Single, Widowed, Divorced Female Seeks Self

I tend to be one of those people who posses the innate ability to make other people feel good about

being single. I can effortlessly produce the rationale for utilizing time alone to truly know and appreciate ones self. I tell people, and I truly believe, that when the time is right the right person will appear and that until that time forcing the issue is likely to upset the delicate balance of the universe and result in a mismatch that is doomed to fail. On my moodier or my more manic days my advice may arrive more crudely packaged, swathed in darkly cynical humor but the general idea is the same: just don't sweat it-enjoy the present as it is-someday your prince will come and if not you'll be so busy enjoying the present moment you'll never notice. I don't just say this stuff to make people feel better, I really believe it.
It's so much easier to reassure someone else that to grace ones self with the same comfort.
Most times I am reasonably happy being single...although I must admit the word 'single' kind of makes me cringe. There's something about it that implies that it is a temporary condition, that one is either actively seeking a permanent partner or is out to get laid as frequently as possible. "Swinging singles", a dated phrase from my youth, is indelibly etched in my mind. Although I have to say when faced with the options on identification forms, it feels better to say that than it does to say 'divorced'. My divorce happened so long ago I feels like it shouldn't count, like there should be a statute of limitations. I've considered "widowed", the sympathy it would garner is tempting and it sounds far more intriguing than the other two, especially at my age, I would simply have to over look the fact that my husband passed away over a decade after our divorce so that's kind of a white lie as they say.  "Never married" is a nice option they sometimes offer. It carries an air of mystery....why would a woman of her age never have married and what kind of exciting free spirited life did she lead? hmmmm? But that would be more of an actual outright lie, not so white.
No matter how you slice it or what you name it I am indeed, unpartnered, single, divorced and in a way widowed (but not really) and all of a sudden it's starting to feel lonely. Maybe it was exciting for a while because it was different. After all I have been in some sort of relationship for most of my adult life. I tended to go rather quickly from one to the other and in some cases had that little overlap just to make sure I didn't have to wonder what to say on those information forms. Now, in the past decade or so, the stretches between relationships seem to grow longer, quieter, more comfortable. And in those stretches of time, my requirements to change that status become more refined. Over time they have 'refined' to the point of being almost absurd in their specificity as my life becomes more settled in routine and quirky habit less welcome to change or disruption. There are fewer points that are negotiable. The dog sleeps on the bed. The butter stays out on the counter. I'll pick up my underwear when I damn well feel like it and maybe I do want to be up at 3 am reading. On the other hand there are so many areas where I am extremely flexible and/ or easy maintenance. Never forget that you as the potentially partnered, are half the equation.
Just for fun I started a list of characteristics that I would want in a mate. This is a pretty common exercise in counseling or other self help type programs. Optimally the list then gets divided into negotiable and non negotiable traits at some point, but I figure why bother even messing round and including non negotiable in the first place right? Just cut to the chase. So anyway, I started my MANifesto, got about a dozen items into the list, realized I was describing myself and that's when I left off. Haven't touched it since. It's still there of course and like all good manifestos it probably should sit and stew in between additions so that's what it's doing now. At least until I can come up with some non physical i.e. obvious trait that would differentiate this person from myself. Otherwise I may be stuck being my own dream date. Maybe I'll just start filling in my own name in that space that says "spouse", it probably wouldn't be the worst fib on the form.


© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

The Gifts of Getting "Older"

A funny thing happens when I hear individuals being referred to as "older". My ears always perk up and I immediately scan the conversation for clues as to the age of the person in question. If the conversation involves people in my age group, most likely older means elderly. I happen to be in contact with younger adults on a fairly regular basis however and often "older" refers to, well somewhere around my age.
Funny I don't feel older. Or do I?
There is a part of me that will always be young at heart, as the saying goes. In my heart, or my soul, I feel, well, youthful. I am generally optimistic, idealistic and free spirited. I prefer jeans (not "mom jeans"), t-shirts and sneakers; I don't try dressing like a teenager but I do. I don't try to look like a teenager and maybe that's the difference between looking ok in jeans and looking desperate.
Physically I sometimes forget I'm "older" but that happens less often, each time I injure myself doing something that reminds me I'm not 20 anymore, like trying to climb a fence to avoid walking all the way around a parking lot. Or roller skating.
If I strain my back it takes weeks, not days, for it to heal.
There are other things that remind me, since I do seem to forget, that I am "older"
Getting out of bed in the morning hobbling to the bathroom on feet that are stiff and achy (why? I haven't done anything with them for at least 8 hours!) and those feet can barely carry me quickly enough because my bladder capacity is not what it once was in my younger beer guzzling days.
Not having a period. It's been over two years now and I hardly remember what it was like, really. I can wear my "good" undies any day of the month (unless of course my bladder fails)
Not knowing what music is popular.
Walking through neighborhoods where every store has changed ownership at least several times and I can remember most of the previous businesses and how they were superior to what is now in place.
Walking though neighborhoods that used to be houses and now are condos.
My notions of classic cars and classic music are different than the dominant culture. Most of the cars I have owned would now be collector's status.
I call people "honey" and "sweetie" and not because I'm coming on to them.
I understand the concept of patience, and am able to put it into practice.
My only thoughts about Mr Right are the hopes that my daughter will meet him.
I am at last truly happy with who I am and really do not care if other people are not. And that, my dears, is the greatest gift of growing "older"
I know my readers have other "gifts of age" to share, I welcome anyone to add to the list, call it a virtual stitch n' bitch.
Peace,
Jenny Nanakoosa

Image courtesy of Photobucket, http://media.photobucket.com/image/older%20women%20funny/shymartinez1/_%20FUNNY%20QUOTES%20AND%20SAYINGS%20_/FUNNY.jpg?o=1
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

That Ol' Poverty Mind

In my recent post as I pondered the predicament of poverty, I mentioned some of the tips we use to survive when in tight times, the way we manage with very little and often do so with a wry sense of resiliency and acceptance. The post was meant to provide some insight into the daily life of people living on a meager fixed income, and to serve as a reminder that entitlements are NOT sucking the lifeblood out of the economy while providing Cadillacs and cable tv for lazy n'er-do-wells who have "no work ethic".
Today I want to look a bit deeper at that apparent lack of motivation that we do see in some people who are living on welfare or other programs. It is a firmly entrenched Poverty Mentality that keeps people stuck in a state of mind and a lifestyle that, to the outsider, looks lazy and unmotivated.
Unmotivated, yes. Lazy, no absolutely not. It takes a lot of energy to budget every penny on a daily basis, to always be on the lookout for any resource to help ensure daily survival, one day at a time.
But "why do people appear so unmotivated?" some might ask. The answer is pretty simple: an absence of Hope. Some people have never known Hope. Some have had it snatched away, broken, or unfulfilled. To break a person's hope is to break their heart and their spirit. One can only endure so much heartbreak before the scars grow thick, constricting and impenetrable.
I have been fortunate to come from a background that allowed hope to survive, maybe a bit battered and bruised, but strong enough to survive and remain resilient. My family was the kind of family that could live the American Dream. Not the delusional one where you build a megacorporation from scratch and live on a Yacht, but the real Dream where you work hard, still have time for family and community and make enough money to live a reasonably comfortable lifestyle.
My own battle with the poverty profile stems from a more personal foundation, a damaged sense of self worth and fear of success. I think the same is true for many of us who, somewhere along the line have fallen off the track and stumbled into territory that we were not well equipped to navigate. Who is prepared for an abusive partner, a drug problem, a immobilizing episode of depression or a sudden loss of career? The injuries we sustain while lost in the wilderness do not heal overnight. As we regain our self worth and our perspective on life and our relation to it (which of course is the first and most vital step) we are still operating in a kind of survival mode, hanging on to what we have with gratitude and relief. At some point, however, we are "fixed" well enough that we begin to look beyond ourselves and into the possibilities to make our place in the world. For most of us it soon becomes evident that in order to do so were going to need some financial stability.
This is where it gets tricky. First of all we're still most likely in need of constant self affirmation that it is indeed okay to be happy and to want more than to just survive. Next there's the actual issue of money. They say it takes money to make money, even if that means having the ability to buy clothes for a job interview or to pay for a class to update some skills. Even in the best of economic times that can be a significant challenge. Nowadays, well I'm sure I don't have to outline the obstacles that seem to be increasing on a daily basis.
It would be easy to use the present flailing economy to fall back into that entrenched hopelessness that is the Poverty Mind, the daughter of the Victim. I believe it vital at this point in time that we all remind ourselves that we don't have to live our lives entrenched in poverty. We deserve better, as individuals and as a society. Maybe this is where the personal gets political and vice verse. I don't claim to have all the answers, or even half the answers, but I do know that on a personal level I'm going to commit myself to throwing off that security blanket of inertia and at least preparing myself for something better. I owe it to myself.
Peace and well being,
Jen
© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

I Don't Have to Have a Topic

I haven't posted a blog in well over a week. I have several first paragraphs sitting in my word documents, but I can't quite seem to get beyond that point on any topic. I don't now how many  of you are familiar with the book "I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart enough and Doggone it People Like Me" or subsequent movie "Stuart Saves his Family". Both are written by the now Senator Al Franken as his alter ego Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley. You may remember his daily affirmations sketch, if not you can follow the link below and see it for yourself. Stuart is described as a "caring nurturer and a member of several 12 step groups but not a professional therapist". The book is essentially Stuart's attempt to write a self-help book of daily affirmations (pre-blogging days) and follows his battle with perfectionism, among other character traits, as he struggles to maintain his commitment to his job, friends, 12 step groups, family and his book.  Because Stuart is a "caring nurturer" and a perfectionist the reader experiences a tour of the rapidly cycling highs and lows of someone who is just a little bit neurotic and co-dependent. And although it is essentially comedic, it has a bittersweet tenderness that reflects the personalities of anyone whose childhood been affected by alcoholism, neglect, abuse etc.
This is why Stuart is one of my favorite characters to have arisen out of pop culture in America. I believe we all have a little Stuart in us, some of us more than others.  Today as I sat down with my laptop, determined to get out of this writer's block I've been up against, I suddenly remembered Stuarts commitment to write every day...the next entry was dated a month later.
The truth is, I find great comfort in Stuart's struggles with his self worth and I can laugh at them because they are my struggles as well. You can call it what you want, ADD (attention deficit disorder) post trauma, depression/anxiety or the result of a chaotic childhood but it is the stuff of daily life for many of us. And although we may have trouble with follow through and commitment and frequently lose focus jumping from one task or idea to the next, we are also some of the most interesting, caring and creative people I know. We don't fit the profile of what an adult is supposed to do or be but instead we explore our options internally and with the help of other like minded individuals as we create for ourselves the roles we want to embrace, the path we choose to walk on life's journey. We may struggle along the way, we get lost, we find an alternate path, we  fall down, we get back up but we do it on our terms, outside the box of externally imposed expectation...and we are good enough, smart enough and doggone it people like us.

"I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough and Doggone It People Like Me"
copyright 1992 by Al Franken.
Video retrieved from You Tube

© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Authenticity

Authenticity is a concept that I was introduced to when I was in treatment for alcohol abuse. Each morning the residents and house manager would start the day with the reading of at least one daily affirmation. The topic of authenticity was a common element in many of the affirmations, especially those intended for women. Maybe we lose ourselves in the midst of an abusive, controlling relationship, or in our addiction, or other self defeating behaviors. Or maybe we never developed a strong sense of identity and appreciation for ourselves in the first place and that itself made us vulnerable to abuse, addiction and other dangerous lifestyles. Regardless of what came first the chicken or the egg, one of the great things about residential treatment is that you learn or rediscover who you really are. You are separated from your family, friends, job, social life and most of your personal belongings. All of the external "things" we use to define ourselves are stripped away. You live in a house full of strangers who know nothing of your history except that you share the common bond of addiction, and now you don't even have that "identity" to fall back on. This is a frightening experience for most of us. But once the initial fear, anger and powerlessness wears off, we are left with the rather exciting opportunity to look within and remember who we are at our most inner core of our being. We are also able to pick and choose which of those traits we wish to develop, nurture and refine. And, wonder of all wonders, we are free to decide what characteristics, habits, traits and interests we want to introduce into our lives. It's like the terrible twos or adolescence all over again. We try on new roles and some of them don't fit, we rebel against change and rules, we struggle with self identity and self esteem. Most of us don't make it the first time through treatment. Finding our authentic self is too much work, too scary, too filled with uncertainty fear of failure,and worst of all fear of not being accepted for who we are. so we go back to what we know, an abusive relationship, the bottle, the pipe, the needle, whatever it was that we thought defined us. My aoda counselor once said to me, treatment will ruin any future relapse for you. As usual she was right. Once I had the glimpse of who I could be, who I wanted to be, that other life revealed itself for what it really was, a cheap gaudy mask designed to hide me from not only the rest of the world but from myself as well. So on my second bout of treatment, I was a little more receptive, a little less rebellious and a lot more willing to reclaim Jenny, whoever she was. I knew she was in there and I knew I could resurrect her. It has been a long journey, but within the last couple of years I finally feel I know me, my authentic self. Ever since that relationship with me has developed life has changed drastically for the better. Lucille Ball once said "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line". The love you find is well worth the discomfort of stripping away the masks and delusions we create in order to avoid being authentic.