Life With Family

  The Universe or fate or whatever you want to call it has a funny way of taking the reins whenever I make plans. I'm not much of a planner; setting goals isn't something I normally do on my own. One could argue that more practice on my part might subdue the universes hi jinks, but that's my old school superstition talking, I think. Anyway, I recently came to a point where I realized I really need to do something to rectify my unstable financial status. I came up with a few ideas, plans to pay off some debt a little at a time, with the ultimate goal of bringing my bank account current so I can apply for some credit.
I was rather pleased with myself and my new-found sense of adult responsibility. I began to believe those positive affirmations we all hear ad nauseum. I am responsible, I am capable, I am lovable. A regular Stuart Smalley, oh yes.
My sunshiny radiance was short lived. The first sign of impending gloom came within 24 hours when my internet got suspended. I had paid the bill but failed to notice the 15 dollar a month rate increase. It helps to read your bills before you pay them I guess. Then no sooner than I had completed my indignant call to the internet provider I received a call from the electric company. It's that time of year where the moratorium on shut offs begins so they are out to settle up as many accounts as possible. I usually carry some balance until energy assistance comes through, but due to the brief but disruptive hissy fit in Congress such programs were put on hold for two weeks.
 I couldn't help but feel just a little demoralized. All of  a sudden I was in the midst of that gnawing feeling that no matter how well intentioned my plans I was doomed to struggle every day to keep my head above water. Not to mention the thought that if there were some sort of emergency I'd be screwed. Living on the edge wears away at you a little at a time like the proverbial drop of water on the stone. In addition to my often uphill battle with money I carry on in an equally challenging war with depression. Its always lurking just around the corner and financial worry feeds that beast very well.
Depression peeked it's head around the corner and began whispering it's usual litany of condemnation.
I am an adult, I should not only be able to support myself but should be able to help my adult children out if they need it too. But where do all these shoulds that Depression is so fond of come from? Who writes your script Mr Blusey Buzzkill?
For one thing they come from a different era. A time when jobs were plentiful and food was affordable. They also come from a culture that puts a somewhat narcissistic value on independence and individuality. John Wayne type stuff. The American way, ghosts of a culture that no longer exists. It's the privileged middle class white culture  (a thing of the past for most of us) that says every nuclear family has their own home and every individual has their own bedroom equipped with a tv, game system and whatever else they 'need'.  One thing my daughter learned by dating outside of her ethnicity is that many people commonly live with relatives. Nursing homes are a last resort and even daycare for children is provided by live in family. For those who have struggled family has been the glue that held them together, financially and emotionally. This same daughter, lives right across the street from me had an experience similar to mine, well laid plans for security that unexpectedly washed away from right under her feet. As we lamented our 'family curse' over coffee the inevitable and logical conclusion became clear. Her apartment is big enough for another person and if each of us cut our rent in half we could be left with some money after paying the pipers. We spend much of each day together anyway and I am my granddaughter's homework helper. We made the decision that I would move in with her. Or as she reassured me, we would move in together.
I'll admit I went through a couple of days of feeling defeated, feeling I had somehow screwed up my life as the whispers of impending depression continued to swirl around my head like gnats, persistent but useless. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that despite some mistakes I've made in the past, I really have done my best to stay respectfully afloat during the past few years of unemployment. Once that sense of shame faded I was able to see the benefits and joys of being a real part of a family again. All the things like meals together, story time at bedtime, move nights and even the chaos of disagreements are the fabric of family life and I have missed that these past few years. Empty nest is real folks, and for those who can afford to travel or develop exciting hobbies and interests maybe it doesn't feel quite so lonely, but I'm not one of those people right now. Having half the financial burden I've been carrying might allow me to enjoy some of those middle age benefits and I get to have the family part too. Best of both worlds.
So here I go into the next chapter, not a step back but forward and I am able to welcome  it with expectation and open arms.
Wish me luck.














© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Little Big Changes

I am not a goal setter, or a go getter. I rarely make plans and when I do I allow enough flexibility to wiggle my out if needed. Until recently I didn't have much concept of a future of any sort, not one that I could envision with any clarity or certainty anyway. When I make changes in my life it's not because I decide to do so. Changes happen in my life because of external circumstances or simply because it  feels like the time is right to make a change. I operate on intuition and heart rather than intellectual organization that's just my M.O. or to use the parlance of our times my O.S.
When I decided to quit smoking last month it was because I simply decided, no I felt, it was time to quit. Combined with the external circumstance that I was broke and I couldn't really afford to smoke that week, and if I was going to go a whole week without smoking then I figured I might as well keep running with it. That just made sense. If I had intellectually decided that I should quit smoking for health reasons for example, and set a date to do so, it never would have worked. I know that many of the popular methods for quitting work that way and for many people that works. Those are the kind of people who can plan things, organize tasks into achievable objectives that lead to long term goals. That is a good system for some people, but not for everyone. For me that kind of thinking would be a set up for failure, but that's okay! Really it is. And I'm not alone, there are many people like me who need to do things in our own way and at our own pace. We still get things done. We may not get them done in a predesignated time frame leaving behind a congruent linear paper trail that justifies and records our every step in the process, but that's okay too.
People like me just need to find non traditional ways to make a living and otherwise get by in a culture that increasingly values mechanistic linear thought and design. And we very often don't appear to be doing much since we don't produce documentation or concrete evidence of our progress. But guess what? that is okay too.
Anyway recently I have been feeling little big changes happening in my approach to life. Stopping smoking is probably the most observable and measurable achievement but the others are no less important. You may have noticed, or maybe not, that I haven't been blogging as much. That's because part of this process I'm going through is placing me in a frame of mind that is more reflective than productive. I am in a mood of keen observation which needs me to be more quiet. I'm listening to the world more than I am talking about it. I don't have much to say but I have so much to see, think and to feel. And I am finding myself more active not so much in a way that anyone would notice, but I am more actively engaged and present in what I choose to do. Quality over quantity is the name of the game right now.
I'm paying closer attention to my relationships with people (and dogs) in my life. I'm more attentive to the world around me especially my immediate environment. I'm enriching my mind and my imagination by reading voraciously and by watching documentaries about places and people that are unfamiliar to me. I can't explain how or why but I believe that all this is very important to my role in my family, my community and maybe in the Big Picture as well.
So if you wonder what I've been doing, I'm paying attention. I'm making Little Big changes. And I hope I'm developing a better more meaningful Me.





© 2010-2013 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Neither Hermit nor Harlot

Sometimes I think about becoming a Hermit. Occasionally I try the title on for size. In reality I live in a very community oriented neighborhood within a reasonably well populated city. I shop at the corner store where everyone knows my name and I am on a conversational level of acquaintance with my neighbors. I have a few close friends and I interact with on a regular basis. I am far from the hermit lifestyle that I may dream of from time to time; a house in the woods, away from the noise and dirt of the city. I'm pretty certain I'm not ready to take that step just yet.
I say I'm a hermit sometimes, jokingly, because it feels that way relative to my younger years. In my 20's, 30's and even into my 40's I could barely be restrained within the four walls of my own  home. I loved going out to bars and parties and if I was in a clean and sober phase I was involved in parenting groups or other circles of like minded people. I thrived on human interaction. Most of my career was spent amidst the high energy and drama of a youth shelter where I was energized by the diverse and intense personalities and situations I navigated every day. I was the supreme multi tasker, moving seamlessly from a phone call with an angry parent, to comforting a hysterical teenager to mentoring idealistic college students, all within a span of several minutes. In my party years I danced, flirted, gossiped and drank into the wee hours of the night, sometimes into the following day. I couldn't get enough it seemed, there was so much life to be lived, people to meet and music to be experienced. The more I did, in either world, the more I craved. Human interaction was like a stimulant, energizing, joyous and addicting.
So what happened? Why is it that now even when given an opportunity to attend an event where I know I will most likely enjoy myself and meet people that I will find interesting and stimulating I find myself making excuses to stay home. Why do I prefer the company of my four legged roommates or my immediate family to anyone else? And how is it that the energy and motion of the city now feels like an irritant, a noisy distraction from the real me. Why is it that I who would have gone stir crazy without human contact after one day now dream of living deep in a woods where no one can find me unless by my choosing.
I have come to realize that the real Me was not always that outgoing bar hopping party girl. Nor was I the crisis intervening, multi tasking social worker.
The person I was as a child was quiet, shy and solitary. I was a dreamer, not a doer. When my family had parties, I generally tried to become invisible hoping no one would ensnare me in conversation. I spent hours alone in the yard building things out of bits and pieces left to me by nature. I conversed with animals and imagined their responses. I explored paths and empty buildings and I created stories in my mind of events that had happened in these places. I filled them with characters and events of days gone by and the places came alive in a universe of my creation. Real people were typically seen as a disruption in the pattern of world I was creating, unless they were another dreamer, the sort of person who would be a co-creator of the imaginary world.
There were reasons for my semi conscious choice to become the outgoing extroverted person I had been. Living through frequent changes in family structure as my parents divorced, repaired, split and repaired again required adjusting to new patterns of interaction and adapting to unfamiliar behavior and routine. Moving from state to state and changing schools was an opportunity to try on new character traits and to completely reinvent ones self, often at the expense of one's true self. It is normal to want to fit in especially in the pre teen and teenage years but when given a clean slate and a mysterious history one looks to peers and the environment for clues when creating a persona. For a thoughtful and sensitive child all the change and over-stimulation was exhausting and often painful. It finally became easier to do and to be than to think or feel. I had jumped on an express train to external reward and social acceptance and I left Jenny behind at one of the stops. I can see her, sitting alone on a bench nose buried in a book, completely unaware that the train had left the station hours ago.
Now I have returned to retrieve that girl, that dreamer, that reader of books, that quiet and peaceful child who was just a little too sensitive for the real world. I have armed her with the tools I found out there in the real world, so she wont be hurt so profoundly by the ugly things that happen there. I can honor and respect her desire to be left alone but when we need to venture out into the real world, we know how to maneuver through the small talk and chit chat of ordinary life. We know how to read the signals that tell us when to withdraw and when it's safe to move forward (of course we all have lapses in judgement, don't we?) We know how to protect ourSelf without running, without having to have the first word and the last. We know it's okay to be silent and observe when words would only bring confusion or distraction. I/we have merged the introvert and the extrovert into something that is manageable and reasonably well balanced. We have come to accept that being alone with our thoughts and feelings is a pretty nice place to be and that if we need to escape now and then, into a world of our own making, it is a method of survival in an unpredictable world.


© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Flowing with the Seasons

Here in Wisconsin spring is a fickle maiden. One day she tempts us with the promise of summer, teasing us with warm whispers and the scent of new blossoms, an alluring perfume. The nest day she is cold, snippy, she spits rain in your face contemptuously; the date you made yesterday is off, no picnic for you, stay at home and find your own source of warmth and comfort.
Is it no wonder then that those of us who are sensitive to nature and her moods find ourselves grappling with our own rollercoaster of emotions.
I have always been subject to the whim of the seasons.  The winter blues or cabin fever can plunge me into the depths of an existential crisis. Summer brings a sense of freedom and joy, but by August I begin to feel like the party girl who has had a bit too much to drink, I just want to go home and sleep.
Spring typically brings a renewed energy, a sense of hope, and inspiration.

Therefore I feel a slap of disappointment when little miss Spring decides to withdraw her affection and warmth, such a tease! But like most sassy girls when she's good she's good, and today she was kind and flirty. I was lured by her charms to my little garden plot to pluck some weeds, I reveled in the nostalgic aroma of her Lilac blooms and my dogs trotted along happily as we walked to the co-op to buy some early greens.
 Life can't always be like a perfect spring day just as we can't always be happy, hopeful or inspired. We have our rainy days, our own fickle moods and throughout life we have our seasons. Nature is authentic, gritty, beautiful, terrible and yet she moves with grace through her changes. She makes no apologies for the sudden thunderstorm, but she brings renewal and growth in it's wake. Every mood serves it's purpose, to cleanse, to nourish and sometimes to destroy in order for healing and renewal to take root. Like Nature we can flow with the changes and seasons of our life fully alive in the expression of of the moment and  aware of our purpose.

© 2010-2012 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Occupying Milwaukee, Occupying Everywhere

Hello Readers,
It seems we are in the midst of a time of great Change and Promise. Each day brings more news of  communities organizing, reaching out and demanding Justice.
I intend to devote some attention to the voices of the 99% and the recent "Occupy" movements that have been emerging into the public field of vision over the past month. All over the U.S and abroad local chapters and occupations have been born in Solidarity with the incredible tenacity and commitment of the original "Occupy Wall Street" action. I might add that although the OWS is the most recent highly visible manifestation of Community Action, there have always been and continue to be organizations, affinity groups and individuals who have been committed to the cause of Social Justice. When I use the term Social Justice I refer to any cause or group whose purpose is to improve the quality of life for all living things including our Mother Planet. It happened that OWS made their appearance at a time when many of us have reached a point of critical mass. The people have been communicating, educating ourselves and one another and watching the incredible Social Revolutions that have taken place in Egypt, Greece, Spain and many other countries throughout the world. It seems that the Collective Consciousness has been germinating the seeds for change, nurturing the soil with love and care and our efforts are now coming into full bloom.

It is crucial to acknowledge that historically great change takes place in steps, and movements for progress have their own ebb and flow. If we track history as far back as we are able we are likely to discover periods of "Social Unrest" and Revolution often followed by seasons of what may appear to be complacency. We must not allow ourselves to be discouraged by these times of apparent stagnation, they are necessary for regeneration and stabilization; and even in such times there are those who persist in our roles as educators, rabble rousers, rebels and rogues. That's you, my readers, all of us who never quite fit in, who have struggled with rules, questioned the "norm" and dared to imagine a different reality.
I believe our time has come. We, as individuals who have no fear of challenging the status quo, who have  applicable street smarts tempered with the wisdom of experience are well suited to the changes and challenges of a mass shift in consciousness.
You may say you are not a "political" person, or you may not identify with one particular movement or cause. You may feel you want to help but don't know how. Or you may feel the world can clean up it's own crap just fine without you, which is equally valid and certainly understandable. I am not calling anyone to action specifically; I am a Messenger, not a Recruiter. However, as a Messenger, I must say that we are in the midst of some pretty exciting times and it's worth tapping into that energy even if only to charge up your own juice.
This post is just the beginning. The planting of a seed, the nudging of a thought, the "bug in the ear".  Look around you. Read or watch non-commercial media. Talk to your friends and neighbors. If you are already active in a cause (even if it's your own) give yourself a hug. Evaluate your experiences. Do they feel authentic? If not, what's missing? What would feel right for you? If you have found yourself in a good place, a group or action where you feel energized, productive and passionate by all means take a moment to appreciate how that feels, to be empowered, to be part of a community and say I am the 99% and I am joined by Brothers and Sisters everywhere. Reach out and love your family, all 99%!
As always I'd love to hear stories, feedback, thoughts etc. My next post will include a mix of some of my personal experience with the movement along with some practical information for those who are interested.  I will also be adding some mini-posts of stories I have heard, actions I have witnessed and pictures, words and events that have struck a chord resonating the sound of change.
Peace,
Nana


© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Check the Road Map

Overcoming a slump. Maybe it's the summer heat, maybe it's the recent life changes I've experienced (yes, one of them is "the change" menopause) maybe it's the let down after the excitement of discovering I've successfully conquered liver disease after a year of grueling treatment. Whatever it is I'm stuck.
Like a lady wearing lead shoes, every step feel laborious. My brain seems to be on vacation somewhere. As Aerosmith once said "my get up and go musta got up and went"
But I think I know what the "problem" is: freedom. Yes, that's right, freedom. I've written before about the methods some of us can use to employ our anchors, our responsibilities as excuses for not pursuing our dreams. A job, a family, health problems or a lease- whatever it is that we believe binds us does indeed bind us. Those beliefs become safe and cozy. We are not asked to challenge ourselves because we have other things to do. It's a pretty rare phenomenon to be freed of the majority of one's responsibilities within a very short time. As so often happens in my eccentric life, I find myself knee deep in anomaly.
You would think (or I would've thought) I would be eager to fill the blank page before me with words, colors, opinions and adventures, but instead I am truly at a loss for what to do next.
At present I am in another city helping my partner relocate for an employment opportunity. Things being what they are with our economy that seems to be happening more often these days. I suppose I'm lucky, the new job is only 500 miles away from home and reasonably manageable by bus. I can't help but feel that it only adds more confusion and uncertainty to my already obfuscated view of the near future.

I was reminded along the 6 hour drive here, that every journey requires and occasional rest stop. Eat, pee, stretch your limbs and take another look at the map. The rest stops have always been a integral part of a road trip, ever since I was a small child travelling across country with my parents in our over packed pale blue VW Beetle.
Now is the time to revisit the road map, check out the routes and their alternates, be advised of detours and prepare well before taking to the highway into life's next chapter.




© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

A Deeper Look at anger

I'm going to grace you all with a special treat. I'm going to therapize myself! Aren't you excited?
Ok fine, bear with me anyway okay?
Writing the last post on anger, along with my recent binge of crabbiness which prompted the post, has prodded me to reflect on the roots of this binge. If I listen to my own words I hear anger can be a catalyst for change, or a sign that we need to address some aspect of our lives. Right now my life is in a pretty good place so I had to dig a little deeper to weed out the roots of this agitation.

The quick check questions to ask are:

• what do you feel in your body (get out of your head)
• have there been another times when you felt a similar feeling
• what event or stimulus triggered your feelings? what was happening in your life at the time?

I'm not going to go into great detail about my personal life, but after thinking about these statements three issues became clear - uncertainty,  potential change/possibly relocating and feeling pulled in different directions/ having to make decisions.
Uncertainty is unnerving to me. Change, I can manage but best with a decent amount of certainty attached. Decisions, well let's just say it's a work in progress and one that requires at least some guidelines and factual information that I can refer to during the internal dialog that takes place between the different dimensions of Me.
Right now, today anyway, I am in limbo. There are some questions that will be answered in the next week or so that will allow me to move on and leave the majority of the uncertainty factor behind. In the meantime I will shift the blame to the 90+ temperatures and the swampy like humidity that permeates all potentially climate controlled areas, knowing with some assurance that my own "climate control" is being carefully monitored.
Stay Cool,
Jenny


© 2010-2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Thursdays Thought-Cheeky Changes

There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place. ~Washington Irving

What a delightful quote, it made me chuckle a bit, and then to laugh out loud. I wanted a quote about change to piggyback on yesterdays subject of seasons and cycles of change. Naturally there are many cheery, optimistic and inspirational quotes about change but I chose this one for it's realism and simplicity. In truth it speaks to our adaptable nature and resiliency. Those of us who have endured difficult times have often had to trade one discomfort for another in order to reach a destination. Maybe you've gone from a crappy marriage to a life of poverty as a single parent. Or perhaps you've left behind a drug addiction to spend 3 months in a treatment center with four crabby roommates and limited freedom. What ever situation caused us to exchange one bruised butt cheek for another, we eventually made it to the end of the Stagecoach ride, bruised, but having found a new and different place.
How have you "bruised your butt cheeks" to arrive at a destination?




© 2011 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Geographical Relocation

It has taken months of vacillating, debating and false starts but I finally decided it was time to change residence. My former flat had, through numerous recent circumstances, gradually drifted out of that region known as "my price range" like a rogue balloon.  I cast back and forth between enduring the stress of moving vs. the stress of having basically no money and finally decided to resume my search for a smaller, more affordable apartment.  After finding a few affordable, but unattractive prospects and/or being denied because of pets or credit history,  I finally stumbled across an upper flat only 3 blocks from my former duplex.

Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly, which my former AODA counselor used to say was a sign that you were on the right path. I was able to qualify for funding from a local Advocacy agency to help with the moving costs,  I hired movers for the first time in my life and on November 2,  I moved into my new digs.
It's a cute place, it has character, a huge kitchen,  a sizable balcony/upper porch and lots of closet space. Like many of the houses in my neighborhood it's probably between 80-100 years old and was very likely a single family home that was converted into a flat sometime around the 1940's, which is partially what gives it it's unique character and floor plan, (and tiny bedrooms!)
Now, my sole purpose for moving was to save money, which I will eventually (the movers cost twice what they'd estimated) but it also was an important step for me to make this decision and go with it while in the midst of treatment for Hep C which leaves me with sporadic motivation and low (if any) energy.  I knew I would be doing a lot of the work alone and I knew it would, frankly, knock me on my ass for a few days. I also knew it needed to be done and it was up to me to make it happen.
In addiction "Geographical Relocation" is a trick that people frequently use on themselves and their loved ones to create a sense of false hope for interpersonal change. "Once we get out of this neighborhood with all our history/ with all the bars/ with all our "using friends"/ (fill in any appropriate external force of control that is preventing change) "things will change".  Of course as we all know, we take our problems with us because our problems don't live in the house, or the bar or in our friends, but within us.  Naturally, with my History, I've dragged myself, my family and all my personal belongings down that Yellow Brick Road many times, and learned the same lesson that Dorothy ultimately learned; "Over the Rainbow" is within us all, we only need to look inside to find it.
After moving, not surprisingly I was exhausted. Not just moving exhausted but being on toxic treatment and overdoing it exhausted. Enter, stage left, sick grandchildren and next thing I know I am sick as a proverbial dog. After two days of not keeping any food down and basically sleeping the entire time, I came back to the real world long enough to realize I had a counseling session scheduled with my therapist that day. I gave him a call to let him know I wouldn't be there and why. His response was "oh no everything was supposed to be okay after you moved"
Hmmm, really?
Did I give the impression that I believed that? Did I imply I was falling for the old "Geographical Relocation" self scam? I'm  pretty sure I did not, and yet his response irritated me at the time.  I wasn't sure if he was being facetious or....what. I responded by telling him that I was simply sick with a bug, no deeper meaning attached, and things will be fine.
Funny how once we've travelled the Yellow Brick Road, learned our lesson and moved on, we still carry the stigma of our old ways, even if only in our own minds.

© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

It is what it is, and that's all that it is.

I don't know if it's the Ribavirin making me  crabby or what (there is such a thing known as 'riba rage') but I've recently become irritated at phrases like 'Healing Journey" or "Self-Discovery". But wait you say, isn't that what this blog is all about, Jenny? Well, yes, and no.
First of all as I've contemplated Life, and Misfortune, and Happiness and Growth and All That We Are it has struck me that many of the phrases we use imply some sort of ending to the process. Some sort of goal...to be, what Healed ? Then what? What does that even look like? And worse yet are we selling our selves short by not being at some point of healing that we think we should be.
Part of this problem has to do with linear thinking. We are not to blame for that, it's the way we've been raised in our culture to perceive time, and movement and growth. Fact is, we really don't understand much about any of those things. I'm no expert on quantum physics, it fascinates me but makes my brain hurt, but I'm pretty sure the "way of the Universe" is not linear. And neither are our lives. I've talked before about healing happening in layers and stages, but that still implies some sort of final destination, to some kind of core truth. Maybe that's enlightenment. But I'm not so sure even Enlightenment happens all at once, unless perhaps when we die.
I've mentioned before that I'm somewhat changing my tone, my approach, to this blog and my goals in general. It's been almost a year since I've been out of work, out of the field of "Helping" with their strict definitions of  "what works", what "sucess" looks like, and what it doesn't and their quest for "Evidence Based Practices".  When I reflect on my original goal, it is to bring a little more Real Life into the services and systems that are designed to help people. One of the finest Therapists I ever worked with used to say "it is what it is" any time a client would lament her situation, especially if she were condemning herself. So yeah it is what it is, if it's "progress" ie learning to make healthier choices for ourselves, or choices that are more in sync with what we believe in and value. If it's making a mistake, even though we've made the same mistake before. It all part of the process of life.
So for my own self respect, and contribution to my creative abilities, I am going to throw out the psychobabble, I'm going to tell it like it is. I might even swear, damnit,
As the Great Journalist/Commentator Walter Cronkite concluded his evening broadcast, "And that's the way it is"

© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

I saw this quote this morning and felt it spoke to my thoughts in this post :)  Thank you, Julia and Wayne!
Julia von Flotow Via Wayne McGuire - "The Universe has no edge and the centre is everywhere."

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend!

The ride that is my life

“Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.” Rita Mae Brown

This is one of absolute favorite quotes and I have decided it should be the motto for this page. As I've been blogging , reading other blogs and getting to know the online world of survivors, I've also been discovering my own style. When I refer to my "style" I mean not only my blogger style, but my personal style. I am indeed in a phase of reinventing myself and creating the future I want. Two years ago, I completed my Masters Degree in Community Counseling beaming with pride and grand plans for my future as a Therapist. First a family tragedy threw me for a loop; my adult daughter was nearly killed by her ex-boyfriend and spent close to three months in the hospital recovering. Then there was the trial, the postponements, the hearings. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and re traumatized. I was looking for work in my field and not finding it. My money was running out. I ended up taking a job that, although fulfilling in many ways, was not a Masters level position. Within months I began to get sick. I was achy and exhausted all the time. I was forgetful and spacey. I thought at first that it was the stress and depression of the past year, and it probably was to a certain extent, but I also discovered that my Hepatitis C was progressing. To shorten the story I lost my job, my performance was suffering due to my illness, and ended up deciding to apply for disability and begin the treatment for Hep C. Life has a funny way of letting you know it has plans other than your own. So here I am on Disability, writing, hanging out with my dogs and my grandchildren, putting in my garden and except for the nasty side effects of the treatment, leading a pretty contented life. And I have decided that there are other, perhaps better, ways to help others than meeting with them for 50 minutes in a Mental Health Clinic. So, my always evolving blog will continue to reflect both my experimentation with technology, and my experimentation with my identity.I have also started a second blog http://jennysliver.blogspot.com/ to record my experiences with this disease and the treatment.The Beauty of being an "older woman with a past" is that you have lots of material with which to recreate yourself in the second half of life. I hope some of you will stay along for the ride! Peace, Nanakoosa
© 2010 Nanakoosa’s Place, authored by Jennifer Hazard

Why I’m taking action against teacher layoffs

Here in Milwaukee, as in many parts of the country, cutbacks in funding are resulting in a large number of teacher layoffs. Milwaukee stands to lose over 400 teachers and 600 support staff. For me this news has prompted me into action. It has struck a blow to my family, friends and to my basic core values.

On a personal level, the news of the layoffs came within days of my son's graduation from high school. His school employs progressive ideas and teaching methods to accommodate a population that may not have succeeded in a traditional school environment. The schools motto and mission is "The school where you can be you" and the focus is on providing a safe accepting environment for youth who have been bullied, misunderstood or just didn't fit in. Gay, Lesbian and Transgender teens are welcomed and provided an environment where they can be safe, both physically and emotionally. For this school in particular it is essential to have staff that is on board with the mission and culture of the school. The three teachers who have been given notice have been exemplary models of this style of education and have made positive impacts on many students' lives. As a survivor, I am greatly impressed by the schools policy of non-violence and especially the way issues are addressed in a non-punitive approach that encourages empathy and positive problem solving. It is my personal belief that if more schools took a similar approach we would see a reduction in violence in our communities.

In the bigger picture, because teachers are being affected nationwide, it is an opportunity to draw attention to the role education plays in the lives of our next generation of adults. It is time to look at the roles that schools and teachers have taken in children's lives in a society where so many children are lacking hope, lacking time with their families who must work long hours just to provide the basic necessities, and where so many of the messages they receive come from a media that cares for nothing but their role as consumers. For many youth school is more that a place to go learn how to pass a standardized test; it is a community. Teachers are more than just someone who stands in the front of the room and spews forth information required by standardized tests; they are mentors, role models and guides through the complex journey of growing up. More humane schools and communities produce more humane citizens; it's time for us to factor in the human element, the personal element when balancing our budget.

Finally I'd like to add that this crisis has prompted me into action, it has given me the opportunity to speak out publicly to use my voice to stand up for something I believe in. As survivors we all know how important this is to our healing process. Many of us were silenced by fear and insecurity for years. To take back our voices our opinions our power of expression is one more step in taking back our lives.

Peace and Blessings,

Jenny

If you are interested in helping this cause please contact you representatives and tell them to pass the Keep Our Educators Working Act Now!
Iowa Senator Harkin has introduced legislation that would provide $23 billion to financially strapped school districts. In Wisconsin you may Contact Senators Kohl and Feingold and Congressional Representatives to encourage them to fight for the bill's passage.

Transition

Wednesday, March 24, 2010, 08:23 PM AST [General] I have always thought of spring and fall as the transitional seasons. This is especially true here in the northern part of the United States, where people often will say "if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes". Things do indeed change quickly; one days there's snow, the next , 50 degrees and sunny. These sudden changes can often reflect events that are occurring in our lives. For survivors, change be welcome, unsettling, exciting and frightening all at once. Maybe that's why the transitional seasons evoke so much nostalgia. Maybe they trigger memories of times in our lives where change was immanent or needed. These are powerful times. Most survivors know the fear and anticipation mixed with hope that can accompany change; especially change for the better. We desperately want to be out of our abusive situations yet we fear the unknown. We fear our abilities to cope with the demands of a "new life". We have probably been convinced by our abusers that we are incapable of caring for ourselves. And yet with the tenacity of a crocus reaching toward the sun, steeling itself against the unexpected snowfall and finally blossoming in beauty, we press on, we survive and finally, we thrive. But just as the crocus bulb is genetically encoded to retreat and rest after blooming, waiting to return next the following spring, we remain aware that change is an inevitable and necessary fact of life. We don't always welcome change, like the unexpected snowfall, but with tenacity we can hang in there until the next sunny day. Happy Spring © 2010, Jenifer Hazard