Long ass winter

Yes it has been,  literally and figuratively.  I opened my blogger account for the first time in over a month and there are a half dozen unfinished drafts.
This winter has sapped me of my soul I swear.
It's really rather unpleasant to have the experience of going outdoors become physically and emotionally painful.
I don't know what my issue is but I've been labeled as depressed, chronically fatigued and a few other trendy diagnoses. All I know is that there are periods of time when I have no energy and no motivation.  It's not as though I'm particularly unhappy at these times,  I'm just not that into doing much. And that's the average day. On the bad days my body resists any plans my brain might consider. It doesn't just resist, it aches, it refuses, it calls a general strike.
It is in winter that I feel like a bear, I just want to eat a lot of fat and sleep.
I'm waking up and emerging from hibernation now and feeling my creativity re emerging as well,  and not a moment to soon, I was beginning to bore myself.
Happy Spring and to those of us in the southern hemisphere, Happy Autumn!

Peace

Life With Family

  The Universe or fate or whatever you want to call it has a funny way of taking the reins whenever I make plans. I'm not much of a planner; setting goals isn't something I normally do on my own. One could argue that more practice on my part might subdue the universes hi jinks, but that's my old school superstition talking, I think. Anyway, I recently came to a point where I realized I really need to do something to rectify my unstable financial status. I came up with a few ideas, plans to pay off some debt a little at a time, with the ultimate goal of bringing my bank account current so I can apply for some credit.
I was rather pleased with myself and my new-found sense of adult responsibility. I began to believe those positive affirmations we all hear ad nauseum. I am responsible, I am capable, I am lovable. A regular Stuart Smalley, oh yes.
My sunshiny radiance was short lived. The first sign of impending gloom came within 24 hours when my internet got suspended. I had paid the bill but failed to notice the 15 dollar a month rate increase. It helps to read your bills before you pay them I guess. Then no sooner than I had completed my indignant call to the internet provider I received a call from the electric company. It's that time of year where the moratorium on shut offs begins so they are out to settle up as many accounts as possible. I usually carry some balance until energy assistance comes through, but due to the brief but disruptive hissy fit in Congress such programs were put on hold for two weeks.
 I couldn't help but feel just a little demoralized. All of  a sudden I was in the midst of that gnawing feeling that no matter how well intentioned my plans I was doomed to struggle every day to keep my head above water. Not to mention the thought that if there were some sort of emergency I'd be screwed. Living on the edge wears away at you a little at a time like the proverbial drop of water on the stone. In addition to my often uphill battle with money I carry on in an equally challenging war with depression. Its always lurking just around the corner and financial worry feeds that beast very well.
Depression peeked it's head around the corner and began whispering it's usual litany of condemnation.
I am an adult, I should not only be able to support myself but should be able to help my adult children out if they need it too. But where do all these shoulds that Depression is so fond of come from? Who writes your script Mr Blusey Buzzkill?
For one thing they come from a different era. A time when jobs were plentiful and food was affordable. They also come from a culture that puts a somewhat narcissistic value on independence and individuality. John Wayne type stuff. The American way, ghosts of a culture that no longer exists. It's the privileged middle class white culture  (a thing of the past for most of us) that says every nuclear family has their own home and every individual has their own bedroom equipped with a tv, game system and whatever else they 'need'.  One thing my daughter learned by dating outside of her ethnicity is that many people commonly live with relatives. Nursing homes are a last resort and even daycare for children is provided by live in family. For those who have struggled family has been the glue that held them together, financially and emotionally. This same daughter, lives right across the street from me had an experience similar to mine, well laid plans for security that unexpectedly washed away from right under her feet. As we lamented our 'family curse' over coffee the inevitable and logical conclusion became clear. Her apartment is big enough for another person and if each of us cut our rent in half we could be left with some money after paying the pipers. We spend much of each day together anyway and I am my granddaughter's homework helper. We made the decision that I would move in with her. Or as she reassured me, we would move in together.
I'll admit I went through a couple of days of feeling defeated, feeling I had somehow screwed up my life as the whispers of impending depression continued to swirl around my head like gnats, persistent but useless. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that despite some mistakes I've made in the past, I really have done my best to stay respectfully afloat during the past few years of unemployment. Once that sense of shame faded I was able to see the benefits and joys of being a real part of a family again. All the things like meals together, story time at bedtime, move nights and even the chaos of disagreements are the fabric of family life and I have missed that these past few years. Empty nest is real folks, and for those who can afford to travel or develop exciting hobbies and interests maybe it doesn't feel quite so lonely, but I'm not one of those people right now. Having half the financial burden I've been carrying might allow me to enjoy some of those middle age benefits and I get to have the family part too. Best of both worlds.
So here I go into the next chapter, not a step back but forward and I am able to welcome  it with expectation and open arms.
Wish me luck.














© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Many Moons, Many Moods

I've gone a bit of time without posting here...there are times I feel I have so much to say and other times that are more reflective. The ebb and flow of life plays itself out in my moods like the phases of the moon, sometimes outspoken and shining, sometimes withdrawing into the smallest crescent hiding in the dark. But don't let the common association of the word dark with something dreadful or foreboding. The dark places are silent and peaceful, in the darkness we look within as we cannot see outward. I often follow the phases of the moon as a guide to setting my intentions as where to focus my energies, building and creating as she waxes, thinking, processing and resting as she wanes. I listen to my own inner rhythms as well. Sometimes it is my mind that guides me, either bursting with chatter or sometimes resting, tending to listen rather than create output. Other times it's my body that speaks to me, filled with energy, needing to roam or to dance and at other times tired, achy, begging for rest and long sleepy nights filled with dreams. And then there's my spirit or intuition if you will, tugging at my gut with a message either active or passive, energetic or tranquil.

So far so good, right? Well lest you think I've got it all together, I will tell you there are times when each voice is carrying it's own tune and the mind, body and spirit are clashing in a strange cacophony of paradoxical impulses. These are the times I am "frozen", these are the times I need desperately to find a way to give all those voices a way to be heard, so their messages can be synthesized into some sort of coherent meaning.

A few years back when the discord was especially troublesome my doctor suggested a mild anti depressant/anti anxiety medication. I was going through pretty 'challenging' time, we will say, so I relented and figured I'd give it a try. The first couple of days were kind of euphoric, everything shone a little brighter, my energy level was high but not manic and I felt great. It was a bit like cocaine, without the dreadful crash. Naturally I thought 'hey I could get to like this'.

Over the next couple of days all the chatter in my head stopped, it just shut the hell up. It was a little strange, but liberating. You know what it's like to be incessantly nagged when there's no one else in the room?

Unfortunately that nice shiny euphoria faded after a few days, otherwise this stuff would have street value and would be frowned upon by the medical community. Too bad about all that. Everything kind of stabilized and I went on with my life, messy as it was at the time.

This is how anti-depressants are supposed to be used, unless of course you suffer from chronic and severe depression which makes you unable to function...(that's my disclaimer in case anyone decides to rail on me for causing someone to disregard medical advice). Once my life became more stable and after many hours, weeks, months of counseling, mediation, yoga, journaling and other self help routines I decided I missed my moods.

Here comes another quick disclaimer DO NOT STOP TAKING SSRIs COLD TURKEY. No, no, no. You will be convinced you are stark raving mad and unable to exist without them. But seriously, follow your doctors instructions for scaling down your dose and weaning yourself off them. Since they don't do anything fun once you've been taking them for a while, like inducing euphoria, this won't be difficult. Also make sure you've done something else, counseling, group therapy, mediation, clearing your environment of people who make you crazy, whatever you need to do to make your life belong to you and not to the internal and external influences that made you resort to medication in the first place.

I've been off my anti depressants for about 6 months now. I survived the loss of my Dad and a few other rough times all with my feelings intact. I feel things now. Of course it's not all happy fun time, but life is not about being happy all the time. Sometimes I indulge my sad days by withdrawing, shutting off the phone and drowning in sorrow. I find that if I let myself feel crappy the crappy feelings eventually pass. I also feel joy much more intensely than I did while on anti-depressants and I appreciate every moment of it that graces my day. When I was on the SSRIs my moods were more even keel but they were also blunted, muted and not quite organic feeling, if that makes sense. Emotions are, and should be, visceral and gritty. Emotions are the catalyst for action and creation. Emotions are what makes us who we are, dynamic changing beings. We are part of the Earth and are designed to live in sync with her cycles.

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Cabin Fever, or just plain SAD?

Do I LOOK like a Husky???

I don't know about you, and of course this will differ depending on what part of the planet you call home, but for me February is about the point in the year when the novelty of winter begins to wear off. We are all familiar with terms like Seasonal Depression and Cabin Fever, the latter which originated in the days when people lived much more in direct contact with the land and the seasons and were clearly at the mercy of mother natures "moods" and changes. As an avid fan of Laura Ingalls Wilder and the "Little House on the Prairie" series (the books!) I realized at a young age how fortunate we are in modern times to have certain luxuries that help us cope with freezing temperatures, snow and potential isolation. The fact that we have cars, or public transportation, indoor heat and plumbing and grocery stores where we can buy food from just about anywhere in the world without it having to be "in season" sometimes makes me wonder why we even have an actual diagnostic term for seasonal depression; SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder.
According to the Mayo Clinic:
*Symptoms of winter-onset seasonal affective disorder include:

• Depressed mood
• Irritability
• Hopelessness
• Anxiety
• Loss of energy
• Social withdrawal
• Oversleeping (feeling like you want to hibernate)
• Loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy
• Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates such as pastas, rice, bread and cereal
• Weight gain
• Difficulty concentrating and processing information
• Hmmm, well that all sounds familiar.
• The article also cites that a lack of exposure to sunlight may increase Melatonin, a hormone that is normally produced during sleep (nighttime hours) which may disrupt our mood and our sleep patterns.
• I'm thinking, based on intuitive deduction, not scientific evidence, that Human beings have done a pretty good job of adapting to our environments for hundreds of thousands of years, so why would we failed to adapt to lack of sunlight? In other words, I'm not completely buying this theory. Then again as someone who has experienced cyclical depression for most of my life, I may not be the most unbiased or accurate judge.
• I think part of our problem is we don't get out enough. We rush to our cars and once we  have reached our destination, we rush to get indoors. We act as if cold air is somehow terribly offensive and something to be avoided at all costs. Our traditional 'modern' lifestyles reinforce this behavior by having us work usually indoors during the few hours of actual daylight that we are able (in the northern parts) to experience. The typical 9 to 5 bankers hours pretty much covers that window of opportunity for exposure to sunlight.
• One of the perks to being unemployed is that I can get out and about during those precious hours of sunlight. Being "low income", unable to afford a car and sometimes even not having bus fare means that my primary mode of transportation is my own two feet. Additionally I do believe that people need a bit more sleep in the winter. maybe like many mammals we are meant to function in a semi-hibernation mode. Having a free schedule allows for naps, sleeping late and adjustments to normal sleep patterns.
• So what about the rest of the world, the ones who are lucky enough to have jobs, cars and a consistent schedule?
• As someone who has lived in both worlds I can offer some suggestions, which of course you can take or leave. Depending on your current level of S.A.D. you may want to suggest that I stick my suggestions in the one place where the sun will not shine, and that's okay too, I get it, I really do.
• So here goes, 
• 1. Planes, trains and automobiles
• We love them, then get us where we need to go and they do it with heat in the winter and cool air in the summer (assuming things are functioning properly) they play music along the way and depending on type and 'extras' they might offer even more tailored comforts than our own homes. We get very accustomed to our cars, maybe too much so. How about next time there's a nice reasonably not-too-cold day you walk to do some errands instead of habitually heading for the driver's seat? You might be surprised at how good you feel after a brisk walk. And you'll save yourself some fuel.
• 2. Work
• If you work in doors, where do you go for lunch or breaks? Do you head for the employee break room (often known as the bleak room). If so, is it a tiny space lined with vending machines that dispense plastic wrapped mystery foods? Are the lights glaring fluorescent? Is there another option? How about taking a stroll outside, breathing in some fresh air and basking in real light. How about those vacation days? Are you saving them all for summer when you can really enjoy the time off? Could you spare one or two for your mental health, just to get some rest? Which leads into...
• 3. Sleep
• The majority of people I know, regardless of age, socioeconomic status or any other identifying factors seem to agree they just feel like they need more sleep in the winter. Depending on life circumstances this can be more of a challenge to some than others, I know. But look at your daily schedule. Are there times you might set aside to watch a tv show or do something else that may be entertaining, but non-essential?  Do you feel guilty or "unproductive" if you allow yourself to nap? Guess what, your body heals itself while it sleeps, its too busy doing other stuff while its awake, so it needs this time to repair and rebuild tissues. Napping, then, is not unproductive at all, in fact it's giving your body the time to do the work it needs to do to keep yourself healthy! How about them apples? And speaking of apples...
• 4. Food
• Your body needs food, in the winter it might need a little more to maintain warmth and to fend off all those nasty viruses that tend to accumulate in spots like workplaces and shared vehicles. Go ahead and eat! And try to eat healthy. Most people put on a few pounds in winter, there's nothing wrong with that. And if you start walking more you're going to burn lots of those calories anyway.
• Finally, all the Motherly advice in the world is no substitute for seeking help if the problem becomes truly serious. Friends, support groups, and if necessary, professional intervention might be called for if you're blues start taking on a darker shade. You're not alone if the long tail end of winter gets you down and there is help available, so reach out and grab it and remember, spring is on it's way.

*Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sad/MY00371
© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Ziggy Part II

Life went on as it does, with Ziggy as my constant companion. several years ago I moved into a large lower flat and acquired a few more animal roommates. Ziggy who had always been strictly an indoor cat, became introduced the the Great Outdoors. As is often the case once someone gets a taste of the wild, they develop a craving for more adventure and freedom (I have several prior relationships to testify to this fact). After nearly five years in that apartment changes in circumstance made it necessary to move to a smaller, less expensive apartment. I was neck deep in the misery of Interferon/Ribavirin treatment and the entire moving process was extremely unpleasant, to put it nicely.
On the day of the move Ziggy was nowhere to be found. We weren't too worried, we figured we'd go back and look for him which we did, for a while. I became extremely ill and depressed after moving and much of that first month is lost to me. My kids made regular sojourns in search of Ziggy but with no luck. In my depressed and apathetic state, I finally resigned myself to the idea that this was just one more opportunity life was taking to kick me in the teeth and gave up all hope. Interferon does terrible things to one's mind, body and soul.
Then suddenly on Mother's Day, 6 months after moving and 3 months post treatment, I received a call from my former landlord saying he had seen "that big white cat sunning himself in the yard". The kids and I hopped into my daughters old grey Buick and started patrolling the alleys, creeping along looking like someone who was up to no good. Fortunately we were spared suspicion by the fact that the car is covered with stickers of hearts, flowers and Hello Kitty. Every blob of white caught my eye and while my daughter was chastising me for not wearing my glasses to go look for something, my son caught sight of Ziggy. He was, as we had often speculated, staked out at the "Cat Lady's" house at the end of the block. The Cat Lady herself, verified in her broken English that he had been living under her back porch all winter. I looked around the space and I could see she had provided him (and who knows how many other wandering cats) with food, blankets, toys and even a small water fountain. I thanked her profusely and she thanked me for coming back to find him. Total strangers until this moment we hugged each other and wished each other well. I promised to leave a large bag of cat food on her porch for getting Ziggy through the winter, which she politely declined and which I will provide anyway.
So here he is back home, fur matted and dirty, and in need of a good ear cleaning, but also fat and well fed..
I had pretty much resigned myself to the rational acceptance that he had passed on to the Happy Hunting Grounds, but here he is as I write, dozing atop of my crafts chest looking wise, somewhat crabby and full of secrets. My kind of guy.

© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Ramblers, Rebels and Rogues

I have spent many years of my life in opposition and I rather like the role.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Hello My Rebellious Queens,
I have had the opportunity to chuckle at myself a bit since yesterday. forgetting a blog post, horrors! Yet on the other hand when I decided to make this a daily commitment, a routine with an actual schedule; I did it knowing i was challenging myself stretching my limbs a little farther.
I'm not always, um, shall we say, focused? or organized? or consistent? at least I haven't been in the past. But in the now, i really do want to commit myself to a consistent effort, a solid path stone by stone set before me as I travel. Don't ask me where I travel, one commitment at a time, please. I see it like this, some of us tender the hearth, build the home, and nurture the garden. these are the people who go to the office, get to work promptly on time day by day. They have savings accounts and good credit and lead fairly predictable lives. They keep the wheels of enterprise going and they are ok with that. And so am I; I'm happy to know that my garbage will be picked up on Tuesday and that my utilities will work when I turn on a switch and such comforts as we are accustomed. Our society relies on the consistency and reliability of the hearth keepers to function.
our culture uses them as a Blueprint for "normalcy". They exemplify the way we "should be". we are promised rewards like all inclusive vacations and funparks and new cars for low, low financing, as long as we tend the hearth. Then there are the rest of us, the Ramblers, Rebels and, rogues. we are the dreamers, the ones who can't seem to pay attention to the power point presentation and who don't wear the latest designer clothing.. What we do is create, innovate and motivate. We are the Women with the Past, because no true rambler doesn't run into some trouble on her journey. We are the rebels because we listen to our heart, not just our head and we aren't afraid to speak up when something doesn't feel right. We know we have to take action because, most likely, we learned the hard way that if we don't speak up, if we try to fit in a place that does not align with our nature, we will suffer. our spirit will shrinks and wither, leaving us vulnerable to the desire for escape in the form of drugs or alcohol or to illusion of acceptance in a relationship that may not be healthy or of becoming shrouded in the depths of our own depression and isolation..
Some of us have had more encouragement and freedom to live by the call of our inner voice than others.. Some of us have had to discover it later in life, and some of us are just awakening to the knowledge.
Where ever we are in our travels, we must remember that we do have our place in society. If it weren't for those of us who question authority, who go against the grain, there would never be progress, change or, I believe, true freedom..
What "rules" have you challenged? How did it change you or your perception of you?

© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Feeling Funky, Feeling Fine

,

Hello
everyone!
Friday is supposed to be the fun free for all day, and yet today I'm finding it challenging to maintain that state of mind. The good news is, I just realized that if I am to walk my own talk, I have to accept that fact. More than just accept it; but honor, it respect it and stop trying to fight it.
The harder I push back against feelings, the harder they resist. For many years after I got sober I was "The Eternal Optimist", always looking on the bright side. The recovery community is big on Gratitude, and for good reason. What some people tend to overlook, or forget, or fail to recognize at all is that one can angsty, fed up, tired, disenchanted, crabby and all sort of other "bad moody things' and still be Grateful.
I know I've written on this topic in other posts, but is an issue that continues to cause problems for individuals, families, and entire cultures. The myopic and undiscerning frame of reference that fails to take into account the wonderful capacity we humans have for complex thought and emotion. When you think about it, it's pretty cool really, to take a moment and explore all the thoughts, feelings and moods we experience throughout one day. We are constantly evolving, even day by day, hour by hour. This is one reason I like to keep a journal, to observe the cycles of mood and process of thought that weave a pattern in and out through my day, my week, my years...
But as much as I find it fascinating, puzzling, frustrating and beautiful many people are not so comfortable with complexity. Our culture tells us to be even keel, reliable and cooperative. Those of us who dare to express our swings of mood, our frustrations our extreme joy are often labeled as eccentric at best, bi-polar at worst. I'm not denying or discounting that for some people there are symptoms and thought processes that can be disturbing, disabling and even life threatening; but let's look at how many people (especially women) are on some sort of anti-depressant or mood-stabilizer. The very phrase "mood stabilizer" makes me chuckle if only a bit ironically. Are we only supposed to have one or two moods at best? Why is it not ok to feel sad, angry or depressed? Face it there are plenty of reasons to feel that way, just as there are reasons to feel grateful, content or joyous. How can we truly experience one emotion without having experienced a full range of emotions?
I encourage anyone reading this to take some time at the end of the day to reflect on the thoughts,feelings,moods and physical energy levels you have experienced in just one day. Are there any that are uncomfortable for you? Are there any that you may have struggled to repress? I'd love to hear your feedback about this and I think it's a topic that can generate endless discussion.
Have a fabulous weekend and enjoy the wonder and beauty of the medley of moods you are capable of experiencing!
Peace,
Jenny
© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Getting to know you...(Me)

I hope anyone has had time to look over and consider the practices for familiarizing ourselves with our emotions. It's not something that can be done in a finite amount of time, and I don't know if we ever reach the "finish line'. Rather it's an ongoing process, just like developing any other relationship. I believe it is well worth the effort, essential really, if we are to truly become the best and brightest we can be. In this process, we become an inspiration, source of support and a good friend to others. It's amazing how once we stop trying to live up to the standards of others and refuse to allow them to dictate how we should feel, think and act, we begin to attract people into our lives who respect and love us for who we are. After all if we don't know ourselves, if we become social chameleons, how can we expect anyone to get close? It's ironic that we wear these masks; we take on these roles that don't fit all because we want other people to like us. Somehow we got the idea, the fear, that if people knew who we really are, they would run screaming in the other direction. And why do we have this idea? Because we are not so sure WE like ourselves, therefore why would anyone else?

After becoming more familiar and hopefully comfortable with our feelings, we can start to take stock of what things elicit certain feelings. Part of that is looking at what makes us happy. It may be the simplest thing, like seeing a snowflake up close, tending to a garden. It may be that we have favorite books, movies or music that speaks to something deep inside in a way no one else can. Sometimes it helps to remember your childhood dreams, fantasies and favorite activities. By rediscovering the things that capture our interest and that bring us joy, we begin to remember who we are.

Anyone who has been through a controlling relationship, drug/alcohol abuse or has endured deep depression knows the loneliness and grief at losing one’s self. It's like having had a friend once and now she's gone. 

The good news is, a true friendship always holds a spark that with proper tending can be rekindled to a flame that will guide us out of the darkness.

Rekindle that flame. Indulge yourself in something that brings you joy. You may be surprised at what a good friend you make.

Peace,

Nana

© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

It's not just emotional healing that hurts

A while back, in May, I blogged about my next step in Healing; treating my Hepatitis C. So far it's been a bumpy ride, with plenty of ups and downs. How about I start with the good news. My viral load is now undetectable. This is a good sign and it means it's worth it to continue treatment. My doctor seems to think that I can beat this for good if I do maintain the treatment for the rest of the year. For those of you who don't know, undetectable doesn't mean cured, yet. The trick is to remain undetectable after treatment ends. For some people it works, some people stay "clear" for a while then the virus reappears, and for some people it seems to come back immediately after treatment is stopped. There are of course, many variables affecting treatment success, but maybe some of it is just good old luck of the draw. Given the uncertainty of success any shred of good news from the doctor is a beacon of hope, an incentive to carry on even if you feel like crap. Unfortunately one of the more common side effects of the treatment is depression. So for me it's kind of like a day at the beach when I've already got second degree burns. Add to this the loss of income the loss of a social role as a community advocate and sometimes I just wonder what the hell happened. Good thing I've had lots and lots of therapy to cope with depression because my old Buddy, Deena Depression has been hanging out quite a bit lately. And that, my friends, is one reason I'm telling my story, all aspects of it. Some of it is simply Ego validation, I admit that; but there is also the desire to reach out to others who have or are having similar experiences. It can feel like a lonely road sometimes and knowing someone (many people actually) are having the same experience does lighten the load. If you yourself or someone you care about is going through treatment for hepatitis C, or considering treatment I recommend seeking out information from others who have had the experience. An excellent online support group I have found is HepC Nomads-http://hepcnomads.co.uk/ I have found everyone there to be both informative and supportive. Another good resource is The National Hep C Advocacy Council at www.hepcnetwork.org. As always if you have questions or feedback I'm happy to respond. Peace and Blessings © 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

A stranger in a strange land...

"I had crossed the line, I was free; but there was no one to welcome me to the land of freedom. I was a stranger in a strange land." ~ Harriet Tubman. One of my reasons for creating this blog, and my website http://www.nanakoosasplace.com/ was my realization that as a survivor, and a survivor of multiple challenges, I never really felt "normal". Even after receiving degrees in Social Work and Counseling I chose to work in small grassroots nonprofit agencies rather than for profit or government agencies. I knew I'd never "pass" in that world; nor would I want to. I would feel like an alien, a misfit and I'd probably end up getting fired. I did in fact get fired from my last job and I know it was partially due to my inability to conform to corporate like standards and expectations. No one was right no one was wrong, it just wasn't a good fit with the changes the agency was making. When I saw this quote by Harriet Tubman, I was initially transformed to the memory of reading her biography as a child. I imagined how lonely and terrified she must feel even while feeling the joy and gratitude of freedom. While her struggles and accomplishments were monumental compared to one woman's struggle with addiction, abuse and depression, I think there is a common phenomenon that occurs whenever we find freedom, from whatever it is that has had us caged. fortunately for many women leaving a violent home, recovering from addiction or embarking on another healing process there is support ready and available. This is especially true in the early stages. But as I had mentioned in an earlier post, "Crashing the Party of Normal Society", many of the systems in place are focused on getting the individual through those initial early crisis stages. It is often when the dust settles and we have stabilized that we realize that we too are strangers in a strange land. at this point we are faced with a choice. Either we allow ourselves to revive our victim role and accept some sense of defeat, that we will never be "normal" or we cherish the experiences and wounds that make us unique resilient individuals and begin to celebrate our individuality. After all most of were somewhat non-conformist to begin with, right? That may have been part of what got some of us into trouble in the first place. I say let us learn to embrace those qualities of non-conformity, of clever survival tactics of resiliency as we create our new reality. there are enough of us "strangers' out there that we need not be alone. There are others who understand. There are other women on the same path, the same journey to freedom and healing. Let's learn to recognize each other, and to support one another throughout the entire process of healing and liberation. If you read this post and feel it applies to you, take from it what you will and I always welcome feedback. If you feel you know someone else who may benefit from reading this please pass it on. If you find a stranger on the road who has a common story to tell, take the time to listen and support her. We need not be alone. peace and blessings, Nanakoosa copyright 2010 Jennifer Hazard/ Nanakoosa's Place.