abundance: allowing yourself to receive

I'm sitting here on my bed writing on my brand new laptop. What luxury, I think to myself. My old laptop was purchased for 150.00, rebuilt, and of course it was better than nothing, but it ran slowly and the power cord didn't seem to quite fir. It would not stay properly connected which would result in me having to get it propped in there in just a certain way and then NOT MOVE while the connection was maintained. And the battery was so weak, I didn't dare leave it unplugged for any length of time. Like I said it was better than nothing, and I've been trained throughout my life to be grateful for what you have and to make do with very little. Now there is a lot to be said for gratitude, a little goes a long way and we should be grateful for what we have. Unfortunately some of us interpret that to mean that we have to "settle" and never bother striving for anything better. This is especially true when we have been taught that we don't deserve better, ot are otherwise made to feel inferior. Whether this belief was imposed on us by our parents, teachers, abusive partners or even by ourselves for feeling guilty over mistakes we have made, the end result is the same...we believe that we don't deserve. We don't deserve to be happy. We don't deserve to be loved. We don't deserve prosperity. The list of things we deny ourselves goes on and on. This was a particularly difficult issue for me. Having been raised in a family were money was tight and social consciousness was high I was taught at an early age about poverty and class. it's a good lesson to learn early on, but somehow the messages got mixed. Maybe because I was an especially sensitive child who tended to take on other peoples problems, I began at an early age to feel that it was wrong for me to have things that other people couldn't have. As if my sacrifice would somehow ease others suffering. Martyrdom begins at an early age for some of us. Later in my Hippie morphed into Punk phase as a late teen/early adult I was quick to suppress my growing desire to maybe want some material things (at least the latest fashions) into the fashion of rebellion and poverty. We wore ratty clothes and lived in crummy apartments because we rebelled against white middle class America. Never mind the fact that was where most of us were born and bred. Cycling through different justifications, some of them "moral principles" and some of them born of pure guilt and low self worth, I carried this "poverty mentality" well into my adulthood. It has only been in recent years that I have come to realize a few facts that have helped me change my penchant for self denial. First and foremost I have worked very hard via therapy, alternative healing, reading, meditation and support from those close to me to rediscover my authentic self and develop a compassionate relationship with myself.Without taking this first step nothing that follows would have been possible. Second, I realize the faulty thinking in the belief that my if others were lacking or suffering I had no right not to. How would my suffering ease their? On the other hand if I have something to give, if I have the tools and resources at my disposal, I can do a great deal to help others. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the people in my life who taught me I "couldn't have/didn't deserve were not people who were invested in my best interests. In face a few of them were quite invested in keeping me down, under their control. And why would I chose to hold on to their messages? Finally, no matter how much I allow myself to receive, it's not in my character to want more than I need or to become obsessed with materialism, and I think it's safe to say that for most of us who are survivors. We have a compassion and generosity that has grown out of pain and loss. It is one of the greatest gifts we can claim, and be grateful for, that our histories have given us. Let's just remember to save a little of that for ourselves. One final thought from my Mother, 'The Universe will take care of your need, but not your greed" Peace and blessings, Nanakoosa