Mending My Mindfulness

 I clearly remember times when as a child, my thoughts uncluttered, I could sit for hours marveling at the
intricate workings of nature. I would watch a caterpillar nibbling away at a leaf bite by tiny bite. I could stare at moss so closely I could imagine that it was a miniature forest within a forest, perhaps home to it's own tiny world invisible to the human eye. Especially in nature I would immerse my senses with every element of my surroundings and I experienced complete peace and harmony in those moments. I didn't know it as such at the time, but I was practicing mindfulness.
I feel as though I frequently talk about living mindfully or practicing mindfulness, but in my own adult reality it is something that I struggled with for years. I learned about the concept of mindfulness, in stages throughout my life as a recurring theme that has evolved throughout the years. I was initially introduced to the concept  from my mother who is a practicing Buddhist. In later years it cropped up in books and articles I was reading about spirituality or self help. In therapy I was taught mindfulness practice as a method to quiet the racing thoughts and cravings that hijacked my mind and even my body driving me to moments of panic and fear. In my weekly yoga class, I learned from my wonderful instructor that mindfulness is key to getting the most out of one's practice. Finally in my training as a counselor I was mentored and trained to assist my clients to use mindfulness in their healing process.
Yet even with all this wonderful advice and information,  I often felt I had to really push myself, to remind myself to be mindful. It wasn't something that came naturally to me as it had when I was very young.
Now after years of "practice", a funny thing has happened. Suddenly, it's coming back to me. In fact in the past week or so I have spent little time writing and very much time listening, observing and sensing the world around me. I've also been mindful enough of my own state being to know that for whatever reason, this is what my whole Self needs at this time. It's like craving a certain food, if you suddenly have an unquenchable taste for greens your body probably needs calcium.
Thinking back over the past couple of months I realize I have had a sort of spiritual craving, a sensory craving to take in all that is in my environment, to observe, to listen, to feel. There is something I need, there is an unnamed desire.

I have come to a point in life where I am now living alone, my youngest child now almost 19 is on his own. I am unemployed along with all of the paradoxical freedom and restriction that accompanies that status. I am not involved in a relationship of the romantic sort. The Occupy movement which I had devoted a considerable amount of time and energy to is undergoing a quiet transformation. I have recently hit the point that I can safely say I am fully recovered from my Interferon/Ribavirin treatment and physically and mentally as good as I'm gonna get. I have had the feeling of being at a crossroads wondering where I go from here. I feel like I'm on the threshold of...something. I'm just not sure what. Yet.
I think this 'craving' the need to listen, to observe, to absorb the world around me is a message from my higher self. It's telling me that if I am to make choices about what comes next, starting a project, connecting with people in my community or maybe even something I haven't imagined yet that I need to pay attention to what life has to offer. I also know from past experience that a door that is open to opportunity needs some monitoring. In case you haven't guessed by now I have been known to be somewhat impulsive in my decision making at certain times in  my life; sometimes with disastrous results. And even when not walking blindly into disaster I have sometimes missed out on the beauty and joy of the simple things life has to offer, all because I was so busy chasing that crazy train that ran in circles around my mind.
To follow up on my last post, one of the joys of getting older is being able to slow down, to get off that train and suddenly mindfulness climbs into your lap like a well loved feline.
 I also recently talked about procrastination, but I don't think that's the case, yet. I will trust my heart and mind to work together and to let me know when to take the next step...and then I will most likely procrastinate just a little bit. If I'm lucky now that I've put that out there in the Universe, someone will let me know. You will, won't you?
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Procrastinating happiness

Procrastination. We all react to the word, typically with an expression that resembles some level of physical discomfort. Try it, just say the word and watch whomever you are speaking to. Chances are they will wince, squirm, roll their eyes or if they are in good humor they may chuckle in that conspiratorial way that let's you know that you are in on their secret but that's okay. Because after all it is not secret. Most people, if asked, will admit to falling victim to the procrastination but at some point or another in their lives.
For some of us, it is more that just a minor problem, for some of us it can be downright paralyzing. There are times when I have been at war with my own mind over the subject. Now obviously there are some things we put off simply because they are unpleasant. A trip to the DMV to renew your licence plates, or a visit to the dentist. I know plenty of perfectly normal responsible individuals who will postpone those kinds of tasks. And the reason is, well, obvious.
But what about putting off something that will eventually benefit ones self? If you stand to gain something by doing a small simple task, what on earth is the 'reason' for procrastination. I tend to be the kind of thinker who once given an adequate reason, even if not necessarily rational. I can then turn my focus to a solution. I'm pretty good at talking sense into myself as long as I am armed with a working theory of "why". In all the psychological, spiritual and self help books articles and journals I've read I've failed to find an explanation that fits. So I turned to my friends, most of whom are well educated, many in the social services or education field; and many who have themselves been through a fair amount of therapy or self help programs. Again, aside from some minor speculation, no great revelations. My therapist who is also a practicing shaman, may not always have an answer but will usually pull an evocative question out of his bag of tricks. You know the kind of question that instantly illuminates the path that leads you to your own answer. After all the answers to these "why" questions often vary from individual to individual. Even he was stumped. As a last resort I turned to my psychiatrist. We don't talk much, he prescribes my anti anxiety meds and asks me if I'm safe. That's about it. But I thought I'd give it a shot anyway, he seems kind of old school and I thought he might have some kind of Freudian subconscious defense mechanism explanation.
Nope. He told me to make a list.
Really? I could've gotten that from Dear Abby. It was becoming apparent that I was on my own on this journey.
The most recent example of this putting off something beneficial was my homestead tax form. I don't know how it works in other states but in Wisconsin if you are low income, you can be eligible for a refund on rent you have paid in the past year. What's not to love about that? And yet the form sat on my desk for close to two months. If I had done it immediately I'd have the money by now and I might be out enjoying a movie or a dinner at a restaurant instead of writing about procrastination. The good news is during that two months of not filling out the form and arguing with myself on a daily basis I might have reached a conclusion.
That is, that despite all the work I've done repairing my self esteem and quality of life, there are still bits and pieces of old thinking that linger somewhere in my subconscious. One of the most insidious old lies I somehow still hang onto is that "I don't deserve good things, especially money". It comes from the old belief that as long as there are people starving and suffering in the world it is wrong to have money. Which is completely irrational. First of all, my poverty is not going to lift anyone else out of poverty. Second, a few hundred dollars from the IRS is not going to launch me into the fortune 500 list. In fact, I will still be terribly in debt. And third, and most important, it is okay to have money. Fact. Fact that I need to repeat to myself daily.
I know I've written about this before and in between then and now I've probably been in and out of poverty mentality about 50 times. This is a lifelong battle for me. And it is the cause of much of my procrastination, because as I've been mindful about the things I put off they are most often things that would bring either money or some form of success and happiness.
Now I'm off to make a list. Not a to do list, but a list of all the reasons why I will not hold myself back from money, success or happiness.
And by the way, I mailed the form yesterday.


© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Positive Thinking and other self help fumbles

For the past 20 years or so the quick fix self help gurus have placed a nauseating amount of emphasis on the application of "Positive Thought" as a cure all for all social problems. From overcoming  poverty to finding convenient parking spaces we are told to visualize our needs and to apply positive energy to these thoughts and we will be blessed with whatever it is that our little hearts desire. I realize this may seem to be a gross oversimplification and it probably is but truthfully for every one educator/life coach or mentor who truly understands the use of positive energy it seems there are 5 more who toss the notion around like little band aids hoping they will stick and take away all our owies. And if they don't stick it's probably because we did something wrong, we picked at it or maybe our skin wasn't clean enough for the band aid to adhere properly...or we just didn't really believe it would work.

Well of course it didn't work and here's why. Many of us don't believe it will work, not because we don't want it to, but because we've never been taught how to develop that velcro skin that picks up all the good stuff. We're more like teflon when it comes to positive energy. We do this because we have discovered time and time again that any thing good and comforting and healing that comes our way must certainly come at a cost and with some hidden agenda.
And therefore we do pick at the band aids, peeking to see if our wounds are indeed healing or if they are secretly festering and and growing beneath the veil of the band aid. We have a firmly entrenched sense of mistrust, well sealed within our teflon shell not because we want to but because at some time in our lives we had to. It kept us safe from the unpredictable and confusing gestures that have been handed us in the guise of love, only to reveal the narcissistic craving that was so well concealed in the pretty picture of love and concern. You can trap more flies with honey than with vinegar as my grandmother used to say, and any predator worth their salt knows that fact all to well. They rely upon the strategy as their primary method of entrapment. Then when things go wrong and we become hurt, we are soothed with the insidious plea that begs us to remember that it was all done to us out of love and concern...how dare we feel hurt or angry when someone was merely acting out of love and in the interest of our well being.
It should come as no surprise then that when some sweet talking agent of personal growth comes along telling us that we simply need to focus on the positive, if we don't immediately dismiss them from our lives, we may desperately want to believe them. We may even try to apply their suggestions, but we are unable to make it work.
And sadly many of us do try to make it work only to end up berating ourselves for our inability to follow the simple formula for happiness.
The bottom line is one cannot slap a bandage on a very well established wound with out first cleansing the the injury and removing any shards of emotional shrapnel that may be trapped within. Once we have done this we stand a good chance to benefit from certain applications of the Happy Band-aid Process.
 Stay tuned tomorrow for a follow up post to discuss cleansing the wounds and what and what not to expect from all those Happy Thoughts we can apply to keep them safe.

Be Safe,
Jenny

© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard