From Acceptance to Love-Your Relationship With You

Self-Acceptance...it's a good thing, no? It's one of those goals we all strive for as we travel the path to maturity and well being. I was thinking about the term and decided something didn't quite feel complete. Being a word nerd I looked up the dictionary definition and here it is:

ac·cept·ance

noun
1.the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2.favorable reception; approval; favor.
3.the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4.the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.


I don't know about you but this sounds a little less than enthusiastic. Not much passion or joy is implied here is there? Kind of like a 'I'll take what I can get' feel to it. There is clearly a sense of something being at least okay, tolerable. I think we can admit that accepting something, or someone, as being okay is indeed better than revulsion dislike or hatred.That is why acceptance is the first step we take as we learn to heal. We have to move past defeat, guilt and/or self loathing to the next phase which is to acknowledge that we are okay.

But it shouldn't end there. I think that for some of us, for me anyway, we kind of become contented in the acceptance stage. Maybe we start to take ourselves for granted as someone we can live with, or tolerate...but come on can't we do better for ourselves than that?

Think about it this way, if someone you care about very much introduced you to their new partner and the partner said "oh I can accept them" would you think the relationship had a snowballs chance in hell of evolving into a lasting and devoted relationship? Probably not. Wouldn't you likely find yourself thinking that your loved one could 'do better than that'? We hope and expect that our loved ones will be loved and respected in the way we believe they deserve, and we expect that love and respect to come from someone else.

When you think about it who on earth do we have the only guaranteed lasting relationship with? Ourselves! From cradle to grave there is one human being you will wake up with, get through the day with, rely on to make all the decisions and suffer or enjoy the consequences...it's you.

We think of a relationship as something that involves two or more people, but in reality we have a relationship with ourselves. Most of our daily survival needs, eating, dressing, bathing, etc. are self administered (as long as we are physically able) Our personal thoughts are conversations with our self. We have private jokes that only we understand. We even have conflict; sometimes. Quite often our mind, heart and body are not on the same page and we must negotiate a compromise. Each persons perspective or perception is so unique that there we truly do have our own version of any story in our history.

We spend so much time and energy in our lifetimes examining and perfecting our relationships with other people, but how often do we even consciously acknowledge the relationship with ourselves, much less actually put any thought or effort into that relationship.

In this this most vital relationship that is essential to our survival why is it so difficult to actually feel Love? It sounds corny and maybe even a little weird, I know. When we hear the term 'self love' most of us probably think of masturbation..We think of self love with a lower case 'l', not of self Love.

So let's think a bit about ideal love and partnership. What would we expect in terms of how we would want to be treated and how we would treat another. What do you have to offer to your lifetime companion?
© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

The Ow of Anger

Having your nearly grown kid be angry with you is one of the more gut wrenching experiences anyone can handle. Not just because they are our children and therefore we hope and expect that they will love us unconditionally, but because they so it so damn well. There was a quote by an actor that went something like this "your mother knows how to push your buttons; after all she was the one who installed them". Brilliant...and true. But the uncanny skill for knowing just what buttons to push and with the most effective timing and frequency is not limited to parental instinct. Children know this secret too.
Chances are when your kid is angry with you it comes out over something really petty, but the true nature or root of the anger is probably something you did or didn't do way back at some point in their childhood. You feel guilty about these things and they know it, so they pick on the most symbolic representation of the original hurt, something that appears benign and petty but is loaded with intent, and they hurl it at you full force.
In some circles this is known as passive aggressive behavior. In plain truth it's self preservation. It's "I'm angry/sad/hurt because of something you did but I'm afraid to bring it out into the light where we all have to see and feel it. Instead I will nit pick you about a minor and safe irritation so I can feel in control of the situation and you will feel bad, but not too bad."
So as opposed to the hypothetical Mom who installed the buttons, the kid has the users manual for the buttons. It is entirely possible that grandparents provide their grandchildren with these instructions in some sort of secret coming of age ceremony.
Right now my son is angry. He has a right and plenty of reasons to be angry, with me, his father and his stepmother. Now is not the time for me to attempt to resolve the battle with whatever demons he is facing. That time will come after he has acted out, carried around a chip on his shoulder and done whatever else he needs to do to acknowledge his anger.
Insofar as my response, do I take it personally? Hell yes. It is personal. As I said he has reasons to be angry, even if many of those reasons and events are over a decade old. Because it is personal, I need to deal with it personally.  ("It" being the feelings of guilt and remorse that have been triggered by his actions.)  The feelings were there already and even though I have "dealt" with them in therapy, with the support of friends and loved ones and in my own growth, they don't ever go away completely. His anger was the catalyst for an internal combustion of old feelings that now demand revisiting. Each time we do revisit these feelings, we see them from a new perspective. Hopefully each time we take them out dust them off and look them over, our perspective is clearer and our vision is stronger. Our ability to cope grows with our wisdom and it becomes a little easier face the fact that we have been less than perfect parents, friends, wives, sisters...whatever role we missed our cue in playing while we were otherwise distracted by our own problems, maybe getting revenge on our own parents at the time. Taking the time to sort these things out, individually, is essential to being able to resolve our differences  If we don't take the time to get our Egos out of the way then we are just applying emotional band-aids and postponing the real work of healing.
Peace,
Jenny




© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

More on Positive Thinking

First of all let me say I acknowledge that I did not follow up a day later as I'd said I would...therefore I will try to be more ambiguous in my promises (I'm sure most of my readers feel the irony in that statement).
Anyway, as I was contemplating Positive Thinking and other quick fix self help methods I realize that I must include the disclaimer that not everyone suffers from self-doubt, mistrust and a emotionally complicated childhood. For those people, I'm pretty certain these things can and do effectively improve their quality of life or at least their perception of their quality of life. But that's not who I write for. I write for the rest of us who have been damaged, abused, befuddled with mixed messages from those who we relied on to care for us; and for those of us who never were content to accept things at face value with no thought of a reality that differs from what is presented in mainstream culture.
Those of us who fall into that category have layers upon layers of developmental mishap to peel away and to lay the pieces out before us for examination. It's like performing an autopsy on your psyche. We visit different professionals to help us with this process and we walk away with more confusing misinformation than The Warren Commission.
We most likely conclude that we will never know which bullet killed our sense of self, but that there was indeed more than one lone gunman.
The purpose of this "autopsy' is not to identify the killers or the cause of death, but rather to examine how it is that we have internalized the messages of our perpetrators. As we begin to realize the nasty voices of self loathing and doom are not our own, but instead have been implanted (either willingly or unconsciously) by those who treated us as less than human, we can begin to release ownership of these toxic beliefs. It is not until these beliefs are returned to their rightful owners, that we can begin to truly believe that we are worth being safe, reasonably happy and secure.
Peace,
Jenny
© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

New Feature...Guest Posts!!!

 

Hello All,

I am very excited to announce that after a year of blogging and networking I have arrived at the point that I will begin to share stories, bios and interviews from other survivors, advocates and allies.

This feature will give voice to survivors and will also help promote other bloggers and advocates who are doing the same. We have growing Community of bloggers, writers, artists and advocates who are dedicated to dismantling the walls of denial and misinformation that surround Domestic Violence, Sexual Violence, Addiction, Mental Health issues and Poverty. I am honored to be a part of this Community, to have the space to share my stories through them and to have the opportunity to offer the same in return.

I will continue to share my own posts and experiences as well as having a featured Heroine at least once a month. In the interest of staying true to my mission and maintaining focus my political ramblings will be posted on my facebook group and page as notes. You will find the badge in the right column if you wish to follow my tirades!

Thank you all for being loyal readers for an entire year!

Today’s featured guest is Sherry Clyburn who I met in a discussion group on Linkedin.  It is a closed group by anyone interested in joining can follow this link http://www.linkedin.com/groups?home=&gid=2131700&trk=anet_ug_hm

Here is Sherry’s story; I hope you will join me in sharing her mission.

Peace,

Jenny

Sherry's Story

I am a survivor of childhood abuse which spiraled into a long term relationship with a man who introduced me to a life filled with domestic violence, and unfortunately I also became a non-offending mother of a sexually abused child. I am developing two books.


“Shadows of Silence: Book 1” gives readers a front row seat to what transpired in my life.


“Shadows of Silence: Book 2” This is an anthology e-book, with entries from professionals as well as both male and female survivors from most age brackets, from many walks of life and from many parts of the world.

As a sign of my appreciation for being a part of my e-book, you will receive a copy of the e-book "Shadows of Silence: Book 2" naturally free of charge (there is no selling price for this e-book)

Once I am published I will be presenting something that is rather unique gift. Most authors sell their book alone with nothing extra. I am giving the second e-book to those who purchase it. The second book will contain no less than 500 entries and no more than 1000. I am able to give it because I am paying a one -time fee for the temp plates.

Here's a link that will allow you to read some of my testimony and other articles that I have authored so that you can learn my writing style. http://sherry123456789.xanga.com/

I want to thank you in advance for caring enough to check out what I am doing. I really hope you will join me in my efforts to spread awareness about an issue that affects more than half of this world. If you are interested in adding your voice or if you have additional questions please do not hesitate to contact me at burt222@hotmail.com

I look forward to hearing from you.


Respectfully,
Sherry Clyburn

This is what I believe and why I work so hard to create awareness. Some people are under the impression that we can end abuse. I mean no disrespect, but honestly, these people who believe we will achieve the ending of abuse are looking at a different reality than I am. I might be wrong, but my belief is that we will never totally eliminate abuse. Nonetheless, I do believe we can lower the victim population through one simple equation: Education + Awareness = Prevention.

Image courtesy of The Graphics Fairy 

© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Ain't Life Full of Surprises; The Power of our Stories

I hope my readers have noticed the various badges and links I've posted on my page. There aren't a lot of them, I like to keep my page simple and uncluttered and I generally only recommend those with who I frequently interact and with who I think are especially relevant to my pages mission. One of the sites I regularly follow is Violence Unsilenced, a blog which allows survivors as safe, supportive space to share stories of abuse, healing and redemption. For many survivors telling our story is can be a pivotal point in our process of growth and healing. I frequently write about the impact of telling our stories in one way or another; writing, artwork, music etc. but frankly, I had forgotten just how much so, until my own story was featured this week.
I had taken a rather cavalier attitude about submitting my story, I'm old school, I'm used to doing this kind of thing, no biggie, just offering my contribution, you know "being there" for others, blah blah blah.
As so often happens when we adopt this Holly Go Lightly attitude, we end up skipping along right into a brick wall.
I had known my story was to be featured this week and was reminded yesterday when I received a message from Maggie, the sites Creator and Mother. Ok la la la here's my story, let's take a look....wait, what, holy shit! Let's look at what people are saying, wait, what, holy shit. What I realized was that having my story taken out of the safe confines of my own computer or even my own blog, my "space', was like seeing the world wearing a new pair of glasses. You know how you wait until you can barely see before renewing your prescription and suddenly the world is a very different place than you've been seeing (or not seeing) for the past several months.
Seeing my words "in public" was like having a CAT scan view, a 3 dimensional, multi layered look into my story.

I was moved by my own words, I was shocked by them; but most importantly I was deeply touched by the words of others who offered their support and feedback.
If a tough old Bird like me can be so touched, can feel so supported, respected and loved... it is a powerful reminder of the significance of telling our stories, our testaments to survival and of the Universal Love we are able to receive if we are courageous enough to reach out.
For all of this I want to express my deepest gratitude to Maggie for her dedication to Violence Unsilenced, to all those survivors, past, present and future, who share their stories, and to the readers who are so generous and nurturing with their support and encouragement.
Thank You and bless you all,
Peace,
Jenny

Visit Violence Unsilenced at
http://violenceunsilenced.com/
© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

A stranger in a strange land...

"I had crossed the line, I was free; but there was no one to welcome me to the land of freedom. I was a stranger in a strange land." ~ Harriet Tubman. One of my reasons for creating this blog, and my website http://www.nanakoosasplace.com/ was my realization that as a survivor, and a survivor of multiple challenges, I never really felt "normal". Even after receiving degrees in Social Work and Counseling I chose to work in small grassroots nonprofit agencies rather than for profit or government agencies. I knew I'd never "pass" in that world; nor would I want to. I would feel like an alien, a misfit and I'd probably end up getting fired. I did in fact get fired from my last job and I know it was partially due to my inability to conform to corporate like standards and expectations. No one was right no one was wrong, it just wasn't a good fit with the changes the agency was making. When I saw this quote by Harriet Tubman, I was initially transformed to the memory of reading her biography as a child. I imagined how lonely and terrified she must feel even while feeling the joy and gratitude of freedom. While her struggles and accomplishments were monumental compared to one woman's struggle with addiction, abuse and depression, I think there is a common phenomenon that occurs whenever we find freedom, from whatever it is that has had us caged. fortunately for many women leaving a violent home, recovering from addiction or embarking on another healing process there is support ready and available. This is especially true in the early stages. But as I had mentioned in an earlier post, "Crashing the Party of Normal Society", many of the systems in place are focused on getting the individual through those initial early crisis stages. It is often when the dust settles and we have stabilized that we realize that we too are strangers in a strange land. at this point we are faced with a choice. Either we allow ourselves to revive our victim role and accept some sense of defeat, that we will never be "normal" or we cherish the experiences and wounds that make us unique resilient individuals and begin to celebrate our individuality. After all most of were somewhat non-conformist to begin with, right? That may have been part of what got some of us into trouble in the first place. I say let us learn to embrace those qualities of non-conformity, of clever survival tactics of resiliency as we create our new reality. there are enough of us "strangers' out there that we need not be alone. There are others who understand. There are other women on the same path, the same journey to freedom and healing. Let's learn to recognize each other, and to support one another throughout the entire process of healing and liberation. If you read this post and feel it applies to you, take from it what you will and I always welcome feedback. If you feel you know someone else who may benefit from reading this please pass it on. If you find a stranger on the road who has a common story to tell, take the time to listen and support her. We need not be alone. peace and blessings, Nanakoosa copyright 2010 Jennifer Hazard/ Nanakoosa's Place.

Authenticity part 2

Authenticity part 2 The topic of authenticity seems to be cropping up all over the place. Granted I do a lot of reading and research on areas where authenticity would be likely to be a frequent topic and a desirable goal. For many of us in those circles, it’s not a novel idea. I am noticing, however, that the concept seems to be making its appearance in the collective consciousness; as things tend to do when their time is due-when humanity needs them and is ready to accept them. I’m not certain why the “divine timing’ but I can think of several good arguments for the development and nurturance of authentic living. If we are authentic true to ourselves and our inner being, our values become clear; we begin to realize and prioritize what it is that really matter to us. As our true “heart’s desire” becomes clearer we are less inclined to be persuaded by others that may attempt to manipulate us, convincing us that they know what’s best for us. I can’t help but relate this to the “economic crisis” and the role of advertising and the American trends of consumerism. When we don’t know who we are, what we really value, it’s easy to look outside ourselves to fill the emptiness of uncertainty and doubt we harbor. We are at risk of filling the void with seemingly easy, quick fixes; drugs, alcohol, spending beyond our means. Our country’s current economic problems are the result of both individuals reaching beyond their means to acquire things, belongings, vacations, homes, etc that they believed they needed and the greed and lack of morality of those who were willing to capitalize on those “needs”. A friend and I recently discussed the gift of having been raised in a household with limited income. You learned what was essential and what luxury was. You learned that people are more important than things. You learned how to entertain yourself and have fun with whatever you had available to you. My kids remember very few of their Christmas or Birthday presents. One of their most fond holiday memories is in creating a house from a large cardboard box that a Fischer price playset was packaged in. They kept that box house for months. They drew on it. They taped up curtains from old fabric scraps, cut out windows and even a mail slot and played for hours creating a world of pretend around their “home” I’m not implying that poverty is essential to the discovery of one’s authenticity, but I believe there is a connection between living simply and living authentically. Given our current times with not only the financial problems our country has faced, but the increasingly obvious need to create sustainable sources of energy and food, the real need for community and cooperation, it makes sense that there is a mass appeal for authenticity. If we are to create strong communities, work cooperatively and be open to lifestyle change, it is important that we have a sound foundation of self understanding and self respect. Once we have achieved this foundation, we are less threatened by change, by sacrifice and by new ideas and world views. As individuals we are all part of the larger community of humankind, links in a chain, with the strengthening of each link the chain becomes stronger, more flexible and more functional. May your authentic self thrive as a strong link in our healing community.

Inclusiveness in healing communities

One of the strengths of a survivor community such as a support group or non-profit agency is common ground. Women who have survived abuse share a bond that transcends age, race and economic status. The more inclusive we can be in our communities, the stronger we become. We have much to benefit from each other’s strengths. Our combined stories create a legacy that becomes more powerful with each contribution. When we are united as survivors we can promote much more awareness and community support than as individuals. It is essential that the community effort offer diverse representation. Although survivors share many common factors, there are also factors that are unique to cultural background, poverty, race, age sexual orientation and gender identity. There are many patterns to abusive behavior, but those patterns play out differently based on individual and cultural factors. In order to provide a holistic and unified approach to prevention and healing, we must put aside our biases and assumptions and truly listen to one another’s stories. It is my hope to create a forum where all survivors can feel comfortable to speak their truth openly, and to ask questions of one another. Our persistent misunderstanding of one another’s cultural and individual differences is too often perpetuated by the fear of asking questions and speaking openly and honestly, to have the courage to admit what we don’t know. This fear is often ironically the result of a sense of political correctness that warns us against appearing ignorant or, worse yet, of offending someone. Of course it is possible that someone may take offense in this situation, especially if we forget basic boundaries and communication skills. Within a group setting, this issue can be addressed at the onset, when the group’s guidelines are being established. I always prefer to have group members establish their own guidelines at the first meeting; this helps them to take ownership for the group process and to establish a pattern of value for individual contribution to the whole. On a more informal or personal level I find it’s best to have these conversations within a relationship that has established some level of comfort and mutual respect. A sense of humor is a valuable tool, especially the ability to be able to laugh at ourselves. Offer to share any questions the other individual has about your culture, generation, lifestyle etc. Of course we must be willing to accept that others may not want to respond to our inquiries at that time or to certain issues. To get back to the group setting it can be useful to have an entire group session devoted to understanding diversity. This is especially true if there is already some tension within the group. Having the shared identity of survivors offers us an opportunity to open the doors of communication to begin to understand our differences, and by breaking barriers and stigma we become a stronger more cohesive force for change. ©2010 Jennifer Hazard, Nanakoosa’s Place

Internalizing our healing

In our healing process we hear lots of beautiful, positive self affirming messages. "You deserve to be happy" or "It wasn't your fault" and the list goes on. I can't tell you many times I've heard women in their healing process say..."I get the concept intellectually, but I don't really believe it in my heart". Believe me I have struggled with this myself! Over the years of participating in my own healing process and those of others I've come to this conclusion: none of this will really "sink in" to our hearts until we form a loving, respectful and healthy relationship with ourselves. Now we are told, and know intellectually at least, that to form healthy loving relationships with others, we must take time to get to really know them. Well guess what? The same is true for ourselves. How many of us truly know and appreciate who we are? Especially after years of co-dependence, addiction, being who someone else wanted us to be so they wouldn't hurt us. These roles, forged in desperation and need for survival are deeply embedded in our psyche. It wasn't until years after being freed from my abuser and free of alcohol that I found myself "stuck", wondering why I still wasn't happy. With the help of my wonderful therapist I realized that I didn't know how to be happy because I didn't know what I needed to be happy....because I didn't really know ME. So how do we get to know ourselves? Here are a few tips that have worked for myself and my clients: Think back to when you were little. What did you want to be when you grew up? What books or movies did you like? What games did you play? What music moved you? Now go ahead and find a copy of that book (mine was Little House on the Prairie) read it. Remember how it made you feel? What about the book inspired you? You will be surprised at what you find, I promise. Draw pictures, make art without judging the content. A wise man once said "everyone can draw, we all have our own style" don't try to copy someones style, just be YOU. Keep a journal. This is one the most helpful tools I know of. If you've kept journals over the years look back at them. Maybe it was the one place you felt safe enough to be authentic. When you go shopping look at those items you always wanted. but "couldn't afford" or didn't feel you deserved. Make a point of treating yourself to one of these items. If it is out of your budget range ask for someone to buy it for your birthday or mother's day. Also resale shops can have some great bargains on items that you may want. Go ahead and make a "wish list" this step alone validates your desires, your style, your unique taste in clothing, furniture, whatever. Pay attention to your dreams as you embark on this process of self discovery. Dreams hold many answers if we pay attention. It helps to keep a dream journal because oftentimes the messages don't immediately make sense, but become startlingly clear at a later time. Finally, I know this sounds cheesy and may feel uncomfortable at first, but go ahead and tell yourself "I love you...." Be sure you say your name. You can add other affirmations as well. (More on affirmations coming soon!) If you try these steps you will find that there is an authentic YOU inside and you will begin to know, enjoy and who knows, maybe even fall in love!

Why This Blog?

Why this blog? As a professional who has worked with women survivors of all ages I have found there is a considerable “service gap” on two key points: Older women (over 40) and survivors who are years beyond the initial healing phase. My intention for this blog is for women to help fill that gap by sharing thoughts and wisdom about healing, growing older and the issues that we women face in our growth process. I will provide my own experiences, knowledge and hopefully a little humor to encourage other women on their path of self discovery. It is those of us who have walked the path that know the roadmaps, the obstacles, shortcuts and scenic views. So why do these gaps exist? First there is the age factor. It’s easy to confirm that we do live in a youth centered culture. Unlike other cultures that value the wisdom of the elders our society is all about being young, sleek and fast paced. I once heard a women say that middle aged women can get away with anything because we are invisible. I’m not advocating for us to try to “get away with things” but she makes a valid point that is worth examination. Middle aged and mature women are not the ones that get noticed in many arenas, and yet so many women of our age are accomplishing great things. When we do get media attention and become “visible” we are often scrutinized for superficial qualities like our hair of our wardrobe. How often did you hear news commentators or other media representatives focus on what Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama were wearing? I am optimistic that we women can change society’s view (or lack of view) of us. We have increasingly more efficient and accessible means of communicating and connecting with each other. We can share our stories and through our stories we share our strength and define our roles. This is especially important for those of us who have been addicted, abused, impoverished and otherwise disenfranchised. The second “service gap” is recognizing the long term needs of women in recovery from addiction or abuse. There are many agencies and organizations dedicated to helping women get out of abusive situations or to recover from addiction (many of these were brought about by women working together) but they tend to focus on the earlier stages of recovery and healing. I have discovered through my own process that the old adage “recovery is like peeling the layers of an onion” is an accurate metaphor. Healing is not linear; it happens in cycles and stages and sometimes slides backward. We learn to live more fulfilling, healthy, “normal” lives, but we carry scars that never really go away. Just as being victimized affected every area of our lives, healing must occur in every area. Sometimes we get one area “fixed” and are feeling pretty good about ourselves, only to have another issue arise. You finally land that great career only to end up meeting someone, falling in love and your fear of intimacy pops up. These are the times that make us vulnerable, that make us fall back into old patterns of self doubt. These are the times we need each other. So that’s why I’m doing this blog, to fill the gaps, to tell the stories and to honor the strength and wisdom that we have earned.

Welcome to Nanakoosa's Place

Nanakoosa's place is a space where mature women who have experienced abuse, drug addiction or other struggles can be welcome to share their stories, connect and heal. At this time of our lives we are free to rediscover ourselves as women, to create, to grow and to make peace with the past. I will contribute my own years of experience both as a professional counselor and as a survivor to help create a safe space for women as they connect with their inner power and wisdom. I look forward to sharing my insight, experience and wisdom with all of you. Blessings, Nanakoosa