adventure where the soul samples from a variety of experience in order to better understand itself.

There is a certain amount of comfort in this perspective and most days I am willing to accept that this may be true, if not somewhat oversimplified and watered down to our bland and infantile human taste.

It is also believed that we each have otherworldly companions, spirit guides or guardian angels, who assist us as we navigate through life's journey. Just as we humans tend to anthromorphize our animal companions I wonder if we do the same for our multidimensional counterparts. Of course it makes them easier for us to imagine as they stand around in some pre incarnation planning session reviewing past lives and considering options for future incarnations, much like one might page through a housing brochure or one of those style magazines in the hair salon.

Imagine catalogs for occupation, physical appearance, potential parents and for what geographical location to be born into. Picture one discarnate soul peering over the shoulder of their student browsing the chosen handbook

"ooooh rural India..tsk, I dunno are you sure about that? I hear it can be a little rough over there, not much to eat you know. On the other hand the life expectancy is pretty low so you may not have to put up with it for too long, and they are an attractive race as a rule"

The question of free will comes to mind. Supposedly all of us spirits or souls or however you want to refer to us choose our circumstances willingly, but so we do so independently? Or do the oversoul overseers, over-oversouls, actually guide us along the way.

"Excuse me there, I can't help but noticing that your last 5 or 6 lifetimes have been spent in rather well to do circumstances with two lifetimes spent as a Rockefeller. You have had access to unlimited resources and somehow managed to escape both the bubonic plague and the influenza epidemic of the early 20th century. Might I recommend a stint as an unemployed single mother with a disabled child, you know just to balance things out a bit? Go for the complete experience?"

Personally I think that not having all the answers is part of the 'fun' of life, part of the plan. Questioning, dreaming and wondering is also part of the plan even if we aren't meant to find concrete answers, the thrill is in the chase, as they say. I can appreciate that, and I can appreciate not knowing how it all turns out. I'm not one of those people who skips to the end of a movie or a book...although I might like to have a chat with the author given a chance. That's why, next week, I'm having a session with a woman who channels akashic records, the otherworldly record of All That Is. Despite my open mindedness and willingness to explore life's mysteries using a variety of non traditional methods I am always a little bit skeptical. But I look forward to hearing what she has to say and if it resonates with my Truth. For me it really doesn't matter much whether I believe she does have access some vast mystical registrar of deeds and hall of records or if she simply is able to intuit what I need to hear. As long as it has meaning to me and can offer some guidance on my life's journey, I'm good with that.

© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Life With Family

  The Universe or fate or whatever you want to call it has a funny way of taking the reins whenever I make plans. I'm not much of a planner; setting goals isn't something I normally do on my own. One could argue that more practice on my part might subdue the universes hi jinks, but that's my old school superstition talking, I think. Anyway, I recently came to a point where I realized I really need to do something to rectify my unstable financial status. I came up with a few ideas, plans to pay off some debt a little at a time, with the ultimate goal of bringing my bank account current so I can apply for some credit.
I was rather pleased with myself and my new-found sense of adult responsibility. I began to believe those positive affirmations we all hear ad nauseum. I am responsible, I am capable, I am lovable. A regular Stuart Smalley, oh yes.
My sunshiny radiance was short lived. The first sign of impending gloom came within 24 hours when my internet got suspended. I had paid the bill but failed to notice the 15 dollar a month rate increase. It helps to read your bills before you pay them I guess. Then no sooner than I had completed my indignant call to the internet provider I received a call from the electric company. It's that time of year where the moratorium on shut offs begins so they are out to settle up as many accounts as possible. I usually carry some balance until energy assistance comes through, but due to the brief but disruptive hissy fit in Congress such programs were put on hold for two weeks.
 I couldn't help but feel just a little demoralized. All of  a sudden I was in the midst of that gnawing feeling that no matter how well intentioned my plans I was doomed to struggle every day to keep my head above water. Not to mention the thought that if there were some sort of emergency I'd be screwed. Living on the edge wears away at you a little at a time like the proverbial drop of water on the stone. In addition to my often uphill battle with money I carry on in an equally challenging war with depression. Its always lurking just around the corner and financial worry feeds that beast very well.
Depression peeked it's head around the corner and began whispering it's usual litany of condemnation.
I am an adult, I should not only be able to support myself but should be able to help my adult children out if they need it too. But where do all these shoulds that Depression is so fond of come from? Who writes your script Mr Blusey Buzzkill?
For one thing they come from a different era. A time when jobs were plentiful and food was affordable. They also come from a culture that puts a somewhat narcissistic value on independence and individuality. John Wayne type stuff. The American way, ghosts of a culture that no longer exists. It's the privileged middle class white culture  (a thing of the past for most of us) that says every nuclear family has their own home and every individual has their own bedroom equipped with a tv, game system and whatever else they 'need'.  One thing my daughter learned by dating outside of her ethnicity is that many people commonly live with relatives. Nursing homes are a last resort and even daycare for children is provided by live in family. For those who have struggled family has been the glue that held them together, financially and emotionally. This same daughter, lives right across the street from me had an experience similar to mine, well laid plans for security that unexpectedly washed away from right under her feet. As we lamented our 'family curse' over coffee the inevitable and logical conclusion became clear. Her apartment is big enough for another person and if each of us cut our rent in half we could be left with some money after paying the pipers. We spend much of each day together anyway and I am my granddaughter's homework helper. We made the decision that I would move in with her. Or as she reassured me, we would move in together.
I'll admit I went through a couple of days of feeling defeated, feeling I had somehow screwed up my life as the whispers of impending depression continued to swirl around my head like gnats, persistent but useless. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that despite some mistakes I've made in the past, I really have done my best to stay respectfully afloat during the past few years of unemployment. Once that sense of shame faded I was able to see the benefits and joys of being a real part of a family again. All the things like meals together, story time at bedtime, move nights and even the chaos of disagreements are the fabric of family life and I have missed that these past few years. Empty nest is real folks, and for those who can afford to travel or develop exciting hobbies and interests maybe it doesn't feel quite so lonely, but I'm not one of those people right now. Having half the financial burden I've been carrying might allow me to enjoy some of those middle age benefits and I get to have the family part too. Best of both worlds.
So here I go into the next chapter, not a step back but forward and I am able to welcome  it with expectation and open arms.
Wish me luck.

© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Monday, September 9, 2013

No Sounds of Silence

With my apologies to Simon and Garfunkel

Hello insomnia my old friend
It seems I've met you once again
There was a dream while I was sleeping
and the image is now fleeting
and the vision that was dancing in my brain
scant remains
but there's no sound
of silence
distant sirens scream and whine
the cops must be working overtime
and the drunkman in the alley still sings
of nonsense things
and there's no sound
of silence

 rise from bed and curse oh damn,
the kitchen clock reads 3 am
and the dog next door is barking at the bum
who only hums
and there's no sound
of silence

restlessly I pace the floor
and stub my toe against the door
and I struggle not to cry out in the night
it wouldn't be right
to break the silence that my neighbors must know
as they sleep, face in pillow

To my computer I will go
to seek out someone I know
perhaps from across the sea
another timezone it may be
a time where the sun shines in the day
far away
and I will find
no more silence

Alas the battery is uncharged
the distance now looms large
and the night sky is fading to the dawn
oh what went wrong
I only wanted

© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard