My Blog Motto

"Good judgement comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgement"

~Rita Mae Brown

Showing posts with label authentic self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label authentic self. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Guest Blogger Eva Day!!!!!!!

 Hello Everyone,
I hope you enjoy this beautifully written and very moving post by Eva Day, Wise Woman Extrodinaire!!!!

Kicking Up The Dust.
Dear Jenny and  female friends.
Jenny is in a phase just now of giving extra focus to political issues in the world around her and the effects of the decisions and oblivion of the "big players" on the lives of ordinary folk and women in the every day world.  I see the care and the commitment in that, from Jenny, and recognise of course that the personal is political and the political is personal.....   we are all part of the world being shaped every day
When I first came across Jenny's blog and a place for "women with a past"," the concept resonated with me immediately.  I imagined wearing my past with pride, like a cloak, perhaps a battered, frayed or somewhat stained one, but well woven and sturdy and richly coloured......   a cloak that trails out behind me, sweeping the dust of the ground as I walk forward, into the future and  - the wisdom of a more mature woman.  Hah!!  But, yes, I do feel after much journeying I know a little, just a little about life, even when paradoxically, it becomes ever more mysterious and perplexing.  And  yes, let's have confidence that we will walk forward boldly into some way of living and being which is forged from wisdom - as well as the good humour and the grace to realise we will also occasionally stumble into wisdom and foolishness too, or be met by it!
Women with a past certainly will stir up an amount of dust as they walk - they do not tread lightly or quietly ,as our foremothers were too often exorted or trained to do, though they may well know how to do so when the circumstances require.  Warrior women can move through the darkness or through difficult terrain with stealth if instinct guides them.... But can also walk like queens, proud and certain when they have heart for their journey.  And the dust?  Well amongst those foremothers told to tread modestly, there have always been those who could not and would not, and they are companions to me.  The dust feels like a pleasing image to me, as what better reminds us of the truth that from the earth we come and to the earth our bodies will return, in one form or another..   ashes to ashes, dust to dust - I can't think of a patriarchal reference that is more female in its symbolism.  Perhaps a little of the dust we raise on our journeys will settle  on the cloaks of other travellers along the way, will blow gently into towns and villages we pass through, will be the form and substance from which daughters, and sons, too, make solid forms: our homes, our pots, our messes, our works of art, the shapes of our lives.   We have touched others, and been touched by them, some of our substance and essence is expressed in their lives of others, just as their lives nourish - or deplete - ours.
When I sense my own past, tune into it with the feeling and instinctive nature, rather than remember specific events and incidents or analyse from a rational sequential viewpoint - then I am in the land of myth and metaphor.  I remember in my bones, and in soul mood... there were hopes and impulses and sudden passionate drives and urges.  There was an absolute will to live, to thrive, to explore, to taste life and to break the rules.  Sometimes because the rules forbade me to do something that called to me more powerful than any social constraints, and sometimes just because the rules needed breaking. Often I was a damned perverse - girl, young woman, slightly older woman who "ought to know better."  And I think I still am all those things and more.........   I have been a daughter  - of two mothers, in my life - and like many reading this am a mother, too.  Like all of us, my past is personal. The particular place I was born, the events that unfolded beyond that, what was done to me and what I did - to life, to myself and others.  Active, passive, many different rhythms.  Never passive for long though, in the rhythm of the passing seasons and years... .. often difficult, hopefully also tender and kind enough to have made somebody's day gentler and more whole from time to time, creative in a playful spirit, destructive at times when wounded, cornered, angry....   Though destruction, too, can be a death and a rebirth, a space for a renewal or new directions. 

Footprints.  That's another picture that comes to my mind's eye.  My footprints, your footprints, and those of the women who walked before us and will come after...  And yes, again, I mention sons too, still believing in a world where boys too, as well as girls,  can be allowed to truly respect their mothers and grandmothers and learn from them - and teach them to.  (If I were a grandma, I'd be quite willing to learn to suck eggs!)  Footprints, also seem somehow a particularly masculine image in our culture.  We tread in the footprints of strong, bold males, in stories and films, don't we?  I would like to feel that our footprints can be trusted  .....  
From one perspective, you may think that I've told you really - nothing - about my own challenges and triumphs - the details - as a woman with a past.  In another sense, I hope you feel I have.  And that you might be like another beautiful piece of fabric or wonderful embroidery on my patchwork cloak..... and I on yours.
Good travelling to all, and my wishes to you for good health, good living and good humour. xx eva
(article for International Women's Day is my latest post.)


Image courtesy of
popularchildrenstories.com
© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Getting to know you...(Me)

I hope anyone has had time to look over and consider the practices for familiarizing ourselves with our emotions. It's not something that can be done in a finite amount of time, and I don't know if we ever reach the "finish line'. Rather it's an ongoing process, just like developing any other relationship. I believe it is well worth the effort, essential really, if we are to truly become the best and brightest we can be. In this process, we become an inspiration, source of support and a good friend to others. It's amazing how once we stop trying to live up to the standards of others and refuse to allow them to dictate how we should feel, think and act, we begin to attract people into our lives who respect and love us for who we are. After all if we don't know ourselves, if we become social chameleons, how can we expect anyone to get close? It's ironic that we wear these masks; we take on these roles that don't fit all because we want other people to like us. Somehow we got the idea, the fear, that if people knew who we really are, they would run screaming in the other direction. And why do we have this idea? Because we are not so sure WE like ourselves, therefore why would anyone else?
After becoming more familiar and hopefully comfortable with our feelings, we can start to take stock of what things elicit certain feelings. Part of that is looking at what makes us happy. It may be the simplest thing, like seeing a snowflake up close, tending to a garden. It may be that we have favorite books, movies or music that speaks to something deep inside in a way no one else can. Sometimes it helps to remember your childhood dreams, fantasies and favorite activities. By rediscovering the things that capture our interest and that bring us joy, we begin to remember who we are.
Anyone who has been through a controlling relationship, drug/alcohol abuse or has endured deep depression knows the loneliness and grief at losing one’s self. It's like having had a friend once and now she's gone. 
The good news is, a true friendship always holds a spark that with proper tending can be rekindled to a flame that will guide us out of the darkness.
Rekindle that flame. Indulge yourself in something that brings you joy. You may be surprised at what a good friend you make.
Peace,
Nana

© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Self by Definition


self 


noun, plural selves, adjective, pronoun, plural selves, verb
–noun
1.a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality: one's own self.
2.a person's nature, character, etc.: his better self.
3.personal interest.
4.Philosophy .
a .the ego; that which knows, remembers, desires, suffers, etc., as contrasted with that known, remembered, etc.
b. the uniting principle, as a soul, underlying all subjective experience.

In recent days I've been making a solid effort to keep myself moving in a positive direction. I had a bad couple of days last weekend and found myself slipping into old attitudes and thought patterns that are no longer comfortable. Like a pair of damn stilettos, sharp, spiky and binding. I needed to put those shoes on, just for a bit, and to be angry, just for a bit. There were valid reasons for my anger, and many of them beyond my direct control.
Anger gets a bad rap in our society. Just as money itself is not the root of all evil, but greed for money that causes all the problems; anger is not a "bad" emotion. It's what we choose to do with anger that becomes a problem. It's the belief that we attach to the feeling that gets us all wound up. The biggest troublemaker is the belief that anger is "bad"..."don't be angry" "stop pouting", "Be Nice". The vast majority of us have had those words tossed at us, sometimes gently sometimes harshly, since we first learned to crawl around and assert our will. Is it any wonder that we will do just about anything to avoid it. We will drink ourselves into a stupor, stuff our faces with food, ingest drugs and chemicals and don't forget sex and rock and roll and compulsive shopping and get on that hamster wheel and keep running. Keep running and it won't catch you.
But it does. Our emotions always win in the end. They are not going to let us off the hook, no matter how hard we may try. So why does our culture tell us not to feel?
I guess if I knew the answer to that I'd be writing a Doctoral Thesis. I do know a few things about feelings, a few insights I've picked up along the way in my endless observations and analysis of Human Behaviour.
First off, we are lazy. We like things to be easy. We like simple answers, solid evidence based solutions, and we want them to work quickly. Personally, I see this as kind of cheating in the game of life. Sitting on the sidelines pretending to have your period. Fact is, feelings are messy and complicated and they get in the way and mess up and complicate our "self directed" lives. And God forbid, sorting out feelings takes TIME!
Another thing it takes is Honesty, and we aren't so good at that either. Especially not with ourselves. We lie to ourselves more than we lie to anyone else, we're so good at it most of the time we don't even know we're lying! We are amazing creatures!
One last thing we need to do in order to know our emotions is feel Pain. ouch! You don't have to watch more than an hour of television to know how much we hate pain. The alleviation of pain and worry is a multi-billion dollar industry that sells us happiness in a pill.
But wait, didn't we learn in school that drugs are BAD? Hmmm this leaves us in quite a conundrum. Apparently drugs are only bad if you buy them from someone who is not authorized and licensed to sell them to you. And by all means don't even think about growing your own drugs in that back garden.
So let's summarize...don't be angry, drugs are bad, anger is bad, take some drugs so you don't feel angry. Oh and if you do decide to be some whacked out Hippie nut-job who wants to explore your feelings...don't expect insurance to cover it. It costs far too much money to spend all that time getting messy.
Now I propose that we replace the last set of assumptions with a new one.
Feelings, including anger, are a natural part of being human. They are our bodies way of communicating with us. If we don't listen to the voice of emotions how do we really know what's going on? Especially given that we are so good a deceiving ourselves with our brains.
Once we accept that our feelings, even the "bad" ones are really our friends trying to tell us something, we can stop running away with our hands over our ears screaming..."lalalalaaaaa I can't hear you" when really what were are saying is "Go away! You scare me!"
Once we stop all that nonsense, we can LISTEN without judgement, without defending our Ego, to what those feelings are trying to tell us. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while (remember time is a factor?) Be patient and listen. Do some art work, or write some words, give your feelings a name, a persona a character. Get to know that person and ask her what she needs. Trust me, this CAN be fun, although it probably won't be painless. You will survive the pain, I promise, you have survived the pain of repressing those feeling, of denying your true self (remember, we lie to ourselves). You wouldn't want to lie to someone you love, right? And you certainly wouldn't want someone you love to lie to you...so what are you doing lying to yourself?
Ha, look what's happening, you are beginning to develop a relationship with your Self! Go slow, don't worry if it's awkward at first. Take your time, be honest and get messy!
Next time: Taking your relationship to the next level (no not that, silly!)
Peace,
Nana


© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard
Definition of "self" courtesy of www.dictionary.com

Thursday, September 9, 2010

My life on film, er, pixels

the Tat, wish #2

A couple of years back when my last boyfriend/ man friend and I separated due to "creative differences" he got custody of the "good camera". By "good" I mean, not disposable, and it isn't pink with Hello Kitty emblazoned all over it. When I got my tax return last year my tax guy (like I have 'people', lol) pretty much told me that this was the last year I was going to rake it in on all the deductions my single Mom status with a low paying job and excessive student loans had previously bestowed upon me once a year. I figured I'd better make this last run a good one. I did take care of some debt and other responsibilities, gave my kids spending money and bought my Granddaughters some clothes, but I had promised myself this time I was granting 3 of my own wishes..and lo and behold I did.
My 3 wishes were: a new laptop, a new tattoo and a "good" camera. The laptop has been well worth the investment.  I am able to sit in privacy and write, email, blog or check in on facebook gossip. The tattoo is pretty badass and represents my courage as a survivor. The camera has just been plain fun. It's one of those cute little colorful things that we see Ashton Kucher gliding around cocktail parties sneaking pics of attractive young women who pretend not to notice. So logically since this pretty boy can use it successfully, so can I. Well I can now after some trial and error (heavy on  the error side) and after actually resorting to reading an instruction or two. So now my latest project, or addition to my ongoing project of telling my story, recording my life as a Middle Aged, Unemployed, Hep C infected, recovering alcoholic, Master's Degree having dedicated Advocate, mother of 3, grandmother of 2, rescuer of stray animals trying to survive on a meager Social Security Disability at least until I can create some additional income, is to photo document  some of the days in my life.
 I just started today, officially on my bus ride to the bank, the grocery store and back home; a trip that with a car would've taken about an hour at most, but took close to 3 hours. But not to worry I promise it's not going to be some 21st Century version of 'Christmas in Appalachia". On the contrary I've been spotting sights that if I were clipping down the street at 35 or 40 mph I would never have noticed. The project is new and in the works and I haven't decided what, if anything, to do with it. I will probably include a pic or two with captions on my blog just to try it out, get some feedback and probably have some laughs, just as soon as I find that battery charger.
Peace,
Nanakoosa
© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The ride that is my life



“Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.” Rita Mae Brown

This is one of absolute favorite quotes and I have decided it should be the motto for this page. As I've been blogging , reading other blogs and getting to know the online world of survivors, I've also been discovering my own style. When I refer to my "style" I mean not only my blogger style, but my personal style. I am indeed in a phase of reinventing myself and creating the future I want. Two years ago, I completed my Masters Degree in Community Counseling beaming with pride and grand plans for my future as a Therapist. First a family tragedy threw me for a loop; my adult daughter was nearly killed by her ex-boyfriend and spent close to three months in the hospital recovering. Then there was the trial, the postponements, the hearings. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and re traumatized. I was looking for work in my field and not finding it. My money was running out. I ended up taking a job that, although fulfilling in many ways, was not a Masters level position. Within months I began to get sick. I was achy and exhausted all the time. I was forgetful and spacey. I thought at first that it was the stress and depression of the past year, and it probably was to a certain extent, but I also discovered that my Hepatitis C was progressing. To shorten the story I lost my job, my performance was suffering due to my illness, and ended up deciding to apply for disability and begin the treatment for Hep C. Life has a funny way of letting you know it has plans other than your own. So here I am on Disability, writing, hanging out with my dogs and my grandchildren, putting in my garden and except for the nasty side effects of the treatment, leading a pretty contented life. And I have decided that there are other, perhaps better, ways to help others than meeting with them for 50 minutes in a Mental Health Clinic. So, my always evolving blog will continue to reflect both my experimentation with technology, and my experimentation with my identity.I have also started a second blog http://jennysliver.blogspot.com/ to record my experiences with this disease and the treatment.The Beauty of being an "older woman with a past" is that you have lots of material with which to recreate yourself in the second half of life. I hope some of you will stay along for the ride! Peace, Nanakoosa
© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Authenticity part 2

Authenticity part 2 The topic of authenticity seems to be cropping up all over the place. Granted I do a lot of reading and research on areas where authenticity would be likely to be a frequent topic and a desirable goal. For many of us in those circles, it’s not a novel idea. I am noticing, however, that the concept seems to be making its appearance in the collective consciousness; as things tend to do when their time is due-when humanity needs them and is ready to accept them. I’m not certain why the “divine timing’ but I can think of several good arguments for the development and nurturance of authentic living. If we are authentic true to ourselves and our inner being, our values become clear; we begin to realize and prioritize what it is that really matter to us. As our true “heart’s desire” becomes clearer we are less inclined to be persuaded by others that may attempt to manipulate us, convincing us that they know what’s best for us. I can’t help but relate this to the “economic crisis” and the role of advertising and the American trends of consumerism. When we don’t know who we are, what we really value, it’s easy to look outside ourselves to fill the emptiness of uncertainty and doubt we harbor. We are at risk of filling the void with seemingly easy, quick fixes; drugs, alcohol, spending beyond our means. Our country’s current economic problems are the result of both individuals reaching beyond their means to acquire things, belongings, vacations, homes, etc that they believed they needed and the greed and lack of morality of those who were willing to capitalize on those “needs”. A friend and I recently discussed the gift of having been raised in a household with limited income. You learned what was essential and what luxury was. You learned that people are more important than things. You learned how to entertain yourself and have fun with whatever you had available to you. My kids remember very few of their Christmas or Birthday presents. One of their most fond holiday memories is in creating a house from a large cardboard box that a Fischer price playset was packaged in. They kept that box house for months. They drew on it. They taped up curtains from old fabric scraps, cut out windows and even a mail slot and played for hours creating a world of pretend around their “home” I’m not implying that poverty is essential to the discovery of one’s authenticity, but I believe there is a connection between living simply and living authentically. Given our current times with not only the financial problems our country has faced, but the increasingly obvious need to create sustainable sources of energy and food, the real need for community and cooperation, it makes sense that there is a mass appeal for authenticity. If we are to create strong communities, work cooperatively and be open to lifestyle change, it is important that we have a sound foundation of self understanding and self respect. Once we have achieved this foundation, we are less threatened by change, by sacrifice and by new ideas and world views. As individuals we are all part of the larger community of humankind, links in a chain, with the strengthening of each link the chain becomes stronger, more flexible and more functional. May your authentic self thrive as a strong link in our healing community.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Authenticity

Authenticity is a concept that I was introduced to when I was in treatment for alcohol abuse. Each morning the residents and house manager would start the day with the reading of at least one daily affirmation. The topic of authenticity was a common element in many of the affirmations, especially those intended for women. Maybe we lose ourselves in the midst of an abusive, controlling relationship, or in our addiction, or other self defeating behaviors. Or maybe we never developed a strong sense of identity and appreciation for ourselves in the first place and that itself made us vulnerable to abuse, addiction and other dangerous lifestyles. Regardless of what came first the chicken or the egg, one of the great things about residential treatment is that you learn or rediscover who you really are. You are separated from your family, friends, job, social life and most of your personal belongings. All of the external "things" we use to define ourselves are stripped away. You live in a house full of strangers who know nothing of your history except that you share the common bond of addiction, and now you don't even have that "identity" to fall back on. This is a frightening experience for most of us. But once the initial fear, anger and powerlessness wears off, we are left with the rather exciting opportunity to look within and remember who we are at our most inner core of our being. We are also able to pick and choose which of those traits we wish to develop, nurture and refine. And, wonder of all wonders, we are free to decide what characteristics, habits, traits and interests we want to introduce into our lives. It's like the terrible twos or adolescence all over again. We try on new roles and some of them don't fit, we rebel against change and rules, we struggle with self identity and self esteem. Most of us don't make it the first time through treatment. Finding our authentic self is too much work, too scary, too filled with uncertainty fear of failure,and worst of all fear of not being accepted for who we are. so we go back to what we know, an abusive relationship, the bottle, the pipe, the needle, whatever it was that we thought defined us. My aoda counselor once said to me, treatment will ruin any future relapse for you. As usual she was right. Once I had the glimpse of who I could be, who I wanted to be, that other life revealed itself for what it really was, a cheap gaudy mask designed to hide me from not only the rest of the world but from myself as well. So on my second bout of treatment, I was a little more receptive, a little less rebellious and a lot more willing to reclaim Jenny, whoever she was. I knew she was in there and I knew I could resurrect her. It has been a long journey, but within the last couple of years I finally feel I know me, my authentic self. Ever since that relationship with me has developed life has changed drastically for the better. Lucille Ball once said "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line". The love you find is well worth the discomfort of stripping away the masks and delusions we create in order to avoid being authentic.