The Ow of Anger

Having your nearly grown kid be angry with you is one of the more gut wrenching experiences anyone can handle. Not just because they are our children and therefore we hope and expect that they will love us unconditionally, but because they so it so damn well. There was a quote by an actor that went something like this "your mother knows how to push your buttons; after all she was the one who installed them". Brilliant...and true. But the uncanny skill for knowing just what buttons to push and with the most effective timing and frequency is not limited to parental instinct. Children know this secret too.
Chances are when your kid is angry with you it comes out over something really petty, but the true nature or root of the anger is probably something you did or didn't do way back at some point in their childhood. You feel guilty about these things and they know it, so they pick on the most symbolic representation of the original hurt, something that appears benign and petty but is loaded with intent, and they hurl it at you full force.
In some circles this is known as passive aggressive behavior. In plain truth it's self preservation. It's "I'm angry/sad/hurt because of something you did but I'm afraid to bring it out into the light where we all have to see and feel it. Instead I will nit pick you about a minor and safe irritation so I can feel in control of the situation and you will feel bad, but not too bad."
So as opposed to the hypothetical Mom who installed the buttons, the kid has the users manual for the buttons. It is entirely possible that grandparents provide their grandchildren with these instructions in some sort of secret coming of age ceremony.
Right now my son is angry. He has a right and plenty of reasons to be angry, with me, his father and his stepmother. Now is not the time for me to attempt to resolve the battle with whatever demons he is facing. That time will come after he has acted out, carried around a chip on his shoulder and done whatever else he needs to do to acknowledge his anger.
Insofar as my response, do I take it personally? Hell yes. It is personal. As I said he has reasons to be angry, even if many of those reasons and events are over a decade old. Because it is personal, I need to deal with it personally.  ("It" being the feelings of guilt and remorse that have been triggered by his actions.)  The feelings were there already and even though I have "dealt" with them in therapy, with the support of friends and loved ones and in my own growth, they don't ever go away completely. His anger was the catalyst for an internal combustion of old feelings that now demand revisiting. Each time we do revisit these feelings, we see them from a new perspective. Hopefully each time we take them out dust them off and look them over, our perspective is clearer and our vision is stronger. Our ability to cope grows with our wisdom and it becomes a little easier face the fact that we have been less than perfect parents, friends, wives, sisters...whatever role we missed our cue in playing while we were otherwise distracted by our own problems, maybe getting revenge on our own parents at the time. Taking the time to sort these things out, individually, is essential to being able to resolve our differences  If we don't take the time to get our Egos out of the way then we are just applying emotional band-aids and postponing the real work of healing.
Peace,
Jenny




© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Following Nature's Lead; How's the weather Up There?

Hello Fellow wanderers and wise women

I hope everyone had a pleasant weekend, we have a new moon this weekend which I always welcome as a beginning, a chance to organize, plan and if needed, make changes or adjustments. One thing I have learned over the years is that self assessment and reflection are vital to my own well being. It probably doesn't hurt the well being of those who live with my eccentric nature on a daily basis either. this practice is complimentary to my thoughts on changing seasons and the cycles of nature that I referred to in an earlier post. if we relate to the environment around us it can serve as a guide and prompt us to be respectful and responsive to our own cycles and process. what a beautiful way to monitor one's own inner self and daily routine. The wild windy storm that pelted us with huge hailstones seemed fitting for the frustration and anger than many of us have been feeling with current events. for me storms are exciting, exhilarating and expressive of intense emotion. today is rather dark and gloomy, a day that could prompt quiet time and reflection, much as we ourselves will do once our anger has been spent.
Most recently i have been trying to stay afloat and in balance between the interests, passions and responsibilities of my life. I have been almost obsessive in following politics and attempting to inform, motivate and organize in whatever way i can. This involves a substantial amount of reading, discussion and fact finding. the only cause i will fight for unquestioningly is social justice. the path to this goal is not always easily negotiated as i sift through the volumes of claims, opinions, commentary and the sometimes ego driven motives of others. there are individuals who will vehemently defend the actions of their political party or particular candidate without taking the time to look within themselves and feel if they are truly comfortable with the plan, policy or action. they hurl hailstones at one moment then hop right into the next sunny day without taking that foggy, cloudy quiet day in between to reflect and restore.
i myself have been troubled by some decisions that have been made in president obama's term. i voted for him, i still believe he wants to do the right thing for our country and our future but at the same time i am willing to call out my own candidate on issues where i disagree. remember a while back when i wrote about not taking oneself too seriously; about true humility and maturity? i believe that the ability to draw our own conclusions rather than blindly following a party line or ideology is the fruit that is born of that self awareness there is great comfort in being true to one's own values and there is great power in challenging the decisions of others who may have promised us one thing and delivered something entirely different. we do not all have to agree, but i believe that if we are true to our inner values and respect ourselves, we will be more inclined to take the time to question situations that don't feel right. and because we are "walking our talk" we will not be afraid to stand up for our beliefs in a way that is respectful without being self compromising. how do you handle disagreement or conflict? how do you react "after the storm"? how's the weather in your soul today?
peace,
jenny
© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard