Point of View or Point of You

“People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.” Ralph Waldo Emerson



We interpret the world through the filter of our own experiences, prejudices, emotions and even our current mood. Given the latter factor our opinion or interpretation, is subject to change at any given time. What was tolerable one day may be the proverbial last straw on another day. Hopefully as we gather experience collecting tidbits of wisdom and useful knowledge along the way, our lens becomes wider and our opinions of the world become more welcoming and forgiving, less inclined to judgement or criticism. This is one of the benefits of getting older. While young people tend to think of themselves as open minded and 'liberal' they also tend to assume that older individuals are stuck in their ways, more inclined to judgement and inflexibility. If only they knew that for the most part the opposite is true. Yes, we are more secure in our convictions on matters that matter and our boundaries are clear were they need to be. We have constructed those beliefs and boundaries after years of trial and error and probably several mistakes along the way so if there appear to be areas of inflexibility they exist for a reason. Naturally there are exceptions to any rule of thumb but from what I can see the people who are rigid and harshly opinionated in their older years were much the same in their youth. It was that stubborn my 'way or the highway' reluctance to empathize that blocked the flow of incoming experience and wisdom that should be the highlight and grace of older age. Once a jerk always a jerk barring some life changing event that shatters the ego long enough to let in the light.

SO when I see people of any age rushing to judgement, hastily dismissive of ideas that don't fit in their world view, I wonder what insecurity it is that maintains that rigid point of view. I realize that this sounds a bit condescending so let me go on record as admitting that I have been extremely judgmental, reactionary and critical at times in my life when I was insecure and unhappy. It was only after learning to accept myself along with my flaws and imperfections that I was able to do the same for others. In fact I tended to be much more forgiving of others than of myself, so you can only imagine if I was looking down my nose at someone else the kind of criticism I put on myself.

It was in one of the lowest points in my life as I was taking stock of Things That Made Me Miserable I realized that my crappy attitude toward others was high on the list. This bitchiness, this tendency to gossip and bad mouth other people just didn't ever feel right. It wasn't a characteristic that I felt was inherently a part of Me, but was rather a bad habit that had emerged as a result of own my unhappiness. It was an attempt to cope with my disappointment with myself which quickly added to said disappointment rather than making me feel somehow 'better off' than those I criticized.

If I picked on someone who was in my opinion worse off than me, it was because I hoped it would distract from my shortcomings. This is a common phenomenon among alcoholics/addicts; there's always someone who drinks more or earlier in the day or diverts more money from their household budget or whatever scale you're using to measure and rationalize your own use.

If I tore apart someone who was doing better than me it was because I was envious but didn't dare admit it. It's preferable to paint success undesirable than as unattainable. 'Unattainable' admitted defeat and fear, fear that I would never be as well off, as educated, as pretty, as smart or as happy as that person seemed to be. Of course my appraisals of these peoples situations were likely to be inaccurate having been drawn on a small number of superficial observable factors. What did I really know about their lives, especially when I was pretty confused about my own life or my potential or even my own character?

Nowadays I still have flaws of course, we all do, but I am far more likely to admit it and to accept them as part of the ongoing process of living and learning. I am not defined by my mistakes and imperfections but rather by the way I choose to respond to them and the same goes for others. I am secure enough in my values and beliefs that I do not feel threatened by others that might differ from mine. Many things can be true at once and my truth is no less valid than someone else's even if they differ. It is when we can accept our imperfections forgive our mistakes and go with the flow that we are able do the same for others. Our point of You is our point of view.
© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Brain Freeze and Mental Heath Part II

I did it to myself again...I froze my brain. And not by walking in the cold Wisconsin winter weather either. Nope. What I did was write an impassioned post expressing my concerns about the public perception of mental illness, and then I ended by saying that I had so much more to say on the topic that I was going to write a follow up post. I even had the chutzpah to call the last post #1, implying that I would soon create a brilliant and equally impassioned sequel. I was so riled up, so certain that I had much more to say about this urgent and socially relevant topic that there was no way I could possibly get all that information and opinion in one singular post. I was on a mission!

Two weeks later I have two unfinished and unfocused drafts and I feel like I have painted myself into a corner. I have developed an acute performance anxiety that strikes only when I dare to commit myself to following through on...anything. After all these years I should know myself better.

Of course one could argue that challenging one's demons is probably a noble gesture, or that it's good practice that may lead to changing one's self defeating patterns. The latter is probably true, but so is forgiving ourselves when we don't quite succeed.

I don't know what it is about committing to something, anything, that has this power to completely slam me into a deadlock. I do have a couple of theories.

One is fear of failure. If I say I'm going to do something then people will have some sort of expectation attached to that promise. I will have no way of knowing what that expectation involves and therefore will be doomed to let someone down (this is my irrational thinking, mind you..not what I really believe)

Two, a promise infers a kind of deadline which translates in my mind to the realm of "should" which is a close cousin to the notion of authority, which automatically causes me to recoil. Is this a giant leap off the track of logical thought? Don't ask me, it's how my brain works, it's all I know. But all this circular thinking does bring me conveniently back to my original intent, to talk about mental health diagnoses.

My crazy train of thought and belief could easily be labeled as Attention Deficit Disorder, or Oppositional Defiant Disorder or maybe even some level of Social Anxiety. But when it comes right down to it I'm not all that different than most people I know. When they are honest about their thoughts and feelings many people describe similar traits. Some people manage them more effectively. Some people have a kind of kill switch that easily overrides these worries and the resistance that they feel. Other people are more introverted and would be terrified of sharing personal thoughts and feelings all over the internet. But you know what, that's okay. We are all okay. For the most part none of these worrisome little thought patterns hurts anyone, not at this level anyway.

The bottom line is that there is great diversity in human thought, emotion and consciousness and I'm pretty sure we evolved that way for a reason. It brings with it a diversity of talent and capability for life's essential tasks; different tasks require different abilities and specialized ways of interacting with out environment. But it seems that as we move into a predominately service oriented society and as more industries adopt a hierarchical corporate model of structure and management the limits of acceptable behavior and cognitive processing are becoming narrowed, more specific, more controlled. Creative thinking, so called 'distracted thinking' and questioning authority has no place in this world. So what do we do? Rather than making adjustments in the workplace to accommodate the diversity, we attempt to fit people into a model that does not fit. And if it doesn't work out, then it's our fault for not fitting in. And because we love to have reasons and explanations for things that don't work out the way we want, we look for a cause of the problem. We assess and diagnose and label them as somehow deficient.

Of course we also like solutions too, and the easier and faster the better. So we have pills for that. We also like profit in this culture, and oh boy is there profit to be made from those pills! Now everybody's happy, right?

Wrong. I was taking an ssri (anti-depressant) for a couple of years. Granted when I first started taking it I was in the midst of more major life crises than most people would experience in a decade, they just all kind of piled up at one time. The medication did help me get through a very difficult time and I am grateful for that. It also, I noticed, made me a very focused and docile employee. Hmmm, interesting side effect. This made me wonder if the popularity and frequent recommendation for use of these medications isn't somehow linked to that quality. Now I know this borders on sounding a bit paranoid, a bit like maybe I read "Brave New World" one too many times, but is it such a stretch really? Think about all the school age children in overcrowded understaffed classrooms, all with needs of their own, who are given amphetamines or other Attention Deficit medication because they are more focused, i.e. less disruptive to the class and easier to manage.

Do I think there is some evil plan to turn us all into a nation of compliant well behaved automatons? I certainly hope not. But regardless of whether this is some master plan at social engineering or merely an unintended consequence of an attempt to make life easier the potential outcome is the same. Creativity is stifled, diversity and unique traits are eliminated and, most frightening, peoples health is put at risk. This is especially true for youth who, when medicated through the most significant social and emotional stages of life, miss the opportunity to learn how to self regulate and manage challenging emotions and social situations.

Finally, because I know it will come up at some point, I will say that there are indeed situations where medication can be life saving. For people with schizophrenia and other psychoses it can make the difference between living in a bizarre world where there is no line between the reality we perceive and the often terrifying reality they experience or being reasonably functional . Even then, the side effects of these medications are often horrible and many of them take a toll on major organs like the nervous system kidneys and liver. I think that we owe it to humanity and to the individuals who experience these terrifying and disabling conditions to continue to research and explore other treatments and ways of managing daily life, because all too often it is medication and only medication that is offered as the means to manage their lives.

And for the rest of us who are all unique individuals designed for some purpose in this life I truly hope that we can begin to embrace our qualities, our differences and our quirks and that we are able to utilize them as we co create a world where we are all valued and useful. I truly believe that is the master plan.

© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

The Gifts of Getting "Older"

A funny thing happens when I hear individuals being referred to as "older". My ears always perk up and I immediately scan the conversation for clues as to the age of the person in question. If the conversation involves people in my age group, most likely older means elderly. I happen to be in contact with younger adults on a fairly regular basis however and often "older" refers to, well somewhere around my age.
Funny I don't feel older. Or do I?
There is a part of me that will always be young at heart, as the saying goes. In my heart, or my soul, I feel, well, youthful. I am generally optimistic, idealistic and free spirited. I prefer jeans (not "mom jeans"), t-shirts and sneakers; I don't try dressing like a teenager but I do. I don't try to look like a teenager and maybe that's the difference between looking ok in jeans and looking desperate.
Physically I sometimes forget I'm "older" but that happens less often, each time I injure myself doing something that reminds me I'm not 20 anymore, like trying to climb a fence to avoid walking all the way around a parking lot. Or roller skating.
If I strain my back it takes weeks, not days, for it to heal.
There are other things that remind me, since I do seem to forget, that I am "older"
Getting out of bed in the morning hobbling to the bathroom on feet that are stiff and achy (why? I haven't done anything with them for at least 8 hours!) and those feet can barely carry me quickly enough because my bladder capacity is not what it once was in my younger beer guzzling days.
Not having a period. It's been over two years now and I hardly remember what it was like, really. I can wear my "good" undies any day of the month (unless of course my bladder fails)
Not knowing what music is popular.
Walking through neighborhoods where every store has changed ownership at least several times and I can remember most of the previous businesses and how they were superior to what is now in place.
Walking though neighborhoods that used to be houses and now are condos.
My notions of classic cars and classic music are different than the dominant culture. Most of the cars I have owned would now be collector's status.
I call people "honey" and "sweetie" and not because I'm coming on to them.
I understand the concept of patience, and am able to put it into practice.
My only thoughts about Mr Right are the hopes that my daughter will meet him.
I am at last truly happy with who I am and really do not care if other people are not. And that, my dears, is the greatest gift of growing "older"
I know my readers have other "gifts of age" to share, I welcome anyone to add to the list, call it a virtual stitch n' bitch.
Peace,
Jenny Nanakoosa

Image courtesy of Photobucket, http://media.photobucket.com/image/older%20women%20funny/shymartinez1/_%20FUNNY%20QUOTES%20AND%20SAYINGS%20_/FUNNY.jpg?o=1
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard