Long term effects of abuse finally getting attention

Domestic violence victims have higher health costs for years after abuse ends
Victims of domestic violence endure significantly higher health costs than other women for three years after the abuse ends, a new study finds.

Well Duh, right? But seriously click on the link to read article, I'm looking for more statistics and stories about the long term effects of abuse. This was part of my original mission for creating this blog because it is a painfully overlooked area in Domestic Violence treatment and research.
Peace,
Jenny








© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Authenticity

Authenticity is a concept that I was introduced to when I was in treatment for alcohol abuse. Each morning the residents and house manager would start the day with the reading of at least one daily affirmation. The topic of authenticity was a common element in many of the affirmations, especially those intended for women. Maybe we lose ourselves in the midst of an abusive, controlling relationship, or in our addiction, or other self defeating behaviors. Or maybe we never developed a strong sense of identity and appreciation for ourselves in the first place and that itself made us vulnerable to abuse, addiction and other dangerous lifestyles. Regardless of what came first the chicken or the egg, one of the great things about residential treatment is that you learn or rediscover who you really are. You are separated from your family, friends, job, social life and most of your personal belongings. All of the external "things" we use to define ourselves are stripped away. You live in a house full of strangers who know nothing of your history except that you share the common bond of addiction, and now you don't even have that "identity" to fall back on. This is a frightening experience for most of us. But once the initial fear, anger and powerlessness wears off, we are left with the rather exciting opportunity to look within and remember who we are at our most inner core of our being. We are also able to pick and choose which of those traits we wish to develop, nurture and refine. And, wonder of all wonders, we are free to decide what characteristics, habits, traits and interests we want to introduce into our lives. It's like the terrible twos or adolescence all over again. We try on new roles and some of them don't fit, we rebel against change and rules, we struggle with self identity and self esteem. Most of us don't make it the first time through treatment. Finding our authentic self is too much work, too scary, too filled with uncertainty fear of failure,and worst of all fear of not being accepted for who we are. so we go back to what we know, an abusive relationship, the bottle, the pipe, the needle, whatever it was that we thought defined us. My aoda counselor once said to me, treatment will ruin any future relapse for you. As usual she was right. Once I had the glimpse of who I could be, who I wanted to be, that other life revealed itself for what it really was, a cheap gaudy mask designed to hide me from not only the rest of the world but from myself as well. So on my second bout of treatment, I was a little more receptive, a little less rebellious and a lot more willing to reclaim Jenny, whoever she was. I knew she was in there and I knew I could resurrect her. It has been a long journey, but within the last couple of years I finally feel I know me, my authentic self. Ever since that relationship with me has developed life has changed drastically for the better. Lucille Ball once said "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line". The love you find is well worth the discomfort of stripping away the masks and delusions we create in order to avoid being authentic.

Valentine's Day

Valentines Day kind of snuck up on me this year. Even though I had been crafting decorations with my granddaughters and sat with them as they filled out the little hearts for their school mates (no doubt to be deposited in little hand decorated lunch bags taped to the front of their desks)I have always enjoyed Valentines Day, for as long as I can remember. Maybe partly because it precedes my birthday by three days. Maybe because I also love hearts and flowers and especially chocolate! Something significant occurred this year. This year was different. It's not the first year I've been single, I mean really single not even dating, on Valentine's Day but I think it's the first year I didn't mind my single status. Romantic holidays tend to make us pine for love, partnership, and thanks to advertising symbolic (i.e. purchased)demonstrations of that love. I've realized that it's not about the expectations of the day that have changed for me. Instead it's the fact that I am actually content to be single. I no longer believe that I need a man to be happy or complete. Referring back to my last entry this was the grandaddy of all beliefs that needed to become internalized. Believe me it took a long time, a lot of soul searching, meditation, counseling and, very importantly, practicing the kinds of exercises I suggested in my last post. One of my favorite is to be my own Valentine. I'll buy myself flowers or perfume or something I really want, something that is a bit of a luxury and makes me feel special. Another tactic that has helped is to focus on Valentine's Day as a day to express love..all kinds of love. Friendship love, family love, love for your pets. Helping a child make a lunch bag mailbox. And don't forget love for yourself. Happy Valentine's Day to all! Peace and Love, Nanakoosa

Internalizing our healing

In our healing process we hear lots of beautiful, positive self affirming messages. "You deserve to be happy" or "It wasn't your fault" and the list goes on. I can't tell you many times I've heard women in their healing process say..."I get the concept intellectually, but I don't really believe it in my heart". Believe me I have struggled with this myself! Over the years of participating in my own healing process and those of others I've come to this conclusion: none of this will really "sink in" to our hearts until we form a loving, respectful and healthy relationship with ourselves. Now we are told, and know intellectually at least, that to form healthy loving relationships with others, we must take time to get to really know them. Well guess what? The same is true for ourselves. How many of us truly know and appreciate who we are? Especially after years of co-dependence, addiction, being who someone else wanted us to be so they wouldn't hurt us. These roles, forged in desperation and need for survival are deeply embedded in our psyche. It wasn't until years after being freed from my abuser and free of alcohol that I found myself "stuck", wondering why I still wasn't happy. With the help of my wonderful therapist I realized that I didn't know how to be happy because I didn't know what I needed to be happy....because I didn't really know ME. So how do we get to know ourselves? Here are a few tips that have worked for myself and my clients: Think back to when you were little. What did you want to be when you grew up? What books or movies did you like? What games did you play? What music moved you? Now go ahead and find a copy of that book (mine was Little House on the Prairie) read it. Remember how it made you feel? What about the book inspired you? You will be surprised at what you find, I promise. Draw pictures, make art without judging the content. A wise man once said "everyone can draw, we all have our own style" don't try to copy someones style, just be YOU. Keep a journal. This is one the most helpful tools I know of. If you've kept journals over the years look back at them. Maybe it was the one place you felt safe enough to be authentic. When you go shopping look at those items you always wanted. but "couldn't afford" or didn't feel you deserved. Make a point of treating yourself to one of these items. If it is out of your budget range ask for someone to buy it for your birthday or mother's day. Also resale shops can have some great bargains on items that you may want. Go ahead and make a "wish list" this step alone validates your desires, your style, your unique taste in clothing, furniture, whatever. Pay attention to your dreams as you embark on this process of self discovery. Dreams hold many answers if we pay attention. It helps to keep a dream journal because oftentimes the messages don't immediately make sense, but become startlingly clear at a later time. Finally, I know this sounds cheesy and may feel uncomfortable at first, but go ahead and tell yourself "I love you...." Be sure you say your name. You can add other affirmations as well. (More on affirmations coming soon!) If you try these steps you will find that there is an authentic YOU inside and you will begin to know, enjoy and who knows, maybe even fall in love!