Making a Living, Making a Life

This stage in my life, being unemployed, my children grown and living on their own has been something of an adjustment. I did, not so long ago, ask the Universe to grant me the time and opportunity to take care of some unfinished recovery business. The one day I said it and really meant it (I was in a therapy session) I was relieved of my employment duties within an hour. It was as if some quirky fairy godmother had suddenly appeared in a cloud of purple glitter, waved her sparkly wand and transformed my world. Remember Fractured Fairy Tales from the Rocky and Bullwinkle show? After all anyone who knows me wouldn't expect something of the Sleeping Beauty variety. In fact my Prince Charming decided to ride off into the sunset while I was napping, and his White Steed was a Mazda with a dragging tailpipe, his Kingdom a studio apartment on the lower East side...

But nevertheless my wish had been granted and I took the time to remedy some health problems, get some therapy and dip in and out of my spiritual journey. I have time to read, write and even do a little art. I have a lot of time to search my soul and ponder the next path as I head into the Golden Years. I spend a lot of time in conversation with the voices in my head (oh come on, we all have them!)

If it weren't for writing, drawing, music all the creative arts I'm not sure where those voices would all go. Eventually they would create so much discord I would reach out for some external stimulus to either keep them quiet or distracted.

Some of us have more chatter and discord within us, than the average person. Or maybe we are simply more sensitive to the demands of our mind, body and spirit. We are the ones who hit the extreme highs and lows of life and who feel the effects most deeply. Being cut from this eccentric cloth is what makes difficult to conform to the patterns society lays out for us. Working 9 to 5 Monday through Friday and other rigid schedules seems nearly impossible at times. Following step by step rules when we know we can take a non linear path and reach the same conclusion or destination feels restrictive and even boring. This is what makes us who we are, Women with a Past, women who don't conform, rebels and rogues.

So what do we do with our free spirit minds? And what do we do for work? Bear in mind that I am defining work not simply as a means to provide an income, but as that which gives our lives purpose and meaning. It is our contribution to society and our legacy.

That's the tricky part. I think that many of us who have gotten into 'trouble" of one sort or another have gotten there only because we have been forced into structures and patterns that are contrary to our nature. And rather than adapting the structure of task, like work for example, we try to force ourselves into this unnatural flow. We can only do this for so long before something has to give. We might act out and rebel against the rules or structure, we might tell our boss exactly what part of the human anatomy he most resembles and what item should be inserted into said part. Or we might self medicate in order to keep up with the patters, using stimulants to get us through the days when we just don't have the energy and ambition to carry on, or sedation to slow down to the pace that linear thought drags us along while we know we could complete the task far more efficiently and quickly if only we didn't have to follow their rules. And the guilt and self loathing cried out to be medicated too....just a few drinks after work will stop all those nagging voices, right? Or maybe a romantic partner will convince us that we have something worthwhile to offer, if only between out legs...the media does a great job convincing us that being attractive is a sufficient measure of value. Sometimes we give up, falling into depression and self blame, hating ourselves for not being "normal".

Think of all these emotional and psychological acrobatics we perform, at great expense to our own well being and sanity, just to accommodate normalcy. Think of how many of us have eventually, at some point in our lives, reached the tipping point where our coping mechanisms no longer worked and we slipped, slid and slammed into the inevitable rock bottom from which we emerged shaken to our core, but reborn. Like the day my fairy godmother appeared.

Once we get over trying to fit in (oh the joys of getting older and falling into self acceptance) we realize that we don't have to force out feet into the tiny Cinderella glass slipper that society has handed us. Suddenly it dawns on us that we have been awfully clever and resourceful in our attempts to be normal; we have developed and entire skill set built on survival and resiliency We discover that there are ways to make this whole responsibility thing work out, and there are ways to do this while also honoring our authentic self.

Some of us women may be branded as "disabled" in praise of our quirkiness. Depending on experience and the particular brand of eccentricity that led us into our personal journey there may be residual damage, whether physical, psychological or emotional that qualifies us for economic support for this badge of dishonor. We may continue to work the number of hours that are allowed and we may be entitled to protections and accommodation in the workplace Even then, if we do qualify as 'disabled' the few privileges that accompany that label are hard won; there can be a heavy price to pay for the simple luxury of flexible work hours or extra days working from home. Discrimination is illegal and it's also damn near impossible to prove. The real discrimination, the hushed whispers of co-workers, the resentful glares as you leave work early all take their toll. Meanwhile we are left wondering, again, if there isn't just something more we could do if we tried just a little harder to fit the mold couldn't we just get by? After all is it really a disability just to be different? Frankly my answer is a resounding "no" but for some women it has been the one thing that has made it possible to secure and maintain regular employment, and to that I say more power to them.

Some of us a blessed with skills and talents that have a market value; or we find a way to obtain the training needed to acquire those skills. If we're very lucky and very clever we manage to start up a business of our own, working from home or perhaps in partnership with others who appreciate our uniqueness. In many ways the internet has been a lifesaver, or a career saver, for those of us who don't fit the typical employment profile. By learning to be resourceful, creative and, yes, stubborn we are able to integrate our life experience into real work.

Some of us have mellowed with age to the point that we can count on being able to be present, at least physically for enough hours a week to hold a job of some sort. Some of us have careers that once abandoned can now be salvaged. I know several women who have swallowed their pride and returned to their careers, even if it meant starting on a lower rung on the ladder they were happy to be back doing what they love.

Unfortunately with the economy in the wretched shape it has been and appears that it will remain, many of these options are slipping away. And as we get older, the chances of being hired decrease with each year that passes. Again, age discrimination is illegal, but virtually impossible to prove.

I've been making it a point to talk to women in their 40's and 50's, women with a past, and learning how they get by these days. Getting by isn't just financial because work, ideally, is more than just a paycheck. It is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives. It is how we express who we are and the means by which we share our unique gifts with the world. It is our contribution to the whole.

I have often thought that rather than working 40 or 50 hours a week consistently until some bureaucrat deems us to be of retirement age (which seems to be getting older and older every year or so) it would make much more sense to create a work environment that is conducive to easing out of the job market, while also enabling older and wiser employees to utilize our life experience and wisdom as a contribution to the workplace. On the job Mentoring offers hands on training and support for younger people just entering the workplace. How many managers or supervisors really have the time to spend one on one with their employees? Resolving interpersonal conflicts, coaching a green employee through the uncertainty and new career jitters can save businesses time and money by preventing workplace discord and discontent. 

Professional consultation in one's areas of expertise can be an efficient means of bringing any industry up to speed on specialized issues of concern. Who better to consult and educate a team of sales personnel for example, on those awkward topics like sexual harassment or alcohol and drug abuse than those of us who have survived these challenges.

Some Women have created successful careers for themselves doing just that. We need more opportunities and, of course, funding helps; but even where there isn't funding now, can we advocate for ourselves and each other to be given the opportunity to share our knowledge and experience?

I think there are ways to do this...and with varying levels of commitment I have been brainstorming and researching possibilities. I would love to hear some feedback, ideas, success stories from anyone who has a similar vision. Together we can change our role in society; we can speak up and show them what we've got. We can create our own value and take our rightful place as Elders.

As Women with a Past we have so much to offer. We have experienced the highs and lows at the most extreme. We have made mistakes and we have fallen and we have risen from the ashes with the fire of survival in our hearts. How do you use your fire to light the earth?

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Flowing with the Seasons

Here in Wisconsin spring is a fickle maiden. One day she tempts us with the promise of summer, teasing us with warm whispers and the scent of new blossoms, an alluring perfume. The nest day she is cold, snippy, she spits rain in your face contemptuously; the date you made yesterday is off, no picnic for you, stay at home and find your own source of warmth and comfort.
Is it no wonder then that those of us who are sensitive to nature and her moods find ourselves grappling with our own rollercoaster of emotions.
I have always been subject to the whim of the seasons.  The winter blues or cabin fever can plunge me into the depths of an existential crisis. Summer brings a sense of freedom and joy, but by August I begin to feel like the party girl who has had a bit too much to drink, I just want to go home and sleep.
Spring typically brings a renewed energy, a sense of hope, and inspiration.

Therefore I feel a slap of disappointment when little miss Spring decides to withdraw her affection and warmth, such a tease! But like most sassy girls when she's good she's good, and today she was kind and flirty. I was lured by her charms to my little garden plot to pluck some weeds, I reveled in the nostalgic aroma of her Lilac blooms and my dogs trotted along happily as we walked to the co-op to buy some early greens.
 Life can't always be like a perfect spring day just as we can't always be happy, hopeful or inspired. We have our rainy days, our own fickle moods and throughout life we have our seasons. Nature is authentic, gritty, beautiful, terrible and yet she moves with grace through her changes. She makes no apologies for the sudden thunderstorm, but she brings renewal and growth in it's wake. Every mood serves it's purpose, to cleanse, to nourish and sometimes to destroy in order for healing and renewal to take root. Like Nature we can flow with the changes and seasons of our life fully alive in the expression of of the moment and  aware of our purpose.

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Life in the Big Picture

The past week has awakened my senses to a Way I have glimpsed but never fully comprehended full force. Emerging from the loss of  of my father; the process of reviewing his life. our family and each of us as individuals had turned the lens just slightly to reveal a view of the bigger picture with a new perception.
Some minor mistake, a careless error once easily dismissed, might now evoke sobs. On the other hand, a small seemingly irrelevant bit of beauty can appear as the greatest masterpiece contrived by Humankind or Nature. Suddenly I am at one time the center of the Universe and yet a tiny speck in the Grand scheme, and both things are true at once.
To bring it all down a notch, let me put it plainly: life is brief in review and everlasting in impact yet we tend to live as if the reverse were true. We pour of hearts and souls into leaky containers, hoping our devotion is sufficient to fill the gaps. We cling desperately to the words of other people hoping for self validation. But they are only words and we really have no concept of their true meaning do we? Not unless they are made real with the alchemy of with action and love. Of the hundreds of thousands of words we hear each day, how many are infused with that magic?
We pass by moments of Beauty and Grace every day on our way to saving  the world. Basically we miss the train because we are running so fast to catch the express route. And guess what? The World doesn't need us to save Her, even if we could. She just needs our Love and Respect. Life is a gift, grab it with both hands, unwrap Her with curiosity and delight. Listen to your heart and follow the message. Don't expect anyone else on this planet to make you happy, or successful or powerful. Only you know how to be those things. Anything or anyone who would stop you from being happy with you? My Dad would say "That's just a crock of shit"
Now...go find your bliss!!!!!!
Peace and Love
Jenny Nanakoosa Hazard

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

In between the extremes of 'turn the other cheek' and 'an eye for an eye' lies a world of possibility. Much of that territory is Education. Not just formal education but seizing upon teachable moments to present a fresh perspective and to infuse compassion into a volatile situation. For ourselves,there is the opportunity for  lessons in authenticity, the chance to practice and be who we really are in the core of our True Self. For those of us who have a history of having been victimized or dis-empowered, situations involving conflict or mistreatment (no matter how slight) can trigger very immediate reactions that arise from a place of self defense. From that position we are behind a false front, a suit of armor which obscures our authentic self from the rest of the world. It becomes a blockade through which no true human interaction can pass, in or out, and the opportunities are lost. We percieve a careless word, a dismissive comment or even a misunderstanding as a personal attack. Taking on the feelings of other people, especially the negative is most likely due to our hightenend state of self preservation. It's not that we want to own the world's problems as it may appear at times. It's actually quite the opposite, we dread being the receptacle for someone else's bad day the dumping point for other's anger.
 Anyone who done time an an abusive relationship will tell you that the "blame game" a crucial element of the dynamic. The abuser will not take responsibility for their actions, can you blame them? Who wants to be a jerk? No one is really proud of it, so naturally they shift the blame to the victim. As we learn to play the game, we develop all sort of tricks of our own to throw into the mix. Because the game is usually high stakes, at least emotionally, we often draw our reactions from extreme ends of the spectrum; we either withdraw and forgive or we return the attack with more venom increasing the potential for violence but armed with a sense of self righteousness. If we do become "clever enough to find a middle road, it is often a muddled combination of the two extremes resulting the the most odious of all behaviors, the passive-aggressive reaction. We may pretend to forgive for example, but do so in such a way that is so self deprecating that it practically begs for continued conflict. The role we play and the moves we make within the complicated and ever changing rules of the game of an abusive relationship are well documented and discussed in many books and studies; what I'm here to address is the far reaching after effects that bleed over into our lives sometimes even years after ending an abusive relationship.
I've noticed, in my own experience, that even if I'm generally doing pretty well in my relationships with others there are events and people that can easily trigger those old responses. For me the devastating duo are stressful external circumstances where I feel I have no control, and people (usually authority figures) who interact in a manner that feels cold and detached. You know, the medical personnel who identifies you by the illness or injury you are been treated for, "we've got pneumonia in room 306" or the service provider to whom you are case number 45361.  Unfortunately crisis situations, category number one, often brings us into contact with category two. These are the times I personally am most at risk for becoming either a doormat or a viper depending on my mood and energy level at the time.
These are the times that I have to remind myself that if I want to have sense of personal power over the situation the only thing I really do have any control of is how I choose to respond. If I am being treated in a way I feel is disrespectful or dehumanizing, I have the ability and the right to address the person who is causing the perceived injury. If I am to come out of this scenario with any sense of success it is up to me to be mindful in my words and actions.
So here's an example of a recent event where I was able to catch myself and walk my talk.
Last week was one of those weeks where it seemed everything was going wrong. I had a problem with my bank account due to an auto bill pay that I had authorized long ago and forgotten, my computer was on the fritz, I was having issues with my cel phone provider and then...my Dad passed away. Basically a shit storm of powerlessness. Putting things into perspective obviously some things are more significant than others and Dad's passing was by far the biggie. Death however is after all an inevitable part of life, overdraft fees, not so much. I managed to solve all of the mundane issues while also passing through various stages of grieving my father (of course that's all still going on but that's another story). The clincher came when I realized I was going to have to visit the food pantry for the second month in a row. That in itself was not such a big deal but I needed to cram the visit into a very busy schedule. Where I live there is a "Community Service Hotline" where clients can call to get information about the dates and times of availability of food pantries and other services. I wasn't certain of the times so I called the number to double check.The operator who answered the phone may have been having a bad day or maybe he just doesn't posses proper phone etiquette and I may never know the answer to that. What I do know is he picked the wrong day to tell me, very icily, that according to their records I'd already visited the pantry within a 30 day period and that I couldn't go there again for another week. Now according to the cheat sheet in front of him this may have been the instructions he was told to provide, but I know from experience that particular pantry allows people to come every two weeks, and  I told him that all I really needed was the hours of operation. He actually refused to give me the information, based on his belief that I was somehow breaking the rules. I tried reasoning with him telling him that I wasn't going to argue the rules I simply wanted to know what time they open, and he became more determined to not tell me. The phone call ended rather abruptly when I asked to be transferred to a supervisor and was put on 'hold' i.e. disconnected.
So at his point I was beyond "triggered" I was loaded, cocked and ready to fire at anything that crossed my path. I was also in tears. Everything hit me at once and it was my grief that saved me. All I'd really wanted was a little compassion. I thought about that for a bit, and after running through the first scenarios that came to mind, the victim card, the righteous indignant card the passive-aggressive 'let me speak to your manager and get you into trouble ' card it occurred to me that none of those were real, they were all just moves in a game that I no longer play. If I want real that I have to be real. I took some deep breaths, I got real and I called the hotline back. The same operator answered. I took another deep breath and told him calmly how I felt, in the moment; no extra information, no long stories, I simply let him know that his manner of speaking had made me feel less than deserving, less than human. I told him that while I understood that maybe he was having a bad day that his job involves interacting with people who are in need and that people in need tend to be vulnerable. I asked for no apology or explanation, I simply asked that in the future he would remember that on the other end of the phone was a real person with real needs and real feelings. Then I wished him a pleasant day, hung up and let it go.
I really sincerely do hope that the next time he has a crappy day that he can envision a real person on the other side of the phone. I hope that no one else has to be made to feel less than human because he has to "follow the rules" without question. I hope we can all remember, when were having a shitty day that our bad moods are fleeting and temporary but that the words we say and how we say them can send ripples through time. Maybe our teachable moment will bring something of value to someone else, maybe not.  If we can be honest with ourselves the words we put out there will be authentic and the ripples they send will be the vibration of our true Being and that, my friends, is the gift of Life.
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Responsibility, The Drama

I have been accused at times for not taking responsibility. At other times I have taken on responsibility that was not mine to tend. In truth, both statements are one in the same. I adopted responsibilities of others as validation; “I am doing something, see” or as an alibi “I can’t do so and so because I’m doing this and that for such and such” and therefore completely avoided the frightening developmental task of “self-accountability”

I misplaced my sense of duty and commitment usually to people and projects that were lost causes, perhaps because I believed I was doomed to fail anyway. Yet this way if I failed, it wan’t really me failing, but the person/thing I’d poured my heart and soul into salvation, leaving none behind of course, for me to risk screwing up on my own efforts. I couldn't be blamed for trying to help, in fact it made me a “good person” didn't it? “What a good person that Jenny is, always there to help others”... “always there for the Underdog”

Never mind the reality that the Underdog was not there for him/herself any more than I was there for myself. We were both conspirators in this charade and we understood and performed our unspoken roles quite well, an innate improvisational theater of the absurd. A painfully overacted satire of human relationships, dreams and aspirations. To the observer with ample wit, a comedy of errors; to others it must have appeared as a tragedy, awkward and painfully maudlin.

When I was in aoda treatment I had one of those old school tough love therapists, the ones who use confrontation as a tool to breakthrough well versed denial that we addicts cling to like a security blanket. One day in a group session many of us were discussing our tendency toward co-dependence. I couldn’t help but notice that the conversation was veering dangerously down the road to competition, as stories so often do among women.  We were actually taking a fair amount of pride in our co-dependence; and “that no matter how much we drank or used we still took care of others”. The therapist, in her characteristic no nonsense “I’ll straighten you out” manner had been quietly observing this dialog with the eye of a hawk regarding a burrow of rabbits. Finally she struck, “Co-dependents are the most selfish people I know”

 “Whaaat? Moi? How can that be?” After all we were clearly so giving. so willing to self sacrifice.

We were, after all, nice people underneath our exterior substance abuse and resulting bad behavior.

It soon became clear that the level of our indignation was indicative of the truth in her statement. Our defenses had clicked into place and we demanded an explanation for this bizarre theory. After about an hour of good old fashioned group therapy and open ended questioning, most of us came to realize that our cruel and heartless therapist actually believed that the sacrifices we made had always had a not-so-altruistic purpose. In fact they had offered justification for our problems, validation for our existence, excuses for our lack of action and they allowed us to manipulate others around us.

Of course, she was right.

What took much longer than an hour of group therapy was the realization that we all have personality traits that are less than perfect, often dishonest (even to ourselves) and sometimes downright nasty. It takes years, sometimes, to accept that the darker parts of us are valid bits of the whole person. If we look at our life history we discover the origin of these patterns and beliefs. Most alcoholics did not come from ideal families or circumstances. The manipulation and self destructive patters we carry deep inside where no one can see (or so we think) are really nothing more than acts of survival. You don’t get by in an unstable, unpredictable land of ever shifting boundaries with out learning some tricks of the game. You have to play by the same non-rules as everyone else of you will be consumed by powerlessness and defeat.

There comes a time, however, when we choose to live our lives differently and after some trial and error we realize that if we are to survive in this new life we must be honest with ourselves. If we are going to stop playing games, replaying “old tapes” as my Mom would say, we have to be authentic. In order to be authentic we have to admit our errors, find their roots and forgive ourselves for ways we have behaved that were not in line with our Ideal Selves.

It is so much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. We tend to hold ourselves to a higher standard, to which my therapist would have said “what makes you so much better than anyone else?”

There were times I hated that woman, and I myself wouldn’t use quite such a harsh presentation of the facts, but in retrospect she was right. We are who we are, no better, no worse than any other human being (at least in potential) and as we stumble along this journey that is life a little humility and self-acceptance can go a long way. Once we have reached this point we are free and secure enough to offer genuine help and support to others with out losing ourselves in the process.

© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Ramblers, Rebels and Rogues

I have spent many years of my life in opposition and I rather like the role.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Hello My Rebellious Queens,
I have had the opportunity to chuckle at myself a bit since yesterday. forgetting a blog post, horrors! Yet on the other hand when I decided to make this a daily commitment, a routine with an actual schedule; I did it knowing i was challenging myself stretching my limbs a little farther.
I'm not always, um, shall we say, focused? or organized? or consistent? at least I haven't been in the past. But in the now, i really do want to commit myself to a consistent effort, a solid path stone by stone set before me as I travel. Don't ask me where I travel, one commitment at a time, please. I see it like this, some of us tender the hearth, build the home, and nurture the garden. these are the people who go to the office, get to work promptly on time day by day. They have savings accounts and good credit and lead fairly predictable lives. They keep the wheels of enterprise going and they are ok with that. And so am I; I'm happy to know that my garbage will be picked up on Tuesday and that my utilities will work when I turn on a switch and such comforts as we are accustomed. Our society relies on the consistency and reliability of the hearth keepers to function.
our culture uses them as a Blueprint for "normalcy". They exemplify the way we "should be". we are promised rewards like all inclusive vacations and funparks and new cars for low, low financing, as long as we tend the hearth. Then there are the rest of us, the Ramblers, Rebels and, rogues. we are the dreamers, the ones who can't seem to pay attention to the power point presentation and who don't wear the latest designer clothing.. What we do is create, innovate and motivate. We are the Women with the Past, because no true rambler doesn't run into some trouble on her journey. We are the rebels because we listen to our heart, not just our head and we aren't afraid to speak up when something doesn't feel right. We know we have to take action because, most likely, we learned the hard way that if we don't speak up, if we try to fit in a place that does not align with our nature, we will suffer. our spirit will shrinks and wither, leaving us vulnerable to the desire for escape in the form of drugs or alcohol or to illusion of acceptance in a relationship that may not be healthy or of becoming shrouded in the depths of our own depression and isolation..
Some of us have had more encouragement and freedom to live by the call of our inner voice than others.. Some of us have had to discover it later in life, and some of us are just awakening to the knowledge.
Where ever we are in our travels, we must remember that we do have our place in society. If it weren't for those of us who question authority, who go against the grain, there would never be progress, change or, I believe, true freedom..
What "rules" have you challenged? How did it change you or your perception of you?

© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Following Nature's Lead; How's the weather Up There?

Hello Fellow wanderers and wise women

I hope everyone had a pleasant weekend, we have a new moon this weekend which I always welcome as a beginning, a chance to organize, plan and if needed, make changes or adjustments. One thing I have learned over the years is that self assessment and reflection are vital to my own well being. It probably doesn't hurt the well being of those who live with my eccentric nature on a daily basis either. this practice is complimentary to my thoughts on changing seasons and the cycles of nature that I referred to in an earlier post. if we relate to the environment around us it can serve as a guide and prompt us to be respectful and responsive to our own cycles and process. what a beautiful way to monitor one's own inner self and daily routine. The wild windy storm that pelted us with huge hailstones seemed fitting for the frustration and anger than many of us have been feeling with current events. for me storms are exciting, exhilarating and expressive of intense emotion. today is rather dark and gloomy, a day that could prompt quiet time and reflection, much as we ourselves will do once our anger has been spent.
Most recently i have been trying to stay afloat and in balance between the interests, passions and responsibilities of my life. I have been almost obsessive in following politics and attempting to inform, motivate and organize in whatever way i can. This involves a substantial amount of reading, discussion and fact finding. the only cause i will fight for unquestioningly is social justice. the path to this goal is not always easily negotiated as i sift through the volumes of claims, opinions, commentary and the sometimes ego driven motives of others. there are individuals who will vehemently defend the actions of their political party or particular candidate without taking the time to look within themselves and feel if they are truly comfortable with the plan, policy or action. they hurl hailstones at one moment then hop right into the next sunny day without taking that foggy, cloudy quiet day in between to reflect and restore.
i myself have been troubled by some decisions that have been made in president obama's term. i voted for him, i still believe he wants to do the right thing for our country and our future but at the same time i am willing to call out my own candidate on issues where i disagree. remember a while back when i wrote about not taking oneself too seriously; about true humility and maturity? i believe that the ability to draw our own conclusions rather than blindly following a party line or ideology is the fruit that is born of that self awareness there is great comfort in being true to one's own values and there is great power in challenging the decisions of others who may have promised us one thing and delivered something entirely different. we do not all have to agree, but i believe that if we are true to our inner values and respect ourselves, we will be more inclined to take the time to question situations that don't feel right. and because we are "walking our talk" we will not be afraid to stand up for our beliefs in a way that is respectful without being self compromising. how do you handle disagreement or conflict? how do you react "after the storm"? how's the weather in your soul today?
peace,
jenny
© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

It is what it is, and that's all that it is.

I don't know if it's the Ribavirin making me  crabby or what (there is such a thing known as 'riba rage') but I've recently become irritated at phrases like 'Healing Journey" or "Self-Discovery". But wait you say, isn't that what this blog is all about, Jenny? Well, yes, and no.
First of all as I've contemplated Life, and Misfortune, and Happiness and Growth and All That We Are it has struck me that many of the phrases we use imply some sort of ending to the process. Some sort of goal...to be, what Healed ? Then what? What does that even look like? And worse yet are we selling our selves short by not being at some point of healing that we think we should be.
Part of this problem has to do with linear thinking. We are not to blame for that, it's the way we've been raised in our culture to perceive time, and movement and growth. Fact is, we really don't understand much about any of those things. I'm no expert on quantum physics, it fascinates me but makes my brain hurt, but I'm pretty sure the "way of the Universe" is not linear. And neither are our lives. I've talked before about healing happening in layers and stages, but that still implies some sort of final destination, to some kind of core truth. Maybe that's enlightenment. But I'm not so sure even Enlightenment happens all at once, unless perhaps when we die.
I've mentioned before that I'm somewhat changing my tone, my approach, to this blog and my goals in general. It's been almost a year since I've been out of work, out of the field of "Helping" with their strict definitions of  "what works", what "sucess" looks like, and what it doesn't and their quest for "Evidence Based Practices".  When I reflect on my original goal, it is to bring a little more Real Life into the services and systems that are designed to help people. One of the finest Therapists I ever worked with used to say "it is what it is" any time a client would lament her situation, especially if she were condemning herself. So yeah it is what it is, if it's "progress" ie learning to make healthier choices for ourselves, or choices that are more in sync with what we believe in and value. If it's making a mistake, even though we've made the same mistake before. It all part of the process of life.
So for my own self respect, and contribution to my creative abilities, I am going to throw out the psychobabble, I'm going to tell it like it is. I might even swear, damnit,
As the Great Journalist/Commentator Walter Cronkite concluded his evening broadcast, "And that's the way it is"

© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

I saw this quote this morning and felt it spoke to my thoughts in this post :)  Thank you, Julia and Wayne!
Julia von Flotow Via Wayne McGuire - "The Universe has no edge and the centre is everywhere."

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend!