I Am My Soul Mate

I have been single for a little over a year now. For me this is an accomplishment. I used to be one of those people who believed that without a partner I was incomplete. That kind of thinking has gotten me into a considerable amount of trouble over the years and has led to missed opportunities for personal and professional growth. It has only been in the last decade or so that I have overcome that belief and have enjoyed periods of singularity and yes, even celibacy.

2011 was a challenging year for my hard won sense of self sufficiency. I had been through two relationships within a year. The first ended when my partner relocated for employment. Actually it ended shortly after he relocated, as we did make a brief effort at the long distance relationship. It was a half hearted effort on both our parts I think, almost a gesture of politeness or respect for one another or of the very ideal of enduring love.

Once that ended, civilly, I decided for about the thousandth time that love was a lovely ideal but most likely not something that was destined for me. I had a lousy history with it and so did my parents, although to their credit they did both eventually find partners with whom they have managed to stay happily partnered for 30 years each. So the second relationship was not meant to be taken seriously, in my mind, but I ended up getting hurt in the process anyway. That relationship was short lived and quite dysfunctional and it took me by surprise. Surprise because it had all the elements of some of the relationships I had when I was younger and vulnerable. At the time I met this man I was vulnerable again, not because I had suddenly forgotten the painful lessons I have learned along the way but because I was not yet healed from the loss of a very sweet and comfortable relationship that had too recently ended. It was the proverbial 'rebound romance'. I hate falling for cliches even more than I hate the fact that they exist. Even if it's not true love, it never feels good to be taken advantage of and manipulated.

Once that little fiasco was out of the way I pretty much decided that was it I was done with all this relationship stuff. If I couldn't even manage to come out of a casual relationship unscathed it wasn't worth the effort. I've been comfortable with my decision so far. I loathe dating and the pressure of meeting someone new, trying to decide if they are worth the time and effort of getting to know them better and all that mess. I also rather enjoy living my life by my terms, on my schedule and in my own style.

But once in a while I miss the companionship of having someone around who is intimately a part of my daily life. I miss having that person that I can bounce ideas off, share my thoughts and feelings and just Be with. I miss the level of companionship that evolves over time, a settled and comfortable affinity where half the communication that occurs is nonverbal, because you know one another that well.

Maybe not everyone gets to have that, or keep it. Maybe it's a little bit fate and a little bit me. I really don't know.

Most likely this longing will pass and I'll go back to being perfectly content being just me. Usually what happens when I start thinking this way is this: somehow I must emit availability signals indicating that I am single and out of nowhere men start appearing in my life, showing interest in 'getting to know me better'. Then as soon as I get to know them even a little better I realize, or decide, that they are not the person for me. There are always one or two glaring qualities that I just know I could not possibly endure no matter how many other likable characteristics the person might have. Then as quickly and unconsciously as I dropped the shield of detachment I summon it back and become once again, invisible.

Regardless of whether it is me or fate I often wonder about the bit of wisdom that says only when you really love and accept yourself are you ready to love someone else. Eliminating the perceived need for a partner certainly reduces the chance of settling for someone who is not right for you, or even healthy for you, that much is true. But I think many of us have come to regard the 'love yourself' ideal as a kind of magic spell or lucky charm, believing that once we achieve that state balance will be restored to the Universe and we will be granted the wish of True Love.

But maybe the joke is on us, after all the years of trying to achieve that blissful state of self acceptance all the while secretly harboring the hope that we will unlock the magic to finding our soul mate, that we discover we really only needed ourselves after all.

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

My Diminishing Vanity Takes a Hike

Image courtesy of the fabulous Graphics Fairy

Yep, there she goes, right out the door, not even looking back. Her Haughtiness, turns her heel and says "piss off Jenny"
Why this sudden break up with my old friend? Well, actually it's not sudden, we've been drifting apart for quite some time now. She stood by with her arms crossed shaking her head when I stopped wearing eyeliner everyday. Then when I got the dogs I started leaving the house in all sorts of unacceptable clothing, flannel sleep pants, sweats, a nightgown tucked into my jeans.
"Pssh, so trailer trash!" she would mutter as she sat down crossing her long lean legs refusing to accompany me on the walk that would involve, at some point, bending over to pick up a large pile of poop with an old bread bag.
The last tantrum occurred when I decided to stop wearing a bra.
"Oh come on now, you are in your 50's! You've got one of them pointing one way, one the other and they're not as perky as we used to be you know!" She in that snarkey adolescent tone of voice.
I think for a moment, and decide that I really don't care because, much to Vanity's dismay, I no longer wear shirts that cling to my torso like a glove. And as far as attempting to create some sort of cleavage with the bras that are designed to do so as some kind of favor for us 'smaller breasted women', I'm sick of the way they dig into my ribs. Besides once they take a wrong turn into the washing machine they get all knocked out of whack and generally don't hold things in place like they're supposed to anyway. That rogue left boob just pops right out of the whole 'push up' operation that is a sad attempt to create a mysterious and alluring valley between it and it's sister.
So Vanity was already pissed off at me and I've been ignoring her little fits. The big break came at the eye doctor. I had been indulging my dear friend a bit by not wearing glasses until both of us realized that squinting and not recognizing people from 20 feet away was also quite unbecoming. I did such a good job of ignoring my glasses that they went away. I have no idea where they went which sucks because at my last eye appointment Vanity was on task.. I also had a job, and money. I was able to pay the extra 200 bucks for the no line bifocals.Vanity was happy with that.
"No one has to know we have bifocals" she whispered giddily all the way home as I teetered about trying to adjust my eyes to the invisible boundary between super zoom and simple clarity.
Now 3 years and 15 all out fights with Vanity later I have settled on bifocals WITH LINES! Even I am somewhat horrified by this recent development. So today as I head out to pick up my new glasses bringing Sensibility along with me (she probably wears bi-focals...and comfortable shoes) I'll be peering over my shoulder for my old friend. If imaginary friends could come up with real cash I might indulge her, until then I guess Sensibility and I will be chumming around for a while.
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard