An Eerie Silence

A few years back I had been experiencing brief and unexplained periods of what I initially identified as "depression". I had been, no doubt, influenced by our society's misguided perception of emotional response, And I'm not just referring to the segment of society that is blindly parroting the medical "advice" doled out by prescription happy shrinks. There are some other experts", more benign and well intended, spiritual in their approach; the feel good, Law of Attraction, New agey folks. Not only influenced, but perhaps misdirected?

I won't bother myself, or my readers, to speculate upon their intentions and it's unrealistic to attempt to cloak an entire group of people with one definitive blanket even if I were to try. What I am able to speak to is my internal processes and reactions to the messages I hear again and again from both schools of thought.

The most clear, and harmful implication is fairly consistent- a full range of emotion is somehow undesirable.

Anxiety and Stress are probably two of the most often maligned emotions and yet they are as common as any other, especially in our society that forces us to live in systems that are generally at odds with Human rhythms and patterns of survival. Some of us, due to life circumstances, "poor" choices or other influences learned to function on a high level of stress at an early age. We become accustomed to stress and anxiety to the point that it becomes the driving force by which we get up each day and do the things we are expected to do. To a certain degree, this can be okay. some of us a wired for a little more high voltage than others. Some of us adapt our wiring to accommodate a chaotic childhood or a series of challenging life events. I am one of those people. But as I've grown older and a little wiser, I have come to understand the benefits of a more quiet mind and a peaceful existence. You would think this would be a fabulous breakthrough of enlightenment and joy, right? Wrong. Just like any unused muscle or tendon will rebel at physical therapy, crying out in pain as our brain tells us "this can't possibly be right. This quack has no idea what they are doing!" so it goes for our emotions. Unfamiliar movement is uncomfortable, even if it is what best for our all over health and well being.

So as I have found myself being able to relax, to be calm and content I also found myself in unfamiliar, and therefore uncomfortable, territory. Without stress or anxiety I felt unmotivated, directionless and even tired. I concluded that I must be depressed, after all it read like the checklist. Do you feel a sudden loss of interest in activities? A lack of sex drive? Oh dear! Depression!!!

Only on further introspection I realized I was missing a key component of depression, I was not unhappy, weepy or miserable, I was simply frozen, lost and uncertain of what to do with this incredibly boring sense of calm. I had found what I had been looking for now I just needed to figure out what to do with it. Which was at first basically nothing. I simply had to let it Be. By letting it Be and allowing myself to sit with it, it began to become more familiar and more comfortable. Even though busy bees of thought made several attempts to invade my new found place of peace, I reminded myself that if I didn't swat at them they wouldn't sting. They would become bored with my boring little life and fly away.

And so I've learned over the years to be okay with Calm, to resist the urge to call it something else, like depression, because doing that was giving it a name that would demonize it and would mean it needed to be eliminated from my psyche (oh our minds can be so tricky sometimes!) The sad thing is, if I had decided that I was indeed depressed, I would have been prescribed drugs that would have interfered with my own process of working through the stretching and mental exercise that brought me to this point of acceptance and understanding. Feelings are feelings and they are all okay. They all serve a purpose. When we have limited our selection of preferred feelings, it takes some practice to work with the new ones. We just need to try them on for size, see how they fit, walk around in them for a while and break them in like a new pair of shoes.

Note: As I was in the midst of writing this post, I was given a link to another post my my friend Kat. It was nothing less than Divine synchronicity that she shared her story at this time. Great Women's minds think alike!! Here is the link, read and enjoy!!!

http://katmanaan.com/goddess-speak-thoughts-on-anxiety/

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

The Question of Commitment

Courtesy of the Graphics Fairy

In some not so recent years the pop culture discussion on the battle of the sexes and relationships was obsessed with the general unwillingness of the average male to commit.  Phrases like "the peter pan syndrome" were all part of this Urban Legend that in the world of dating and romance women were far more interested in finding a mate for life whereas men, it seemed, were primarily concerned with the excitement of the chase and proving their sexual prowess by bedding as many women as possible.
As old fashioned as these notions sound, it would seem they have persisted into the 21st century. Or at least it would seem so to anyone who relies on popular magazines, romantic comedies and pop psychology as a source of reliable information.
I'm not one of those people and frankly I don't even know many of those people well enough to discern whether or not they believe this rubbish. I am a bit curious though. Having grown up in the 60's I watched my Mother and her peers challenge the notion that a Woman attending college was not simply trying to gain the fabled "Mrs. degree", but was instead actually endeavoring to cultivate a career.
As a side note for those of you not familiar with the term "Mrs Degree", it implied that a woman could better herself by attending college, generally gaining a degree in Liberal Arts, with the end result of becoming cultured and well read enough to be considered proper marrying material for a man of intelligence and power. Being armed with a fair amount of interesting but generally useless knowledge would enable a woman to maintain reasonably intelligent conversation the the cocktail parties she would throw for her husband and his colleagues. She and other housewives of similar class and background could commiserate about 18th century literature as they prepared hors d'ourves and desserts and dutifully attended to their spouses whims and desires. Hell, maybe they could even form a book club and talk about their vaginas if they were really liberated. Ultimately however, the supreme goal was to land a husband who was able to provide a steady income, healthy children and a few nice material goods to enhance the suburban ranch house.
But anyway, back to the future or the present. I recently had one of those moments of self realization in which I discovered that I, myself, am commitment phobic. As this thunderbolt of insight struck I was prompted to mentally review my past relationships (the fact that there have been many should indicate that this so called epiphany was nothing more than neglected territory) This was not so much an"ah-ha" moment, as it was a "well duh" moment. I realized that with a few exceptions (mostly in my younger more idealistic years) I generally tended to go with the flow in my relationships as opposed to actually planning some sort of future. I did actually get married, once, and that was because I was pregnant and despite my initial instinct to hop a Greyhound and raise my child alone I felt the father had a right to know that his supposedly non-fertile sperm had indeed swum it's way home and into the heart of one of my more willing ova. I told him because I felt it was the Right Thing to Do. I also figured he'd be the one to bail on the situation and therefore save me the bus fare and trouble of relocating. My ability to predict my mates reaction, as usual, proved ineffective. He asked me to marry him and against my better judgement and after considerable internal debate and rationalization I agreed. The idea actually kind of grew on me and I sincerely did want a nice stable normal life for my child. Problem was daddy seed belonged to one of the most unstable and less than normal people I've ever met (which was, of course what attracted him to me in the first place)
My second most valiant attempt at a relationship with the possibility of some sort of future, possibly an entire lifetime together, was with the father of my younger two children. We actually planned our pregnancy and he had picked up the role of father to my first born where biological dad had pretty seriously fumbled the ball. In fact he fouled out of the entire game.
My relationship with Dad number two was for the most part the closest I ever came to a sustainable, healthy and long term relationship. We discussed the idea of marriage, again he was more into the idea than I was, and quickly dismissed it as unnecessary, too costly and too complicated as it would involve awkward meetings of blended alcoholic families on both sides.
It lasted about 7 years until I admittedly, sabotaged the whole thing.
To this day I can't explain, even to myself, why I was hell bent on destructing the life we had. Most of the time I was pretty happy. To this day I often recount those years as the best years of my life. The Earth Mother Years.
I don't know why I walked away. There are some things about my choice that I do regret in a way. My children certainly would have suffered less. I would most likely be far more economically stable. A lot of things would have turned out differently. But they didn't.
So here I am now, 53 years old, single and pretty happy with that status for the most part. I can't help but wonder if I will be this way forever. Is this it? If I do find that 'right person' will I finally decide to make a commitment, to stay?
I'm more mature, a little more wise and much less restless. Would that make a difference?
I'm not actively looking to have these questions answered. I don't believe that people find their perfect partner by actively looking for them. It happens or it doesn't.
 Either way I think I'll be okay, and I do have that MS degree to fall back on.

Image courtesy of the fabulous Graphics Fairy http://graphicsfairy.blogspot.com/
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

The Eternal Teenager Strikes Again

When I first started blogging a friend advised me to have plenty of "back up blogs" for the times I was too busy, or unmotivated to blog. Like most intelligent and sensible advice, I made a mental note, filed under "good ideas" and then forgot about it. And like many of the files in that category I look back and wonder why I didn't take the advice.
I'm not angry with myself over the reams of unfollowed tips for better living, but I am a bit mystified by my absolute refusal to learn from my own mistakes. My therapist has dubbed me the Eternal Teenager in reference to my unyeilding position of Individuation and Hard Headed Self Determination. While I naturally wear this title as a Badge of Honor there is another part of me, more Parental in nature, that sometimes shakes her head in wonder.
How can you be so f@#king stubborn...use your goddamn head
This is how my Dad and his family would talk to each other but don't be alarmed, it was all in good Humor and Love. And it was also with the full understanding that we all operate under the same adolescent modality of Doing it my Way.
Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time has seen me experiment with different strategies. Dedicating myself to specific post days, trying for quantity rather than quality by posting brief daily musings, trying to follow themes or regular pre-planned topics, stuff like that. If I were doing this professionally I'd be out of a job, or maybe I'd be more motivated to pick a format and stick with it, who knows.
What I do know is this-I started this blog because there are a lot of Women out there who, like me, are Eternal Teenagers who, in spite of our lack of commitment or ability to follow life's rules have a lot of Wisdom, Humor and some pretty good stories. Being a little off one's rocker creates great opportunities for picking up a little wit and wisdom along the way, we all know that. Most of us are comfortable with that. But every once in a while we wonder,
why can't I do things in a nice orderly fashion like everyone else which may lead us to wonder if we are alone on this crazy patchwork trail of adventure we call life.
Sometimes my best and brightest purpose can be to remind my Sisters who won't or can't follow the rules that we are not alone, we are not "bad" we are just Unique, Independent and Creative. In a world of sheep, it just might be the Black Sheep that stands out and dares to evade the Wolf.
You can't cage a Free Spirit.
Peace and Love,
Jenny Nanakoosa

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

The Ow of Anger

Having your nearly grown kid be angry with you is one of the more gut wrenching experiences anyone can handle. Not just because they are our children and therefore we hope and expect that they will love us unconditionally, but because they so it so damn well. There was a quote by an actor that went something like this "your mother knows how to push your buttons; after all she was the one who installed them". Brilliant...and true. But the uncanny skill for knowing just what buttons to push and with the most effective timing and frequency is not limited to parental instinct. Children know this secret too.
Chances are when your kid is angry with you it comes out over something really petty, but the true nature or root of the anger is probably something you did or didn't do way back at some point in their childhood. You feel guilty about these things and they know it, so they pick on the most symbolic representation of the original hurt, something that appears benign and petty but is loaded with intent, and they hurl it at you full force.
In some circles this is known as passive aggressive behavior. In plain truth it's self preservation. It's "I'm angry/sad/hurt because of something you did but I'm afraid to bring it out into the light where we all have to see and feel it. Instead I will nit pick you about a minor and safe irritation so I can feel in control of the situation and you will feel bad, but not too bad."
So as opposed to the hypothetical Mom who installed the buttons, the kid has the users manual for the buttons. It is entirely possible that grandparents provide their grandchildren with these instructions in some sort of secret coming of age ceremony.
Right now my son is angry. He has a right and plenty of reasons to be angry, with me, his father and his stepmother. Now is not the time for me to attempt to resolve the battle with whatever demons he is facing. That time will come after he has acted out, carried around a chip on his shoulder and done whatever else he needs to do to acknowledge his anger.
Insofar as my response, do I take it personally? Hell yes. It is personal. As I said he has reasons to be angry, even if many of those reasons and events are over a decade old. Because it is personal, I need to deal with it personally.  ("It" being the feelings of guilt and remorse that have been triggered by his actions.)  The feelings were there already and even though I have "dealt" with them in therapy, with the support of friends and loved ones and in my own growth, they don't ever go away completely. His anger was the catalyst for an internal combustion of old feelings that now demand revisiting. Each time we do revisit these feelings, we see them from a new perspective. Hopefully each time we take them out dust them off and look them over, our perspective is clearer and our vision is stronger. Our ability to cope grows with our wisdom and it becomes a little easier face the fact that we have been less than perfect parents, friends, wives, sisters...whatever role we missed our cue in playing while we were otherwise distracted by our own problems, maybe getting revenge on our own parents at the time. Taking the time to sort these things out, individually, is essential to being able to resolve our differences  If we don't take the time to get our Egos out of the way then we are just applying emotional band-aids and postponing the real work of healing.
Peace,
Jenny




© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Medication Conundrum

It's not news that a shocking number of Americans are being treated with anti-depressants. Nor is it news that these drugs are often prescribed for "problems" that may or may not involve actual depression whether directly or indirectly. And I'm sure it's also no surprise that I myself have fallen into that ever increasing statistical range of individuals who are being "treated' with anti-depressant meds. In my usual Aquarian perspective there is no right or wrong definitive response to this phenomenon. There are however, questions that need to be asked and information that must be considered in order to effectively utilize critical thinking processes when deciding whether or not to use medications.
I was taking a fairly common and frequently used SSRI for nearly 3 years. Now I am not. Before I continue, let me make clear that I did not abruptly end my relationship with this drug. In fact I took a good six months to slowly wean myself off. And to use the common and sensible disclaimer "I am not a physician and therefore cannot give medical advice". I am an individual who has experienced the pros and cons of anti-depressant meds and can share my personal story of my experience with them.

I started taking them at a point in time where I was experiencing what is commonly referred to as "situational depression and anxiety". It was a time in my life when pretty much anything that could go wrong did. A real shit hits the fan chapter that left me feeling powerless, anxious, panicky, extremely depressed, angry and hopeless. I also had a lot on my plate that needed to be attended to because even when life pulls the rug our from under you, the rest of the world keeps right on going and there are situations that require you to pick yoursle up off that slippery floor and forge ahead.
At that time, the medication was helpful. I found it easier to focus as the constant anxious chatter in my ind was silenced. The nightmares I had been experiencing, triggered by trauma, pretty much disappeared. My energy levels were more stable. i was able to cope with the challenges life had tossed at me and managed to finish my degree and apply my energy to looking for employment.
Now three years later my life has stabilized and I realized I have time time and the knowledge to cope with mood swings or depression as it comes and goes. I presented the idea to my psychiatrist who, although a nice enough man, really doesn't know me all that well. The typical "med follow up" visit lats about 5 or 10 minutes and consists of a predictable series of routine questions "are you able to maintain safety?" (i.e. are you  gonna kill yourself), "how is your appetite" (are you gonna starve yourself?) and "how are you sleeping? ( do you need more pills?) When I asked about possibly getting off antidepressants his suggestion was, since I had previously experienced "depressive episodes" it was advisable to take the meds for the rest of my life as a "preventative measure".
Wait a hot minute. The rest of my life? Just in case?
Not a lot is understood about SSRIs. In fact doctors and pharmacological companies admit that they're not really even sure how they work. They've only been around for a few decades so there haven't been sufficient longitudinal studies the assess the long term effects on the mind and body. I seems logical and, just in case the logic of a former drug abuser can't pass the validity test, there have been scientific studies that suggest that the longer a person takes SSRIs or other psych meds the less likely that persons brain is to stabilize it's own production of "happy chemicals". In other words the patient becomes 'dependent' on these drugs.
I know what's next...and I've used this argument myself. "if you were diabetic you'd take insulin, what's the difference?"
The difference is diabetes is not over-diagnosed. Diabetes is not something that can arise out of a situation crisis only to dissipate once the crisis has passed. Diabetes is detected by a blood test, easily defined. Depression/anxiety are diagnosed subjectively using criteria that nearly everyone experiences at some point or to some degree. Although depression in it's most severe forms can be debilitating and can lead to devastating results like drug abuse, self harm, violence or suicide, it's important to distinguish the level of depression and the risk attached. Nearly everyone experiences some level of depression at some point in their life. Sadness and grieving are normal reactions to stressful or crisis events. The use of prescribed medication is one option out of many that can be used to cope with these events. It's not news that the numbers of people who are prescribed antidepressants has skyrocketed. Its not news that the pharmaceutical companies are making billions of dollars on these medications. For a person like me, who questions authority on a regular basis all these facts make the decision even more complicated. Am I just being defiant and rebellious? Or am I right in my assessment that people like me don't need a lifetime of medication to live a happy life?
Let me repeat that I took this process very slowly. Being the kind of person I am I initially attempted to stop quickly, weaning down by half a dose per week. Not a good idea. I experienced a kind of vertigo every time I turned my head, racing thoughts, and anxiety; it was as bad as quitting any street drug.  I changed my plan to allow myself an entire month to adjust to each decreased dose. In the final month I had tapered down to the lowest dose every other day then every 3 days. It's been about 2 months since I took my last half a pill.
I've been paying close attention to my moods and thinking patterns since stopping the medication. I keep a journal which helps me to objectively review changes or patterns. So far this is what I've observed.
I'm not really any more or less depressed or moody. My dreams are more lucid and clear, both the good ones and the nightmares. My ability to think and act creatively has improved. I occasionally have a sex drive (anti-depressants are notorious for putting a damper on that). My anxiety may have increased a bit, but I am actively practicing relaxation techniques to help manage that.
For the most part, I don't feel much different. The most significant improvement is my creativity. The most significant drawback is the nightmares.
As I said, this is my experience and I'm sharing as a means of providing one perspective for anyone who may be on meds, considering meds or coming off meds or anyone who simply has an interest in one persons experience. If you end up on medication to help with a situational depression I encourage you to do some research, talk to people who have had similar experiences. You have the right to make an informed choice.


Here are a couple of resources that address the problems that can be associated with discontinuing SSRIs and there are many more stories available.

http://justana-justana.blogspot.com/2009/06/ssris-withdrawal-hell-and-lasting-side.html
http://pamela-grundy.suite101.com/facts-about-ssri-discontinuation-syndrome-a205099
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/antidep/a/0207_ssridisc1.htm
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard